The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Elin Nordegren Will Not Pull a Betty Draper…Even Though She Probably Should. Mrs. Tiger Woods has made up her mind: she will stay with her cheating, lying, degenerate husband for the sake of the kids. You know it’s not the money, cause she’s gonna get that either way. Also, she sort of enjoyed that whole chasing him with a golf club thing, and is hoping she will get another opportunity. And now, let’s revel in Tiger’s misery a little more, via ’80s rock anthem goof:
2. Squash Fans Make Soccer Fans Look Like Opera Fans. They take their squash very seriously at Dartmouth…a little too seriously, if you ask the Harvard players who were verbally abused by some Dartmouth hooligans at a recent match. You haven’t experienced misogynistic, anti-Semitic vitriol until it’s been spewed your way by several hundred Ed Westwick clones.
3. Buster Olney’s Plans for World Domination are Going Along Swimmingly. Peter Gammons, a pioneer of the sportswriter-to-TV talking head trend, has announced his plans to leave the World Wide Leader for the MLB Network, where he will be reunited with former Bristol colleague Harold Reynolds. Imagine, without Peter paving the way for scribes to migrate to the tube, most of us may never have known about guys like Woody Paige, Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith. Makes you think…about shooting yourself. Here’s a musical tribute to Peter anyway.
4. He’s Allowed to Breed? Gary Busey has taken time out from being crazy as a mofo to knock up his wife Steffanie Sampson. I’m pleading with the medical community, for the love of God, do not let Gary in the delivery room. Unless you want his face to be the first thing that poor kid sees when it comes into the world.
5. Oh, Yeah, That Song. I Remember Turning the Radio Station After the First Line About 500 Times. Billboard has named Daniel Powter the one-hit wonder of the decade for his song “Bad Day.” I would link to the video, for those who don’t remember the tune, but I’d be afraid someone might get it stuck in their head and hang themselves, and I don’t need that fucking guilt.
6. Combining Two Things I Don’t Care About into One Thing I Don’t Care About. Which Family Guy character does each Heisman trophy candidate most resemble? Warning: Annoying slideshow. Warning #2: Humor written by a person who actually likes Family Guy.
7. You Mean They Don’t Just Walk Around in Skimpy Bathing Suits All Day? Forbes reports that Brazil has leap-frogged the US and China to become the #1 SPAM-producing country on the face of the earth. Chicago whips out it’s nah-nah-told-you-so dance…again.
8. Sounds Like One for the Mythbusters. A student in Ukraine was killed when the chewing gum he was enjoying in front of his computer exploded and blew off his jaw. Oh Christ, here come the Oompa-Loompas.
9. Is it Just Me or Does Dick Vitale Sound Like He’s Only Pretending to Care? Great alley-oop dunk by John Wall blah blah…
10. Random Dexter Clip in the 10 Slot: Dexter and Doakes, a Montage of Tension.
Further Reading:
Will They Just Fire Vinny Del Negro Already?
John Tavares: Shades of Brian Trottier
Free iPhone and Android Apps from PSAMP
AHL Team Whips Out the Tiger Woods Foursome Ticket Package
Finally, the Rays Have a Real Closer
Pirates Escape Rule 5, Pick Cardona in AAA Portion
Seattle’s Lime Green Jerseys are Gone Forever
Mike and Mike Make My Ears Bleed; Bucks Win
I Need to Know for Sure if Sarah Palin’s Father-in-Law is Truly Involved in This
Welcome to Detroit, Max Scherzer
There Are Still Reasons to Watch the Bears
Let’s Talk About Jeremy Maclin
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
