The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. It’s too Bad Meryl Streep Can’t Get Any Love from the Press
The Golden Globe nominations have been announced, marking the official beginning of awards season, or as I like to call it, a two-month-long orgy of self-congratulation and hot women dressing up like prom queens from hell…and everyone licking Meryl Streep like a giant white taffeta-draped Popsicle. The good news? Mickey Rourke isn’t up for anything, meaning we won’t have to watch him blubber about his dead dog. If Oprah pushes this movie Precious through like she did Barack Obama, it is a lock for best picture. I’d prefer to see Inglourious Basterds win, cause I’m a sucker for bad spelling, Eli Roth’s eyeliner and incredibly tense dialogue scenes centered around strudels.
2. He Always Thought of His Hos as Members of the Family
Everyone on earth was fooled by Tiger Woods‘ carefully-maintained squeaky-clean family man image…including, apparently, Tiger himself.
3. Jesus Punks His Roommate Kurt Warner
The Cardinals continued their season-long trend of following up success with sucking by losing to the 49ers. Seven turnovers? I know everyone’s in a charitable mood this time of the year, but you know, you could just drop a couple quarters into the Salvation Army thing.
4. I Think Tim Kurkjian Just Had an Orgasm
The hot stove league is hotter than Lady Gaga’s flaming piano, thanks to news of an impending trade that would send Roy Halladay to the Phillies, Cliff Lee to the Mariners and some unlucky souls to the Blue Jays. Who needs football, basketball and hockey when you have off-season baseball trade speculation? Watching actual sporting events is for losers.
5. I’m Sure He Did Feel Blessed…Right Up Until His Heart Exploded
A 75-year-old Nigerian man is dead after a reported hotel sex-romp with a 22-year-old woman sporting the unlikely name “Blessing.” The woman has since been arrested. Assisted suicide is illegal in Nigeria, I guess.
6. Hockey, Much Like Old-Man Sex, is Bad for the Heart
Swedish hockey player Niklas Lihagen collapsed to the ice after a hit and went into cardiac arrest. Rescue came in the form of a referee with CPR experience. Dramatic video follows (cause just describing it would be lame).
7. Kate Hudson Dismounts from the Centaur
Those whose lives are consumed with keeping track of the romantic travails of the rich and pretty are reporting that Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson have broken up. “I’m leaving Alex. You don’t love me anyway. You only love yourself. And your shiny coat which I will no longer be brushing for you.”
8. Bill Walton Rapping (via: NESW Sports)
9. From Now on, Tiger Will Only be Screwing Women Who Work for CBS
CBS golf analyst Ian Baker-Finch, in comments made ahead of a pro-am in his native Australia, revealed that he is under orders from the TV network not to make any remarks about Tiger Woods and his recent troubles. “Mate,” uttered Baker-Finch, “if I say one word about Tiger I will get fired.” Protecting your ratings meal-ticket by slapping gag orders on your employees: a tradition unlike any other.
10. Random Kinks Clip in the 10 Slot: “Waterloo Sunset”
Further Reading:
The Red Sox Are the New Yankees
10 Comical Scenes from Parking Wars
Andrew Bogut Buys Himself Some Fan Love
Merry Freaking Christmas, Cubs Fans
10 Must-See Christmas Horror Movies
Funniest Moment of the Week: Barack vs. Big Daddy Andy Reid
Jim Leavitt is “Appalled” at Allegations He Got Physical With a Player
Fantasy Football Fiasco Week 14
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
