The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Really? The Browns?
Steeler fans thought it couldn’t get any worse after the loss to the Raiders. Then the Steelers scored just six points in losing to the Cleveland Browns. That’s still not as bad as getting your nuts caught in an industrial press, so, I guess there’s something to be thankful for.
2. His First Move: Get the Sweaty-Fat-Man Stench Out of His New Office
Notre Dame has hired Brian Kelly to replace Charlie Weis as head coach. Kelly got the job by virtue of his efforts at the University of Cincinnati, a school most people didn’t realize had a football program until the last couple years when they started winning. Evidently, some of Kelly’s now-former Bearcat players are miffed at his decision to leave them in the lurch. They’re just mad because, thanks to their efforts, he will make millions of dollars the next few years, while they will soon be applying at fast food restaurants, having found out the hard way that a fake football player education doesn’t do you a lick of good in the real world.
3. Forget it John. She Doesn’t Like White Meat.
Fake bluesman John Mayer was spotted trying out his moves on fake celebrity Kim Kardashian during soundcheck for one of his recent shows, but Kim, who remains committed to fake NFL star Reggie Bush, was having none of it. John will have to go back to working on fake country singer Taylor Swift, I guess.
4. I Think I Just Found the Next Ricky Gervais.
There is nothing like British wit. It remains dry even at tube stations filled with frustrated commuters. When he told people to shoot themselves…it didn’t make me laugh exactly, but it did make me chuckle way down in my stomach, just like when I watch The Office.
5. Yeah, She’s 26. And I Can Hit a Driver 300 Yards.
Jamie Jungers, one of Tiger’s exclusive set of numbered mistresses, went on the Today Show to tell her story. It’s not a very interesting story. Basically, she had sex with Tiger Woods, then asked him for some money and was upset when he didn’t give it to her. And then she ate a lot and went on the Today Show.
6. They Weren’t Those Annoying Talking Geckos Were They?
A man was arrested at an airport in New Zealand for trying to smuggle a bunch of endangered lizards out of the country in his underwear. A man who is willing to put lizards near his junk…that is a man whose commitment should never be questioned.
7. Tim Tebow Joke T-Shirt, Sure to be a Popular Garage Sale Item Come Next Spring
Tim Tebow is taking tons of crap for crying. Don’t worry though, Tebow will get the last laugh. And the only ones crying will be the fans of whatever NFL team is dumb enough to waste a draft pick on him.
8. Would You Like Some Stark Raving Terror With Your Wienerschnitzel?
On Thursday night, diners at Pagel’s Dinner Circus in Hamburg, Germany were treated to something you don’t normally witness at a supper club: a dude getting mauled by Bengal tigers. The victim, Christian Walliser, was there performing his act with five tigers when he evidently slipped and caused three of the beasts to get confused and try to eat him. Walliser was finally dragged away from the animals, but not before suffering life-threatening injuries. Maybe doing a tiger act in a room full of people who are eating is not a great idea?
9. Quick, Name the Best-Selling Album of the ’00s
Billboard has revealed which album was, by sales, the most popular of the decade about to end. I’m not going to name the record, but I’ll give you a hint: think no-talent white boys on strings.
10. Happy Hanukkah
Further Reading:
Great Moments in Deserved Raises
The Question is “Why Am I Fat?” The Answer is “This.”
Bobby Lashley Signs With Strikeforce
Apparently Tiger Woods Thinks He’s Don Draper (FYI: Don Draper’s women are a tad hotter than Tiger’s)
Five Best Teams from Nintendo’s Tecmo Super Bowl
Yankee Fans More Passionate Than Preteen Girls, Twilight Fans
20 Million Reasons for Pacquiao and Mayweather to Fight at Staples Center
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
