The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. He’s Buying a New Yacht Called “Leave Me the Fuck Alone.” The Tiger Woods story has not diminished in magnitude since the weekend, but has instead grown, like a pus-filled boil that’s now big enough to make you actually consider going to the doctor. Tiger would like to lance the boil and let the gook ooze out, but that’s not going to happen until the skanks he’s boned stop leaking personal voicemails and other electronic correspondence to the media. Thank goodness we have the Chinese to make it all make sense for us, via creepy computer animation.
2. Shocking Revelation: Marilyn Monroe Sat on Couches, Smoked, Hung With People. An inordinate amount of fascinated panting is being expended over a newly-surfaced home movie showing Marilyn Monroe acting like a normal human being around other normal human beings. Some say the thing she’s smoking in the film is a joint, but I think that’s just potheads trying to claim Marilyn for their own. And she seemed like more of a bong-girl to me anyway.
3. First the Pussy Thing, Now This. Jay Cutler doesn’t need criticism from fans and media; he gets plenty from within his own team, thanks very much. His biggest critic, since almost the second he joined the Bears, has been Brian Urlacher, who famously branded him a pussy, and has now had to apologize for suggesting that Cutler’s arrival basically screwed up the Bears’ offense before he even played a snap. I’d be worried about Cutler taking a poke at Urlacher, if he wasn’t such a whimpering candy-ass.
4. Screw My Family, I Wanna Play. Allen Iverson has cut his retirement short and signed a contract with his old team the 76ers, crushing the dreams of the family members he promised to spend more time with. Remember when Stephen A. Smith had the retirement scoop last week and everyone was like, “Crap, Stephen A. Smith is back.” Well, now he can go away again.
5. And You Thought Teenagers Were Lazy and Unmotivated. Cops in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin have busted up a robbery ring conceived and led by a 17-year-old self-described “skank agent” who used adult ads posted on Craigslist to rope in suckers. The skanky ringleader, Samantha Stubbe, allegedly lured her victims to a hotel under the pretense of selling them sex, at which point her male accomplices would jump and rob the poor horny dopes. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess Samantha and her buds were not using the stolen money to pay their way through college.
6. These Folks Don’t Seem too Worried About Having to Go to Afghanistan. Barack Obama’s speech detailing his plan to mire us even deeper in the nonsensical Afghanistan War not only didn’t rivet the nation, it actually put some of it to sleep. Early campaign slogan for 2012: Yes we can…all take a nap.
7. Good Thing He Doesn’t Play for the Nets Now, Cause He Would Need AA. Ron Artest has admitted that he used to drink Hennessy at halftime when he played for the Bulls, to deal with all the sucking. He’s lucky he didn’t overdo it some night, and wind up in a three-way with Cheryl Miller and Dick Bavetta like poor Charles Barkley did.
8. Florida, the Cradle of Senile Coaches. Certain segments of the sports commentating world are abuzz over video of Dolphins coach Tony Sparano trying to call time-out to stop the clock at a point in the game when the clock was already stopped because of a change of possession. Bobby Bowden laughed when he saw this, then forgot why he was laughing, then called for his nurse to come change his poop bag.
9. Man-Boobs Were Made for Jiggling, Not Lactating. Ragnar Bengtsson of Sweden spent months putting his man-boobs through daily three-hour pumping sessions in hopes of making them produce milk. Sadly, Bengtsson’s breasts proved drier than an Oscar Wilde quip, and he has now abandoned the attempt. Bengtsson’s failure will not, I’m sure, deter hundreds of other bored idiots from trying the same thing.
10. Random Dexter Clip in the 10 Slot. Dexter kills that giant Hispanic dude.
Further Reading:
Waiting for Godunk: My Tryout With Hometown Sixers
Celtics Shooting the Lights Out
Florida State Lineman Apparently Unaware Play Has Started
Exclusive Interview With Matt Schaub
10 Non-AI Signings That Could Boost Sixers‘ Attendance
The Meeting Pete Rose in Las Vegas Field Guide
Week 13 NFL Betting Power Rankings
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
