The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Why John Madden and Tony Kornheiser are Grinning Smugly This Fine Day. Airline passengers got a nasty surprise this morning in the form of widespread flight delays, all thanks to a computer glitch that caused the FAA’s system to lose track of flight plans. When air traffic controllers attempted to bring up said flight plans on their snazzy air traffic controller monitors, all they got was a silly cartoon of some birds trying to fly a whale. And they were all like, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
2. It’s Better to Keep Some Things to Oneself. Rex Ryan has publicly admitted that he cried during a team meeting the day after the Jets were defeated by the Jaguars. Rex’s hormones must be out of balance again. Somebody get that dude some Progesterone. And take away his Twilight Blu-Ray.
3. Maybe I’m Hazy on the Rules, But I Thought That Was Illegal. France will be in the World Cup and Ireland won’t, all because France’s Thierry Henry cheated by using his hand to pass the ball to William Gallas for the winning goal. This is the worst thing that’s happened to Ireland since all those people died cause they ran out of potatoes.
4. It’s Not Cheating if You Didn’t Know You Had a Dick. The South African sports ministry has decided to take the graceful way out of the Caster Semenya gender controversy by letting the track athlete of ambiguous sexuality keep the medals and prize money she won at the world championships. Furthermore, the ministry has refused to confirm media reports that Semenya’s tests indicated she possesses both male and female parts, and will keep the results of said tests confidential. Next up for Semenya, a pay-per-view MMA battle to the death with that other noted amateur sports shemale, Elizabeth Lambert.
5. Somebody Stop Him Before He Uses Up All the Suck in the Universe. JaMarcus Russell’s flight to football immortality has taken another gut-churning downward plunge with the news that Tom Cable has benched him in favor of Bruce Gradkowski. This should be a great learning experience for Russell, who can now relax and soak up the game from a different vantage-point, namely, that of a complete ignominious failure. The knowledge he gleans from said experience should help him immeasurably after he’s released, spends up all his money and has to beg his high school coaches for assistant’s jobs.
6. What Did He Think Was Going to Happen? Hockey player celebrates goal by jumping through Plexiglas into crowd. That could’ve been bad for his dental work, if he had any teeth.
7. Homocidal Rage is Not Her Thing. Model Jessica White told Tyra Banks that, yes, she did indeed date Sean Penn, confirming tabloid reports. However, White says the dating is over and now they’re just friends. Friends as in, she no longer goes out with him, and he no longer calls her at three in the morning stoned out of his mind and talking in his Spicoli voice because he’s stuck in character again.
8. No, Ronald McDonald Does Not Prance Around in Crotchless Pants Flashing His Cock Ring. A McDonald’s in New York has been made over to resemble the more “upscale” restaurants the venerable junk food chain features in Europe. And what does that mean exactly, more “upscale?” For McDonald’s, it means vinyl chairs instead of hard, non-ass-conforming plastic ones, “subdued” lighting and employees all dressed in black. In other words, more European by the standards of people who, when someone says “Europe,” immediately start humming “The Final Countdown.”
9. If I Were John Kerry’s Daughter, I’d Drink Too. Alexandra Kerry, the John Kerry progeny best known for showing off her tits at the Cannes Film Festival, now has something new to excuse herself for in her diary: a DUI arrest in Hollywood. Normally, when a person gets nailed for DUI in H-Wood, I scream, “Famewhore,” but Alexandra can’t be silly enough to think she can catch on as a misbehaving celebutard in a world dominated by Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Can she?
10. He Plays Defense Too. Brandon Jennings didn’t only learn how to score while serving his basketball apprenticeship in Europe. He also learned how to steal it from a sucker and run down for the dunk.
Further Reading:
Jabba the Rex (Flash Animation Hilarity)
Great Moments in Unlicensed Pittsburgh Sports Merchandise
Soldier Sells Ad Space on Arm. If it Gets Shot Off, Do You Get Your Money Back?
Eric Mangini = Butters (With Chin-Balls)
Brady Quinn’s Fine is Inconsistent (Much Like His Game)
Ten Vintage Train Wreck Wrestling Promos
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
