Here’s how this updated version of The Philadelphia Story goes. Allen Iverson suddenly retires. In the A.I. Dictionary: Answer Edition, the verb “retire” means “to officially temporarily quit the game of basketball until a team offers a ludicrous salary for a washed-up All-Star, and also promises him a starting position so he can keep jacking up questionable shots and climbing the NBA all-time scorers list, while refusing to play any defense whatsoever.”

Meanwhile, the Philadelphia 76ers are dead last in the NBA in home attendance. Hell, Patti LaBelle’s boobs probably aren’t sagging as bad as the Sixers’ ticket sales at this point. They just lost starting guard Lou Williams for eight weeks with a broken jaw that has to be wired shut Kanye West style (why can’t that happen to Kanye over and over again?). The team is 5-13 and essentially already out of the playoff race. Their record isn’t going to boost attendence, so something else will.

Even illiterate Philladelphian Charlie Kelly could put two and tow together here. The Sixers have offered A.I. a contract and presumably a starting spot in order to boost their pathetic attendance. Should Iverson decline their offer on Wednesday or not work out, here are 10 other Philadelphian publicity-stunt signings that could help fill the Wachovia Center.

10. M. Night Shyamalan – His movies now suck (Lady in the Water? I was about to drown myself in the water). The Sixers could promote him as the first-ever Indian NBA player. And just think of all the cool “Sixer Sense” marketing opportunities.

9. Kevin Bacon – Another Hollywood household name who’s from Philly and suffering through a bit of a career rut. Who big would “Sixer Degrees of Kevin Bacon” go over on the jumbotron during timeouts and quarter breaks?

8. Bill Cosby – Cosby loves hoops, is still beloved in Philadelphia and selling Jello Pudding Pops would be awesome for the little Sixers fans. He’d prob request some social commentary opportunities as a condition of his contract, though. Not sure that would help fill the seats. On the other hand, Cosby’s speech pattern is hilarious even when he’s being ultra serious.

7. Mike Schmidt – Four words: Mike Schmidt Mustache Night. Boom!

6. Joe Frazier – The most famous non-fictional boxer to represent the Fighting City of Philadelphia. I can imagine there are a lot of digruntled Philly fans who yell “just kick they ass, Sixers.” Even at the advancing age of 65, Smokin’ Joe could appease the most blood-thristy Philly sports fans.

5. Will Smith - The Fresh Prince is insanely popular everywhere, not just in his own stomping grounds. He’s also 6-foot-2, pretty athletic and went to the same high school as Wilt 20,000. Fans would love his catchphrase of “Aw, hell no!” playing on the scoreboard screen every time he rejected a shot.

4. Benjamin Franklin – Of course you can’t get the real Benjamin Franklin. But you can find some run-of-the-mill white journeyman; offer him the biggest contract he’ll ever see; get him to officially change his name to Benjamin Franklin; and have him get white extensions to replicate Franklin’s ‘do and rock goofy sport goggles. The fans would go nuts.

3. Betsy Ross – Even better than the above option. Not only do you bring back Philly’s favorite female and flagmaker, but you get to boast about signing the first ever woman to play in the NBA (Ann Meyers never actually played, folks). And you could actually get a talented WNBA player to sign, change her name and impersonate Betsy. The money and the gig would be more than convincing enough.

2. Vince Papale - I’m not sure there’s a man anywhere that makes a city anywhere more nuts than the ex-Eagles special teams standout does Philly. Well, there’s one exception…

1. Sylvestar Stallone…as Rocky – Every game would be sold out with deafening chants of Rocky set to repeat. The Sixers would have to throw “max out” money at Sly to get him to do the gig, but it would be worth it. Sly is still in great shape and seems to love to go against the grain at this point in his career. One potential snag: the NBA’s testing program for performance enhancing drugs.