The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 12 of the NFL
1. Hacky sack skills are not only not useful in the NFL, they could actually be detrimental. Which perhaps explains why there are so few hippie football players (apologies to Ricky Williams).
2. Microphones annoy Jay Cutler, especially when they’re being shoved in his face right after he got his ass kicked by a 40-year-old man. At least Jay didn’t have to suffer the humiliation of also getting his ass kicked by children, as his effigy did.
3. The Texans might want to save their celebrating for after they actually beat the Colts.
4. Looking for a good gift idea for LenDale White? How about a watch?
5. Getting fancy on the opening kick-off is a good way for a coach – say Andy Reid, for instance – to get himself ripped.
6. Jake Delhomme’s quest to discover the limit of John Fox’s patience may finally be at an end. It was slightly longer than the quest to find the Holy Grail.
7. Sometimes the back-up QB gets it done. Sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he waits around till the fourth quarter hoping for a blow-out so he can at least get some practice handing it off to Adrian Peterson.
8. Yup, it was Dick Jauron’s fault.
9. This year, there is one pro football team in Ohio, and one team led by Eric Mangini.
10. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, Phillip Rivers, Antonio Gates and Vincent Jackson didn’t follow Chris Chambers over from the Chargers.
2. So, How Was Your Weekend? The Tiger Woods car wreck saga began with an innocent report that made us all think he was dead or at least really messed up. Since then, we have learned that Tiger did not indeed die in the accident, but probably wishes he had. The controversy surrounding said wreck, fueled by people’s suspicions of a cover-up, led Tiger to release a statement on his website in which he took responsibility, for what we don’t really know. The statement did little to assuage people’s doubts. Now Tiger’s image is in a place few thought they’d ever find it, namely the dumpster. At least TMZ isn’t exploiting the whole thing for hits like they do with every other celebrity misfortune. Using the “Elizabeth Lambert is hot because she pulls hair and kicks” logic, Elin Woods must now be the sexiest female in the history of the internet.
3. The Hottest MySpace Manskank to Ever Hit .248 for a Fourth-Place Squad. Pictures surfaced over the weekend of Indians star Grady Sizemore almost flashing his junk in front of a mirror. This is the second-most-embarrassing incident of the past year involving a baseball player, a mirror and a camera. Does Grady have any fantasies about being transformed into mythical beasts?
4. Today, the Swamp is Filled With Angel Tears. Tim Tebow made his last home appearance as a Gator a memorable one, helping Urban Meyer and Florida squash that senile old fool Bobby Bowden and the Seminoles. Not only has Tebow lifted the Gators to a dominating level, he has also made Bible-thumping eyeblack the must-have accessory for sports stars who like shoving their beliefs down other people’s throats.
5. Fat, Dead Man Walking. Charlie Weis was probably already done at Notre Dame, but it certainly didn’t help for him to get beat by Stanford. Now there’s nothing left to do but wait for the South Bend hatchet men to lop off Charlie’s head. Then they can hire a new coach who will also fail to live up to the unrealistic expectations everyone places on Notre Dame football. Hate to break the news to Irish fans, but, Knute Rockne himself could come back from the grave and lead this team, and they’d still have no shot at a BCS bowl. The post-game press conferences would be a lot more fiery though, I bet.
6. That’s About a Thousand Dollars per “Fuck,” and an Extra $500 Just for Scaring the Crap out of Everyone. Serena Williams has received her punishment for going nuts on an official at the U.S. Open: an $82, 500 fine and the threat of a suspension if she gets out of line like that at any Grand Slam tourney in the next two years. They should also make her pay that poor little line judge’s therapy bill, which must be astronomical.
7. My Advice? Don’t Have the Secret Service do Security for the Wedding. Former first-daughter Chelsea Clinton has gotten engaged to her Goldman Sachs banker boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky. What I don’t need from you smart-alecks is any jokes about buying her a new bridle or feed bag as a wedding gift. That shit ain’t right.
8. They Would’ve Been Better Off With Lawrence Welk. And That Dude’s Dead. The New Jersey Nets‘ historically dismal start finally cost Lawrence Frank his job. Frank may now pursue his other passion, working for minimum wage with a silly paper hat on his head while reeking of zit cream.
9. Think of How Many Bugs You Could Zap With That Thing. The tousle-headed dorks at CERN have proudly announced that their famous Large Hadron Collider has officialy broken the record for world’s most powerful particle accelerator. You know the difference between a nerd and a redneck? When a redneck wants to compensate for his small penis, it only bugs the people around him who don’t like loud pick-up trucks. It doesn’t put the entire world in danger of being swallowed by black holes.
10. Jeez, Get a Room. David Letterman likes to fawn over his attractive female guests a little. And when said attractive female guest is the beautiful and talented Natalie Portman? The fawning reaches a level Dave doesn’t normally achieve unless he’s trying to get an intern into the sack.
Further Reading:
Ten Funniest Words in the English Language
Funniest Athlete Arrests of the Decade
The 10 Do’s and Don’ts of the Tiger Woods Love Triangle Saga
A New MLB Blog, “7th Inning Stache”
Patrick Ewing Wants First Stab Sinking Ship in New Jersey
Vince Young: Don’t Call it a Comeback
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
