The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Will He Call an Adultery Penalty on Himself? The ever-reliable Media Take-Out.com claims Tiger Woods is messing around on his wife Elin with a woman named Rachel Uchitel. Media Take-Out knows the story is true because they got it from the upcoming issue of National Enquirer. The Enquirer knows it’s true because they got it from the same urine-smelling dude with leaves in his beard who told them Bigfoot killed JFK by telepathically controlling Lee Harvey Oswald. And that guy knows it’s true because when he took off his tinfoil hat, Bill Belichick beamed it into his mind with his giant radio dish. Bill Belichick knows it’s true because he’s Bill freaking Belichick.
2. This Kicks the Queen Version Right in the ‘Nads. The Muppets do Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah, I know, all your friends tweeted it last night. Well watch it again.
3. So Pretty Much Everything is Rigged? Nice. Tim Donaghy was not the only crooked referee involved with the betting scandal that sent the former NBA official to jail, says gambler Jimmy “The Sheep” Battista. In fact, says Battista, there were 13 refs total caught up in the illegal behavior. I told David Stern to fit this guy for a pair of cement shoes before he went stoolie, but he never listens.
4. When is a High-Five Not a High-Five? When the NFL Says it isn’t. Vince Young appeared to high-five official Jerome Boger after taking a knee to seal Tennessee’s Monday night victory over Kris “I May Suck But at Least I Don’t Punch Women” Brown and the Houston Texans. According to the NFL, however, the high-five never happened. There is a tortured, completely unconvincing explanation of what actually did happen, for connoisseurs of hastily-fabricated vaguely Orwellian corporate jive.
5. I Guess Chuck and Jay Won’t be Going Clubbing Anytime Soon. You hate Jay Mariotti and Skip Bayless, I hate Jay Mariotti and Skip Bayless, and Charles Barkley hates Jay Mariotti and Skip Bayless. I have it on good authority that Jay Mariotti’s mother still loves him, but Skip Bayless’s mom is sort of wavering.
6. Negative-100 Hipness Points for the White House. The next season of MTV’s inexplicably long-lived and utterly idiotic The Real World is set in Washington, D.C. As part of their effort to connect with young people who have absolutely nothing worthwhile to do with their lives and just sit in front of the TV all day watching whatever load of fucking bullshit comes on, the White House cooperated with the show’s producers and let one of the “housemates” stand behind the podium where spokesman Robert Gibbs spins his daily lies. Please tell me they didn’t also let several of these idiots have an orgy in the Lincoln Bedroom. Cause the whole place would have to be fumigated then and as a taxpayer I would be like totally outraged.
7. Today in Separated at Birth Acknowledgement News. The writers of House finally dealt with the elephant in the room. No, not the fact that the show is sucky and unrealistic…I mean the whole Omar Epps/Mike Tomlin uncanny resemblance thing. Sure, the line is kind of contrived and clunky, but then so is House.
8. Have Drunk, Obnoxious Golfers No Voice in the Courtrooms of Nova Scotia? A Nova Scotian judge has decreed that, henceforth, the technique of running up on the golf ball whilst driving, an approach known throughout the world as the “Happy Gilmore,” shall be banned on that island province’s many wind-swept and not-particularly-well-groomed courses. But it’s still okay to rape the sheep that keep the grass trimmed. Some things are just sacred traditions.
9. How Long Before Jay Cutler Demands a Trade to Buffalo? ESPN says former Broncos coach Mike Shanahan met for seven hours with Buffalo Bills COO Russ Brandon. Everyone assumes this means Shanahan is interested in becoming head coach of the Bills. Cause why the hell else would you spend seven hours with the Bills’ COO? Unless you had something kinky going on with him, which we know Mike Shanahan doesn’t, because he’s not that kind of guy.
10. In Honor of Thanksgiving… Mike Rowe watches as a guy inseminates turkeys, turkeys shoot poop geysers. Enjoy your dinner!
Further Reading:
Jon Runyan Puts Political Career on Hold for Football Player Job
Durant Durant: Hungry Like the Wolf
Great Moments in Unlicensed Pittsburgh Sports Merchandise
Blogs With Balls Radio, Episode 11
Everyone’s Wearing Eye Black for Tim Tebow’s Last Home Game
Jews vs. The Klan in Baseball. No, it’s Not a South Park Bit.
15 Hottest Women of Dancing With the Stars
Which Athlete Would You Invite Over for Thanksgiving?
College Football Weekly Update
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
