The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. The Advantages of Having a Billion Dollars. The new Tiger Woods rumor is that the embattled golf legend paid Rachel Uchitel $1 million to not speak about their affair. He can afford to pay off another 999 such skanks before he finally runs out of scratch.
2. You Are Like a Hurricane…of Idiocy. Rich Rodriguez dug his public perception hole a little deeper by comparing his problems as Michigan football coach to the horrors suffered by the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Cause getting criticized by the media is exactly the same as having your house flooded and having to wait on the roof for the Coast Guard to rescue you.
3. Why the Phrase “You Can’t Make This Shit Up” Was Invented. As further proof that there is a sports god and he sometimes vents his wrath against those who perpetrate ridiculous acts, Mark Sanchez got sliding lessons from Yankee manager Joe Girardi then promptly went out and hurt himself sliding. Is Joe Girardi a closet Bills fan, does anyone know?
4. I’m Sure This isn’t on Purpose. Major League Jerk thinks the new Olympics logo looks like Lisa Simpson doing something to brother Bart that sisters shouldn’t do to brothers. And I don’t mean smacking him on the head. Although “smacking” and “head” are involved.
5. I Really Hope He Wasn’t Listening to Sammy Hagar. Superstar running back Adrian Peterson was ticketed over the weekend for driving 109 in a 55 zone. Adrian said the same thing everyone says when the cop walks up: “Hey. Would you like to meet Brett Favre?”
6. Too Bad Harry Caray isn’t Still Alive. It Would’ve been Awesome Hearing Him Say, “At Third Base, Placido Domingo.” The Philadelphia Phillies have signed a new third baseman in the person of Placido Polanco. Having filled my quota of hot stove stories for the week, I will now return to shit that matters.
7. Today in Corporate Fascism. A Chicago woman spent two nights in the slammer, and now faces several years in prison, after catching a couple minutes of New Moon on her video camera while attempting to record her sister’s birthday fun at the movie theater. Clearly, this woman is a hard-core movie pirate who needs to be dealt with severely. Stringing her up by the toes and burning her eyebrows off with a blowtorch should be good…for starters.
8. How’s Braylon Edwards Working Out? Clearly, the quarterbacks and coach were not the only problems in Cleveland.
9. He Can’t Walk on Water, He Can Only Skip a Ball Across it. Pastor John Ziegler of Australia has disbanded his Church of Tiger Woods in response to the golfer’s recent fall from grace. No longer will pastor Ziegler recite his Prayer for Tiger, nor will he preach his Ten Tiger Commandments. Yes, those are real things. Yes, some religious people are unbelievably stupid.
10. This is What I Call Perfect Synergy. Long-time punchline MC Hammer has become an equity partner in Cash4Gold, and is now the UK spokesman for the shady outfit that annoys all of us with its incessant ads. So, when you send your gold to Cash4Gold, you now what its fate will be: getting spun into gold thread to make the world’s shiniest pair of parachute pants.
Further Reading:
Top 10 NFL Players With Dreads
Sixth Man of the Day: Stephen Curry
That Jim Trotter Guy Sure is Bold
A Holiday Card from Tiger and Elin (Everyone Got This in Their Email but Me)
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
