The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Even Lost Doesn’t Have This Many Mysterious Injuries/Illnesses. You go to bed sure the Tiger Woods saga is finally dying down, then you wake up to discover that, in the middle of the night, a middle-aged blonde woman was taken from Tiger’s house by ambulance. And you naturally wonder, “Who went upside whose head with a 7-iron this time?” Proving once and for all that money and fame are no guarantee against your life descending into white trash hell.
2. Only Boring People Are Ever Bored. My Mom Told Me That. Baltimore Raven Ray Rice was left unimpressed by the experience of playing in Green Bay aka the Mecca of Pro Football. The running back called the city “not a real exciting place” and proclaimed “everything about this place is terrible.” Even the shotgun-blasted deer crossing signs?
3. It’s Always Been His Dream to Fade into Obscurity With a Horrible Team in a City That Doesn’t Care About Baseball. Ivan Rodriguez, one-time All-Star and greatest catcher of all-time who never appeared in a spray paint commercial, has signed a contract with the Washington Nationals. Is there some record he’s pursuing? Does he owe someone a lot of money? Was he placed under a hypnotic spell by some unscrupulous agent/mesmerist? Please, help me understand this.
4. Maybe His Next End Zone Dance Will be an Interpretive Piece About What Deadbeats His Family Members Are. Chad Ochocinco is being sued for failure to pay back a $38,000 car loan he obtained while still named Chad Johnson. On Twitter, Chad blamed the whole thing on a negligent family member and warned everyone never to cosign loans. I’ll keep that in mind for the next time I sign a multi-million-dollar contract with an NFL team and relatives I never heard of start coming out of the woodwork.
5. Some Girls Like Hannah Montana, Others Like The Dukes of Hazzard. Cops in central Pennsylvania were taken on a wild 9-mile, 100+ mph ride Monday after a traffic stop gone bad. The twist that makes this tale worthy of EPR? The insane driver was a 13-year-old girl. Puberty can mess with you. So can being brought up in a trailer, with crushed beer cans for a bed.
6. Haven’t Those People Suffered Enough? Lindsay Lohan is taking a break from passing out in public to travel to India and film a documentary about the plight of the poor. It’s like Angelina Jolie lost 30 more pounds, kissed off her career and started drinking vodka concealed in Sunkist cans.
7. Chris Cooley Feels for Tiger. Or Maybe He Just Wanted Traffic for His Blog.
8. How to Make a Mobius Bagel. And really impress the ladies.
9. Maybe it Was His Weird Way of Asking for Her Spaghetti Sauce Recipe. At least one man in the crowd for Sarah Palin’s appearance at Mall of America was not a fan of the former Alaska governor…and made his hostility known by chucking tomatoes at her. He missed. But hit a cop. Which, even in Minnesota, will get you arrested.
10. Mark Cuban Gets His Ass Kicked. Unfortunately, it was a wrestling bit, and therefore fake.
Further Reading:
Several Teams Crazy Enough to Employ Milton Bradley
Guida Ready to Go Against Kenflo
Greatest Sports Movie by Sport (FYI: The Natural sucks)
Martin Brodeur: Simply the Best
Remembering Luc Longley (no he’s not dead)
Some in the Mainstream Media May Need to Tread Lightly When it Comes to the Tiger Fiasco
Dwight Howard Spits on the Ball
Fantasy Football Fiasco Week 13
Brendan Witt Hit by Car, Will Play. Cause He’s a Hockey Player.
Win a T-Shirt from Bear Goggles On
The Winter Meetings Logo is Stupid; Also, Phillies News
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
