December 9, 2009: Freaky Norwegian Spiral Lights; Granderson; Plax

Posted on 09 December 2009 by Dan Zinski


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The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  I’ve Always Dreamed of Being Anally Probed by Aliens.  Now it Looks Like I’ll Get My Chance. Some strange crap went down in the skies over Norway last night.  When the mothership comes…I call shotgun!




2.  So Long, Johnny Damon. A “blockbuster” three-way trade has brought Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, and sent a bunch of other players no one cares about to teams no one cares about.

3.  Just Wait a Minute, She’ll Probably Announce it to the Tabloids. Here’s a handy quiz that will let you know if your woman is having sex with Tiger Woods.  I don’t think people are exploiting this situation enough.

4.  If You Didn’t Want to End Up in Prison, Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Done All That Dumb Stuff and Gotten Caught. Plaxico Burress is trying get on a work release program, but prosecutors say they will challenge the bid, and keep Plaxico’s butt in jail where it belongs.  Butt.  Jail.  Not going there.

5. Yesterday it Was Showing World’s Funniest Accidental Drone Aircraft Massacres, Today it’s Getting Shot up by Hillbillies. What ensues when a man tells his Facebook friends they can shoot up his TV if the Redskins lose to the Saints, and then the Redskins lose to the Saints and everyone pulls up to the guy’s house in their trucks?  Why, hilarity, of course.




6.  Would You Like Some Meaningless Sex With Your Fusilli, Derek? An account of what happened when Derek Jeter tried to order takeout and a female restaurant employee saw her opening.  His life is a saucy beer ad.

7.  Eagles Will Have No Running Game for at Least the Three More Years. Andy Reid has gotten a contract extension from the Eagles through 2013.  Maybe by that time he’ll have figured out how to use Michael Vick.

8.  The World’s Slowest Reader? Ohio library receives a parcel, inside it is a book taken 60 years before, and an apologetic note from the guilt-ridden man who lifted it without checking it out.  My heart is so warm, I swear I just watched a Hallmark Hall-of-Fame movie starring Mickey Rooney, and he wasn’t drunk or anything.

9.  World’s Biggest Jerk? Yup.




10.  Blizzards Suck. That’s all I got.  Just that.  They suck.

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.


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