Remember a couple weeks ago when the Patriots-Saints game was supposed to be the fantasy matchup of the season? Thanks to the Pats playing like shit, it turned into a snoozer with the Saints cruising to an easy win.

Turns out the fantasy bonanza of 2009 was played this past Sunday night between the Eagles and Giants. Wait, two rough and tumble NFC East teams? Battling in the cold wet Jersey Meadowlands? Yup. 83 points. 876 yards. Zero defense.

There were five touchdowns over 60 yards. Donovan McNabb and Eli Manning combined to toss for an evil 666 yards and five TDs. Three running backs and Michael Vick ran for scores. DeSean Jackson racked 261 total yards with a pair of sixers. Rookie Hakeem Nicks caught four for 110 and a trip six. Nobody played a lick of defense.

It was a spectacular symphony of fantasy destruction reminiscent of the final scene in Fight Club (minus the male genitalia):

“You met me at a very strange time in my life.” Indeed.

Week 14 Ninjas

The Baltimore treat – If not for Ray Rice, I wouldn’t have earned a playoff berth in one of my leagues. The little man is a big beast. 219 total yards and a score against the cowardly Lions is very Ninja-like. Rice is so stealth, I might have to start calling him Snake Eyes. I’m not sure is he is an orphan, but if he is, I’m offering to adopt him and call him my own. I’ll even buy him a race car bed for his room.

My dinner with Andre – Andre Johnson hadn’t posted a monster game since week 2. He’s been solid, but not dominant most of the season. On Sunday that all changed with 11 grabs for 193 and two trips for six. I expect Andre owners are skipping with glee that he picked week 14 to blow up.

Life of Ryan – I predicted a huge ‘09 campaign for Ryan Grant. He hasn’t really lived up to expectations, but he bailed out the Pack in Chicago by rushing for 137 and two scores. On a personal I-hope-you-die-in-a-horrific-house-fire-Ryan-Grant note, you single handedly knocked me from the postseason. You suck Ryan Grant.

Blackjack

I find it fitting that one egomaniacal prick replaced another in the NFL record books for most receptions in a game. Brandon Marshall’s 21 snags bested Terrell Owens’ 20 to make history. The most interesting thing about this performance was Marshall only mustered 200 yards. That’s it. If DeSean Jackson had 21 catches he would be in the neighborhood of 400 yards. Maybe wunderkind McDaniels should draw up some vertical plays for Marshall. Oh, never mind. Kyle Orton can’t throw a football further than twenty yards.

The One-Armed Man

Matty Schaub is pretty good with two healthy shoulders, but he’s downright unstoppable when one of said shoulders is separated. He chucked for over 300 bills in the first half alone and finished with 365 and a pair of TD tosses. It helps to have Andre Johnson. It helps even more to be playing the Seahawks zombie defense. But it helps the most that after losing three straight games the pressure on the Texans evaporated along with their playoff aspirations. Nobody does 8-8 mediocrity quite like Gary Kubiak.

Every Coach’s Dream

Jeff Fisher can take solace in the fact that he’s never won a Super Bowl in his fifteen years of coaching the Titans by dreaming sweet sweet dreams of running back prodigy Chris Johnson. After shredding the hapless Rams for 186 yards and three scores, Chrissy is still on pace to enter the 2000 club. All he has to do is average 125 ypg in his last three. Seems doable. He’s also cemented himself as the number one overall fantasy pick in 2010. Sorry Adrian Peterson, but you’ve been supplanted. I can’t wait until Chrissy smashes rushing records then holds out all of training camp demanding to be paid accordingly and crying disrespect when he isn’t. Something for Titans fans to look forward to.

Week 14 Dandies

Baby need a nappy – I have a little message for Randy Moss: If you don’t give a shit about the game of football, retire! This prima donna asshole netted me -.5 in fantasy. Great job, you spineless, whining piece of rotting trash. What’s wrong, Randy? Are you upset Wes Welker is Golden Boy Tom’s new BFF? Well, perhaps if you caught everything thrown your way and fearlessly ran over the middle like Welker, maybe Tommy would feel more confident chucking it your way. Once a dick, always a dick.

I’d rather have Kit Carson – The Bengals quarterback is an overrated douche. There, I said it, or rather wrote it. When will the pundits stop including his name amongst the best signal callers debate? Like Judge Smails is famous for uttering, “some people just don’t belong.” 15/25 for 94 yards and a touch is not elite status. Hell, it isn’t even retard status.

Rodger(s) the Shrubber – To be fair, Aaron Rodgers has had a fine season. That being said, when fantasy owners are jockeying for postseason spots the last thing they need from their starting QB is a shit game like the one Aaron pinched versus the Bears. He picked the most inopportune time to not throw at least one touchdown in a game this season. 180 yards and a fumble? What a wispy-bearded jerk. The Packers should trade for Favre.

Null and Void

Being an Eagles fan, I am constantly amazed at how much grief Donovan McNabb takes. Sure, he’s far from perfect and has yet to bring a Lombardi Trophy to Philly. Whatever. I query all Birds fans this: Would you rather have Don or one of these bozos masquerading as quarterbacks? Some clown named Keith Null was trotted onto the field on Sunday. He completed 27 passes for 147 yards and flung five picks. Matt Cassel – who has a $63 million contract – tossed four INTs at home against the 5-8 Bills. ABC should give these two nitwits a sitcom. Pretending to be professional football players is a laugh riot.

Kickers Ruin Everything

Nick Folk and his lousy kicking leg personifies the Dallas Cowboys. He’s missed nine field goals this year. Quick reminder: he gets paid to make three pointers. Like many who don the lone star, Folk should be stabbed through the heart with a sharp-edged instrument of some sort. You have to want to win in December to actually pull it off. Wade Phillips hasn’t been unjustifiably criticized for the ‘Boys’ failures. He should be slammed more. The guy has one division title in eight years and ZERO playoff wins.

Break Out The Iron Maiden

It’s been a rough month for the maiden. For some reason, the ungodly painful torture of being impaled by cold, metal spikes isn’t rendering the desired results. I was thinking of putting the device in storage, but it’s playoff time. There are still a few big names who need extra motivation to get their sorry asses in gear. So, this week I’m a gonna lock up Maurice Jones-Drew. The best hyphenated name in the game? Say it ain’t so. Well, it is so. MJD has only two touchdowns in his last four games and hasn’t topped 100 yards rushing since week 10. It’s go time, Pocket Hercules. Those who rent you on their fake teams need one of them 175 yard, three TD outings. The maiden is due.

Classic SNL Skit That Shits On Kickers

The quality is poor, but who doesn’t remember this wondrous piece of comedy? We. Kick. Ball. Sums up the ridiculousness of footies like nothing else can.

Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “My Culture” by Maxi Jazz and Robbie Williams

Back in 2002, a couple ambitious fellas named Jamie Catto and Duncan Bridgeman created a concept media project called 1 Giant Leap. Their goal was to promote “unity through diversity” by involving artists, musicians and actors from across the globe. The above song encapsulates their message perfectly. I would classify it as old fashioned hip hop. You know, the kind with more substance than style.

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Sayonara week 14. Sadly, we are nearing the end of another fantasy season. My chick is jumping for joy, which means quality together time on Sunday afternoons can’t be far off. Ugh. Anyone know a good hitman?

Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.