The Most Important Things in the Universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Cole Hamels Has Been in Line for Three Weeks. In case you hadn’t heard, Twilight: New Moon has opened in theaters across America. If you don’t know where your local theater is, just follow the smell of Clearasil. In honor of the cultural phenomenon that is Twilight, I now present video of star Kristen Stewart throwing footballs at plates on the Jimmy Fallon show.
2. EPR Readers Saw This Coming. Oprah Winfrey has confirmed that she will be ending her groundbreaking daytime weep-fest in 2011. If you are suprised by this announcement, then you obviously didn’t read Everything Power Rankings on November 6 when I let this particular cat out of the bag. I have my finger on the pulse here, people.
3. Rock That Rim, Dunking Pubescent Female. Amber McLin is a 13-year-old Chicago basketball player. She is 6-foot-4. She can dunk in that weak-ass girlie way that is supposed to be impressive but actually isn’t. I’m a hater. So?
4. It’s Already Got a Backdoor. It’s Called Your Grandma Using Email. Microsoft has officially denied building a backdoor into Windows 7, answering concerns raised by geeks after a member of the NSA testified before Congress that the agency had participated in the creation of the new operating system. For those who never saw War Games, a backdoor is something dorks build into their programs so they can break into them without anyone knowing. For those who don’t watch CSPAN, the NSA is the agency responsible for illegally tapping people’s phones under orders from George W. Bush. Now we see why collusion between Microsoft and the NSA might be worrisome.
5. You Know That Wrinkle Cream Your Mom Uses? Um… Peruvian police have arrested members of a crazy gang that allegedly kidnapped poor people, killed them, drained the fat from their bodies and used said extract to create a wrinkle-cream which they then sold to guillible Europeans. I really want to praise these guys for their initiative and capitalistic spirit, but I just can’t get past that whole part where they murdered people, took their fat and sold it to rich folks who then smeared it on their faces.
6. There They Go, Preaching Morality Again. The Vatican has denounced Twilight: New Moon and its occult imagery for representing “a moral void more dangerous than any deviant message.” They did admit that Taylor Lautner looks pretty damn hot with his shirt off. They just wish he were a tad younger.
7. I’ve Got Your Mom of the Year Right Here. An Arkansas woman was having trouble getting her 10-year-old daughter to go to bed, so she did what any exasperated parent would do: called a cop and told him to taser the girl if she didn’t start listening. The girl didn’t start listening, and the cop tasered her. Clearly, the girl was possessed by a demon that entered her body after she watched Twilight. Or maybe her mother just sucks at being a mother.
8. That’s a Lot of Money Just for Begging a Guy to Unretire. Brad Childress has gotten a contract extension from the Vikings that will keep him in the coach’s chair through 2013. The new contract will reportedly pay Chilly up to $5 million/year – a lot of money, some would say, for a guy who still hasn’t won a playoff game. Of course, that whole never-won-in-the-postseason thing will be rectified this year. Unless Brett Favre’s osteoporosis gets too bad.
9. I Didn’t Really Need Another Reason to Hate Jay Mariotti, But… Besides being one of the two biggest reasons that Around the Horn is the most unwatchable show on television (the other being Tony Reali’s hair), Jay Mariotti is also apparently oversensitive about people taking cellphone pictures of him when he’s chilling at a club. Yes, Jay Mariotti chills at clubs. But if you see him at one, possibly grinding on some fugly blondes, don’t try to snap him with your iPhone or he will, uh, snap.
10. Random Old Music Video in the 10 Slot: Meat Puppets – Backwater
Further Reading:
Let’s Make Some Excuses for Jay Cutler
How to Get a Contract Extension in 5 Easy Steps, by Brad Childress
Stephon Marbury! Transform and Roll Out! (Video)
Joakim Noah Tells Truths, Lakers Beat Bulls
Blogs With Balls Radio, Episode 10
Crazy College Football Trick Play
The Nets Could Win this Weekend. Or Not.
Something About Barack Obama Playing Football in a Bears Jacket
Michael Madsen Career Highlights
Five Ways to Improve the NFL (That Don’t Involve Nudity)
The Degenerate Gambler’s Weekend Guide: Palin’s Rogue Picks
Shawshank Fiction: If Samuel L. Jackson Played Red
Eagles Wish List for Sunday Night’s Game
Downtown Stadium Gaining Traction in San Diego
Keys to the Game: New Moon and the Jay Cutler Saga
Tim Lincecum Wins Another Cy Young
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.