The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Breaking News: NFL Coaches Swear Sometimes. The NFL Network has offered numerous effusive apologies after allowing a profane Josh McDaniels utterance to make it on the air during their Thanksgiving evening turkey of a game between Denver and the Giants. And you thought your drunken, brawling relatives were the only ones who used that kind of language on Thanksgiving.
2. Richard Heene Wishes He’d Thought of it. Congratulations to future reality TV stars Michaele and Tareq Salahi for successfully tricking the Secret Service and gaining admittance to Tuesday’s White House state dinner in honor of Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh. I thought that kind of stuff only happened in National Treasure movies, but nope, it goes on in real life too.
3. $4.5 Million Doesn’t Buy as Much Freedom as it Used to. Roman Polanski has coughed up $4.5 million to Swiss authorities and will now be moved from prison to house arrest at his $1.6 million Alpine chalet. I know it sounds like Roman is getting off light, but remember, he still has to wear an ankle monitor, plus the Swiss courts are mandating that his thermostat be kept below 72 and his hot tub use be limited to 2 hours per day.
4. That’s What Happens When You Drop the Incest Bomb. Mackenzie Phillips says that, after telling the world she had sex with her own father John, the rest of the Phillips family uninvited her from Thanksgiving. She would’ve dropped by at Schneider’s instead, but cold pizza and beer isn’t her idea of a holiday feast. Plus he has that bad habit of walking around in his bathrobe with his sack hanging out.
5. Stop Trying to Distract Us from that Whole Turning White Thing. Sammy Sosa, who made news recently by suddenly acquiring a complexion Robert Pattinson would find a tad pale, is facing further ridicule after being sued for $200,000 by a guy he has stiffed multiple times for large amounts of money. To sum up: Sammy Sosa is a roid-taking cheater, and he’s cheap, and he’s vain and ashamed of his racial heritage. But other than that, he’s a hell of a guy.
6. In England They Call it a “Boot.” Nowhere do They Call it a “Kid Compartment.” A Fall River, Massachusetts man has been charged with child endangerment after allegedly locking his two kids, aged 3 and 6, in the trunk of his Trans Am while he went about his errands. The man’s defense? His kids like playing in the trunk. And, as we know, good child rearing is all about letting them do the things they enjoy no matter how dangerous or stupid they are.
7. It Was All a Ploy to Get Stephen A. Smith Back on ESPN. Allen Iverson, through his official media outlet Stephen A. Smith, has announced his intention to retire from the NBA. Skeptics, however, insist that, were Iverson to be offered a contract by a good team, he would do a 180 and continue his career. One thing everyone can agree on? We liked it better when Stephen A. Smith was off the radar.
8. Ozzie Guillen is Polishing Up His Fat Jokes. The White Sox have followed up the signing of geriatric infielder Omar Vizquel by inking one-time All-Star outfielder Andruw Jones. Be afraid, Chicago all-you-can-eat places. Be very afraid.
9. Ocho-Wan Kenobi? Ochocinco may be a well-compensated professional athlete, but that doesn’t stop him from craving a good Black Friday bargain, like, for instance, that $5 Snuggie from Target. May the retail force be with you, Chad.
10. Random Dexter Clip in the 10 Slot. Dexter Fights with Doakes.
Further Reading:
Magic Have a Happy Thanksgiving
The Degenerate Gambler’s Weekend Guide
Bulls Fans Not too Thankful Right Now
The December Dallas Cowboys Need to Surprise Critics
25 Funny Comic Strips About the Web
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
