The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 14 of the NFL
1. Leaving it all on the field remains a foreign concept to Randy Moss.
2. The only thing lamer than the Cowboys‘ offense? Their 3D scoreboard.
3. Nothing can stop Brandon Marshall. Except maybe a TV.
4. For Lovie Smith, holiday generosity means giving away time outs. Next time, Lovie, consider a fruit basket.
5. Bills fans finally have something to get excited about: their punter.
6. Chris Johnson is the best thing to happen to Tennessee since the invention of moonshine.
7. Even Jason Hanson sucks now, leaving Lions fans with nothing to cling to but their anger.
8. Some fat men are surprisingly nimble, and then there’s Andy Reid.
9. Marvin Lewis finally found the magic words to make Chad Ochocinco cool it on the celebrations. Every party has a pooper, that’s why we invited Marvin.
10. If you thought sitting would help motivate JaMarcus Russell to get better, you just plain suck at thinking.
2. The Italian Version of the Secret Service Must be Taking its Cues from the American Version
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was injured when a nut threw a metallic replica of Naples’ Duomo cathedral at his face during a political rally. This video makes me wish Eddie Murphy was still on Saturday Night Live to do a “Buckwheat has been hit with a metallic replica of Naples’ Duomo Cathedral” bit.
3. Robin Ficker is Rolling in His Grave. Yes, He’s Dead.
Roy Williams‘ heckler tolerance level reached zero Saturday night at the Dean Dome after a Presbyterian fan started shouting at one of Williams’ players during a free throw attempt, leading to the ejection of said vociferous hoops devotee at Williams’ behest. A point of clarification: by “Presbyterian fan” I mean a fan of Presbyterian College, a South Carolina institute of higher learning whose athletic teams play under the nickname “Blue Hose,” not just a basketball fan who follows the Presbyterian faith, though if he’s a fan of Presbyterian College he probably is a Presbyterian too, none of which has anything to do with my original point, which was going to be that Roy Williams is a wanker and I hope he breaks his other arm and also his smug idiot face.
4. Thanks Rick Reilly. Now I Have to Root for Steve Williams to Knee You in the Groin.
Handsy caddy Steve Williams wants us to understand that he is merely an employee of Tiger Woods and therefore knows nothing about Tiger’s various and sundry liaisons with talkative women except what the rest of us know, which is already too much. That being said, Steve wants us to also understand that Tiger remains his meal-ticket, meaning he will still rough up anyone who gets on his or Tiger’s nerves, including Rick Reilly.
5. Wonder Who Taught Him That Wild Elbow Swing. Couldn’t Have Been Kobe…
Seldom in my life have I spared a thought for Trevor Ariza, but today I did, and my thought was “What an asshole.”
6. The Germans Are Way Ahead of Us in Unlocking the Deadly Potential of Salami. But We Still Have Them Beat When it Comes to Knowing David Hasselhoff Sucks.
Two people from the German town of Aachen ended up in the hospital after a simple supermarket dispute escalated into all-out lunch meat-and-cheese warfare. I think we’ve all experienced such a scenario at one time or another: The store is crowded. There’s only one cart left. You think you’ve won possession of the precious cart, after wresting it away from a 74-year-old man, but then he bashes you in the head with a salami. And then your enraged mother takes a razor-sharp hunk of Parmesan and tries to stab him. Oh man, Seinfeld could do a whole bit.
7. Can’t Imagine Why Anyone Would Object to This
Toyota Australia has been forced to yank an online ad for its Yaris line after complaints from people who read all sorts of naughty stuff into it. Seems innocent enough to me. Nice body on the car.
8. How’s That Learning to Control Your Temper Thing Going, Chris?
Chris Brown is mad…not at Rihanna this time, but at retailers who refuse to stock his new album. And just how incensed is Mr. Brown over this perceived diss? Not only did he go the posting profane rants on Twitter route, he went the extra insane mile by personally hitting a Wal Mart in Connecticut and checking the store rooms in back. Guess what? No album. Wal Mart is lucky it’s not a youthful R&B songstress, or it would be sporting a black eye and inexplicably lying to the cops right about now.
9. Newsflash: FoxNews Skews White. And Stay Tuned for Our Special Report on the Pope’s Controversial Catholic Leanings.
Wanda Sykes recently discovered that, when it comes to having black people on the air, FoxNews is behind most TV networks. And because she’s Wanda Sykes, she made a “funny” video about it.
10. Funny, She Always Seemed Such a Shrinking Violet Sort
For those who care about such things, a picture of Tara Reid on the cover of Playboy is making the rounds on the internet. Inside is an article Tara wrote dissecting the global warming debate. And more photos of her boobs. Okay, there’s no article.
Further Reading:
Jalen Rose Disrespects the Yankees, Nick Swisher
UFC 2010 Undisputed First Look
DeSean Jackson is Pretty Good; So Was the Eagles/Giants Fight
Sports and Social Media Predictions in 2010
10 Terrible Gifts You’ll Definitely Get This Christmas
Derek Fisher Gets Faced by Corey Brewer
Cubs, White Sox Should Look No Farther Than United Center for Left-Handed Bat
Chris Dudley is Running for Governor of Oregon
Misty May-Treanor Named Southern California Sportswoman of the Decade
How the Cleveland Browns Saved 2009
Who Were the Best NASCAR Drivers of the Decade?
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
