The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 11 of the NFL
1. Devin Hester indeed has an ass.
2. The Browns‘ creativity in finding ways to lose knows no bounds.
3. Bruce Gradkowski has more energy (wink, wink) than JaMarcus Russell.
4. The list of attributes required to defeat the Redskins does not include good offense.
5. T.O. stinks, the Bills lose. T.O. is awesome, the Bills still lose.
6. Legs can only bend so far before they break.
7. The Chiefs are still in the NFL. Ben Roethlisberger might not be for much longer if he doesn’t stop getting hit in the head.
8. The Jets need to clone Darrelle Revis so he can cover both Randy Moss and Wes Welker.
9. You were right, Broncos Naysayer Guy. They were a mirage.
10. Ed Reed is a lateraling fool. Emphasis on “fool.”
2. The Same Thing Happens to Me All the Time on Madden. The question: How does a team, down by 2, get the ball back on the opponents’ 32 with 1:04 left and still not get off the potential game-winning field goal before time expires? The answer, courtesy of Les Miles and LSU: Incomplete pass, 9-yard sack, screen pass for minus-7, 43-yard pass to the 5 with 1 second left, game-ending spike clearly ordered by the coach (though the coach, in his post game presser, denied calling the spike). Now, another question: Who will be coaching LSU next year?
3. Michael Oher’s Ass Kicked by Pale, Girly Vampires. Twilight: New Moon won the weekend box office with over $140 million in receipts. Placing a distant second was The Blind Side, the sappy-looking life story of offensive lineman Michael Oher. The Blind Side would’ve done better, but sports fans stayed away in droves after seeing Lou Holtz in the trailer. That left an audience filled with clueless parents who needed something to do while their kids went to see the shirtless dudes and the werewolves. They now hate Lou Holtz too.
4. Rednecks, Bow Before Your God. Jimmie Johnson has supplanted Jesus and Sarah Palin as the #1 redneck icon after winning his fourth straight NASCAR Whatever They’re Calling it This Year Cup championship. Hillbillies celebrated by getting drunker than usual and stringing up ten census takers.
5. Clearly, This Man Does Not Fear Swine Flu. A sting operation at a California mall Wednesday netted a 39-year-old man who was arrested for paying some teenagers to spit in his face. Other teens claim the same man offered them money to slap him and also go #1 and #2 on him. Not surprisingly, the man has a MySpace page and an unlisted phone number. And I bet he’s just a riot at office parties.
6. Move Over Kurt and Brenda Warner, God Has a New Favorite Couple. Radar Online has revealed that Rams second-string quarterback Kyle Boller and disgraced former Miss California Carrie Prejean are dating. They met at a bible meeting and immediately started emailing each other racy photos (disclaimer: I made that up).
7. Somewhere, Roger Goodell is Making an Angry-Father Face While Shaking His Head in Disappointment. Chargers defensive back Antonio Cromartie is being investigated by the cops after a Sunday night tavern incident in which someone – Cromartie, according to witnesses – threw a champagne bottle and struck another patron in the head. The other patron was not Norv Turner.
8. More Reasons Not to Eat Sushi (Besides the Fact That it’s Sushi). Scientists took samples of sushi from 31 restaurants in New York City and Denver and tested their DNA. They discovered that, in many instances, restaurants are selling sushi from endangered species without telling people. In other instances, the sushi was from species that have been banned in some countries for being toxic. In all cases, the shit was totally disgusting.
9. Floor, Meet the World’s Second-Most-Famous Ass. Jennifer Lopez took a little tumble during her American Music Awards number Sunday night. The fall was not nearly as humiliating as the rest of the performance.
10. Okay, We Got it, You’re Not Clay Aiken. Adam Lambert used his American Music Awards-closing number to reassure us that he is not a goody-two-shoes like those other American Idol people, but is instead a sick freak who enjoys leashes, crotch-sniffing and the sort of tired provocation even Madonna has given up on.
Further Reading:
Matthew Stafford is Perhaps Too Tough for His Own Good
10 Stupid Sports Quotes (No Deion?)
Rod King on Bill Simmons (audio)
Yankee Players Blow Off DVD Premiere
Jim Leavitt Uses Bloodshed to Fire Up His Players
10 Strange Photos from College Football Saturday
Heacock Steps Down as YSU Football Coach
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
