The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 13 of the NFL
1. Next time, Mike Tomlin should leave hell leashed.
2. Tom Brady isn’t the only Patriot who needs to take the skirt off.
3. Juan Pablo Montoya isn’t the only sports star who likes tacos.
4. Flozell Adams and Justin Tuck need to hug it out.
5. Michael Vick has finally shaken off that prison rust.
6. The double-move is to LaRon Landry as the fake-out field goal hold is to Charlie Brown.
7. Brett Favre’s penchant for throwing terrible picks late in the season is alive and well.
8. Nothing ruins a warm and fuzzy comeback story like having to play the Colts.
9. Tony Romo would rather talk about Jessica Simpson than how bad he sucks in December.
10. Jedi Master Sean Payton is not afraid of 16-0 talk. Or Wookies.
2. How Did He Find Time to Work on His Game? The official Tiger Woods mistress count is up to 7…and #7 is a porn actress. #5 worked at a Perkins. If you can’t even go out for breakfast without getting horny, you might be a sex addict.
3. It’s Better Than Being Holed Up in South Bend With a Box of Krispy Kreme. Pete Carroll was sitting around minding his own business this weekend when all of a sudden Charlie Weis decided to accuse him of living with a USC grad student who is not his wife. And you thought Pearl Harbor was a sneak attack.
4. Packing for Notre Dame Can Wear a Guy Out. Hours after losing a chance at the National Championship by failing to defeat Alabama, Florida coach Urban Meyer was admitted to the hospital with dehydration. Then Tim Tebow came to sprinkle some drops from the Holy Grail into Meyer’s mouth and everything was fine.
5. Christmas in Estonia – Now With Fewer Sado-Masochistic Undertones. At its annual meeting, Estonia’s Father Christmas Congress decided to make that country’s version of Santa Claus more kid-friendly by doing away with his traditional whip. Maybe next year they’ll take away his gimp mask and ball-gag. Then he won’t have any fun.
6. Persistence, Thy Name is the Dude Who Tunneled Through a Mountain Because He Was Sick of Having Nowhere to Park His Truck. After 14 years and lots of backaches, Indian man Ramchandra Das has finally completed the tunnel through solid rock that will allow him to park his truck next to his house. I’m sure there was a good reason why he couldn’t just move the house.
7. Your Once-Every-Five-Years Freddie Mitchell Update. Former Eagles wide receiver Freddie Mitchell was arrested Sunday morning for non-payment of child support. FredEx doesn’t deliver on Sundays…or to baby mamas ever.
8. Gossip Girl – Staten Island. Starring Blake Lively and her totally natural boobs.
9. When Good Dunks Go Bad. Evan Turner will miss 8 weeks with a broken back.
10. Good Luck Jimmy, and Pray You Slide Past Cleveland. Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen has elected to follow Charlie Weis the heck out of South Bend. When fans start punching you in the face, you know it’s time to move on to the next phase of your life, which will involve making millions of dollars and hiring a bodyguard.
Further Reading:
Bulls Let Jarrett Jack Tie Shoe During Live Play
Reggie Jackson MLB HOF Mustache
Louis Murphy Helps the Raiders Stun the Steelers
On Brenda Warner’s Transformation
MVPuppets: King of the Jungle – Kobe or LeBron?
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
