The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Lesson #126 of the Tiger Woods Drama: Don’t Mess With Swedes. As if Elin Nordgren’s (alleged) golf club attack on Tiger’s Escalade weren’t proof enough that Swedish people are not to be fucked with, here comes Jesper Parnevik – the man who hooked Elin up with Tiger in the first place – offering a scathing assessment of Tiger’s character (“We probably thought he was a better guy than he is”) and imploring Elin to go driver the next time she decides to take a swing at him. Don’t let that flipped-up hat-brim fool you – Jesper is no one to be trifled with.
2. There’s Gotta be a Cheaper Way to Get Some on the Side. Website The Daily Beast says Tiger Woods is negotiating an immediate $5 million payment to enraged wife Elin Nordgren, and says the beleaguered couple is reworking the prenup to guarantee Elin $55 million if she stays with Tiger two more years. Ah, romance.
3. Today is a Great Day…or a Very Very Sad Day, Depending on How Much You Care About the State of Civilization. The world of WoW is reeling from the news that a Taiwanese man who plays under the handle “Little Gray” has become the first human being to ever complete all of the game’s 986 achievements. Little Gray would come out to accept the world’s congratulations, but his skin now bursts into flames if he comes into contact with sunlight.
4. The Real Obama Only Makes People Feel Hate. Texas police report that they have confiscated a batch of the first known Obama-shaped Ecstasy tablets to hit the streets. Don’t take them unless you want to turn into a complete pussy who bows to foreign dignitaries, bends over for generals and whimpers like a bitch every time a Republican walks by.
5. Tiger Probably Wishes He’d Thought of This. A dude calling himself Sal9000 has become the first flesh and blood male to marry a female who exists only inside a video game. The bride, Nene Anegasaki, being nothing but a computer program, presumably had no say in the matter. Which kind of sounds like kidnapping to me, but what the hell do I know, maybe being imprisoned by a geek is incredibly romantic if you’re a video game.
6. Rectum? Damn Near Killed Him. California inmate Rance Johnson is, I hope, resting comfortably today after having the shank he hid in his ass removed by doctors. Police say Johnson found the shank in an interview room, and concealed it in his butt for three weeks before deciding to, um, come clean about it. Unfortunately, by that time, surgery was needed to extract the object. I didn’t really need this lesson in why shoving sharp things in my butt is bad, but thanks for it anyway.
7. He Can’t Act in Japanese Either. Quentin Tarantino makes an appearance in a Japanese commercial, playing the only character he knows how to play: an annoying goofball.
8. Megan Fox isn’t the Only One Taking Cheap Shots at Michael Bay. Composer James Horner is no fan of Michael Bay’s all-tech, no-heart filmmaking approach. While discussing his scoring of James Cameron’s new lame-looking probable blockbuster Avatar, Horner praised Cameron’s attention to the small human moments, while holding up Bay as an example of a guy who lets emotion get swamped by the “mecha.” In Bay’s defense, dude may be a little too much into the special effects, but at least he never made a movie as mind-crushingly boring as Titanic. And at least he never gave Tom Arnold a part.
9. She Just Wants to Get in His Wranglers. Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has been named one of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 by mummified ABC News legend Barbara Walters. Also cracking the top 10 are Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Lady GaGa and Kate Gosselin. Are you sure this isn’t the 10 Most Over-Exposed People of 2009?
10. Because You Asked for it… Serena Williams‘ boobs are too much for her bathing suit while bodysurfing in Barbados (link a tad NSFW). Alliteration is my friend. As is pixelation.
Further Reading:
Greg Olson Moonlighting at FedEx
Week 13 Fantasy Football Roundup
Big 10 Finally Wins Big 10/ACC Challenge
Ron Artest Wants to Fight Ben Wallace Still
Ben Gordon Couldn’t Single-Handedly Beat the Bulls
8 Most Dysfunctional Athlete Relationships
Top 8 Moments in Nerf Basketball History
EA Sports Updates Tiger Woods Video Game
Nick, the NASCAR-Loving Kitten
Mistress No. 3: “Tiger Woods Who?”
Is Derrick Rose DENNISing the Bulls?
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
