The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. I Think Jesus Would Approve. Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen is sporting a black eye after getting punched during an altercation outside a South Bend bar in the wake of the Irish’s double-overtime loss to the UConn Huskies. Somebody has got to do something about Lou Holtz before he really hurts someone. Might I suggest electroshock…to the scrotum?
2. Why Do They Call Him the Baby Jesus? No Way the Baby Jesus Could Hit .365. Twins backstop Joe Mauer defied the infamous east coast bias to claim the American League MVP. His friends said giving the voters lap-dances wouldn’t help, but I guess they were wrong. Teabagging Tim Kurkjian also never hurts.
3. There Are Some Who Consider This Guy a Hero. Not Me, Necessarily, But I’m Just Sayin’. Michael Barrett, the man accused of videotaping ESPN starlet Erin Andrews through a hotel door peephole while Ms. Andrews was prancing around sans clothing, has pleaded not guilty to interstate stalking, a charge that could carry a five year prison sentence. Once we’re done putting this creep away, maybe we could then tackle the mystery of why people are so obsessed with Erin Andrews in the first place. She’s a cute girl and all, but she ain’t no Andrea Kremer, you know?
4. They’re Lucky Steve Williams Wasn’t There. Stanford alum Tiger Woods went to midfield to give a speech at halftime of the Cal game, and to his infinite shock and dismay, was roundly booed by his alleged home-stadium crowd. Who knew there were that many Y.E. Yang fans in Palo Alto?
5. 50 Cent Don’t Mess With Freaks. Accounts of Marv Albert’s altercation with members of 50 Cent’s posse backstage at the Jimmy Kimmel show have been greatly exaggerated, according to Marv Albert himself. In fact, according to Marv, 50 is the loveliest guy in the world and a brilliant artist on top of that. And from now on Marv will be washing 50’s Bentleys for him on weekends, not because 50 threatened him or anything, but just because Marv likes doing that sort of thing.
6. He Just Figured Out that Bill Belichick is a Jerk? Where Has He Been the Last Ten Years? Passed Out on the Floor of an IHOP? Rex Ryan is blubbering again, this time about Bill Belichick “disrespecting” him and the Jets by throwing a bomb with a 17 point lead and 30 seconds left in the game. One day, Rex Ryan will become a real coach like Belichick and understand the value of attempting to grind your opponent into dust. Do not doubt the Hoodie.
7. Is This an Argument for or Against Socialized Medicine? I Get Confused. Joe Tiralosi of Brooklyn collapsed in the emergency room of New York Presbyterian on August 17 and died of cardiac arrest. That would normally be the end of the story, except for the funeral and such, but this time, doctors kept the narrative alive by bringing the dead man back to life even though his heart stopped beating for a total of 47 minutes. Living 47 minutes without your heart beating even once is, alas, not the record for the longest such stretch. That mark still belongs to Al Davis, who remains alive even though his heart quit 9 years ago.
8. Your Random Ham Hitting Some Woman in the Face Video of the Day. Paula Deen is what, some kind of TV chef? I don’t watch those kind of shows, so, I have no idea. But I don’t really need to know who someone is to enjoy video of them getting popped in the nose with a flying ham, do I?
9. Stop Trying to Improve Our Childrens’ Minds You Socialist So-and-So. Barack Obama, in reckless disregard of the feelings of Teabaggers, creationists, paranoid anti-government nut-jobs and Sarah Palin, has announced a new education initiative that will place an emphasis on getting kids interested in science. Actually, it’s not that hard to get kids into science. Just show them how they can make their own stinkbombs using household chemicals. Within a decade, America will be at the forefront of stinkbomb technology. And that’s as it should be.
10. This is What Simulated Fellatio and Kissing Dudes Will Get You. Adam Lambert’s campaign to become the male Christina Aguilera has hit a snag after ABC’s announcement that it will not be featuring his wild sex show on Wednesday’s Good Morning America program as scheduled. So those who were looking forward to Adam and Robin Roberts grinding on Chris Cuomo…maybe next time.
Further Reading:
Fantasy Football Fiasco, Week 11
Fisherman Hooks 150 Pound Tuna from a Kayak
Live from the Maui Invitational: Day 1
8 Random Videos: Silverdome Sale Edition
The Steelers Will Not Make the Playoffs
Matthew Stafford, Now You’re a Man
Jason Grilli Announces Signing Via Twitter
Vince Young and Bernard Pollard Make Nice
Five Easy Subject Changes to Avoid Thanksgiving Fights
Vikings-Cardinals Game Getting Bumped to Prime Time
The 10 Best Scenes from Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
