The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. They Finally Got the Keys Away from Grandpa. Weeks of speculation have ended with the news that legendary 80-year-old Florida State coach Bobby Bowden has at last agreed to step aside. Long-time heir-apparent Jimbo Fisher may now begin the short but agonizing process of failing miserably in the wake of a legend’s retirement, leaving the program in shambles. In honor of Bobby, here’s a selection of 8 videos tracking his descent into dementia.
2. Move Over Bill Belichick, There’s a New Grand Wizard of Coaches, and His Name is Sean Payton. Monday night’s showdown game between the Saints and Patriots turned into a Monday night bloodbath, with Drew Brees in the role of crazed chainsaw-wielding murderer, and the Patriots’ secondary playing the busty, shrieking co-ed. Brees is now the front-runner for MVP, and Sean Payton is now the mysterious Jedi master of the NFL.
3. And in the Role of Tiger’s Escalade, Goalie Tomas Vokoun… (via Deadspin)
4. It’s Better Than the Witness Protection Program. Disgraced former Olympian Marion Jones is a year out of jail and ready to make a comeback…not as a track star, but as a player in the WNBA. Obviously, Marion is not yet ready to get back in the public eye. No, I’m not apologizing for that.
5. You Can Only Make the Same Movie So Many Times Anyway. Fans of the Bourne Something-acy series are in a sad mood today after hearing that Paul Greengrass has quit his job as director of the planned fourth installment of the popular franchise. Reports say Greengrass walked over script issues. So he finally caught on that the whole thing is preposterous and confusing. What took him so long?
6. I Think I Found Elizabeth Lambert a Girlfriend. (via Busted Coverage)
7. Fast Food is About to Get Even Faker. Scientists in the Netherlands have developed a technique that may, within five years, allow laboratory-grown meat to replace the stuff we take from dead cows. It’s good they didn’t have this when Rocky was made, cause Sly punching beakers? Just ain’t the same.
8. Today in Foregone Conclusions, Part 1. Tiger Woods announced on his website that he has elected to skip this week’s Chevron World Challenge, citing injuries sustained in his car wreck. Ferocious discipline doesn’t only help you become a great golfer; it also comes in handy when sticking to a bullshit story.
9. Today in Foregone Conclusions, Part 2. Notre Dame made it official at a Monday afternoon press conference: Charlie Weis’s tumultuous tenure as head football coach has come to a merciful end. Now that the nausea-inducing “Will Weis be Fired?” talk is over, we can get on with the bowel-shrinking “Which Poor Dope Will be Next to Have His Career Sucked into the Bottomless Pit of Despair That is Notre Dame Football in the 21st Century?” speculation. Jim Harbaugh anyone?
10. The Interesting One Does Letterman’s Top 10. No Twitter jokes. Disappointing.
Further Reading:
All-Time Favorite Victoria’s Secret Angels
Who is the Most Dominant Athlete Ever?
George Costanza is the Guy Behind Derek Jeter
Orlando Magic News & Notes: More Power Rankings
Great Moments in Unlicensed Pittsburgh Sports Merchandise
Fantasy Football Fiasco – Week 12
Kiki Vandeweghe Likes an Insurmountable Challenge
Is Felipe Lopez in the Cards for Milwaukee?
Celtics Understand – These Are Not Your Average Bobcats
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
