The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Once Again, I Got Robbed
Time has named Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke its Person of the Year for 2009. “He’s shy,” notes the magazine’s profile. “He doesn’t do the D.C. dinner-party circuit; he prefers to eat at home with his wife, who still makes him do the dishes and take out the trash. Then they do crosswords or read. Because Ben Bernanke is a nerd. He just happens to be the most powerful nerd on the planet.” Suck my pocket protector, Alpha Betas.
2. Charissa Thompson Would Still Kill to be Her
Poor harried Erin Andrews was in attendance yesterday as her confessed videotape stalker Michael David Barrett pleaded guilty. In a statement to the judge, Andrews said she suffers from nightmares and paranoia, and is subjected to vicious heckling by non-evolved fans while working at sporting events. The good news is, ever since she became damaged goods, Lee Corso stopped calling her in the middle of the night to tell her all about his beach house in Fiji.
3. Today in Mathematical Certainties: Other Athletes Becoming Tied to Tiger’s Mistresses
RadarOnline has unearthed a picture of Charles Barkley with confirmed Tigerette Jamie Jungers. They’re not doing anything in the picture, but, because she’s one of Tiger’s mistresses, and Chuck is Chuck, I am obligated to insinuate that they had sex.
4. Pope Turns His Back on Irrationality, Sides With Al Gore
Pope Benedict, in a statement to all of humanity (yes, even you Sarah Palin), called upon the developed nations of the world to stop ruining God’s green earth with their vile carbon emissions and other pollutants. In the same statement, the Pontiff also implored rich countries to give up their evil consumerism and return to the simple ways of the past. You know, witch-burning and believing the sun goes around the earth. That good stuff.
5. Toothpick Technology, Much Like Mustache Grooming, Has Gone Backward Since the 1800s
An anonymous buyer paid nearly $10,000 at auction to acquire a toothpick that once belonged to Charles Dickens. The toothpick, far from being one of today’s mere disposable wooden implements, has a fancy gold pointy end and an ivory handle engraved with the famed Tale of Two Cities author’s name. The next time you feel guilty about the tree that had to die so you could dislodge the crud from between your teeth, imagine that, instead of a tree, it was a gold-mining slave and an elephant.
6. As Far Back as I Can Remember, I’ve Always Wanted to be a Pathetic Old Drunken Stoolie
Ex-mobster and no-longer-protected FBI informant Henry Hill, the man made famous by Martin Scorsese’s classic movie Goodfellas, found himself back in jail Sunday after getting into a drunken scuffle at a hotel in Fairview Heights, Illinois. I wonder how the noodles and ketchup are there at the jail in Fairview Heights.
7. Shut Up, Commies
Faculty members at the University of Texas have risen up in vociferous outrage against the $2 million raise the school just gave head football coach Mack Brown. These people realize they live in Texas right? Where football is a religion, and learning is for pinheads who like getting duct-taped to fenceposts and pelted with beer bottles?
8. What’s Worse Than Bill Walton Rapping? How About Toby Keith and Will Smith Profaning The Sugarhill Gang? I’m all for the races coming together, but not like this.
9. Beats the Old Driving-Over-the-Train-Tracks Method
Chilean Olympic weightlifter Elizabeth Poblete got a little surprise while training at a gym in her adopted home country of Brazil earlier this month: a baby. Apparently, Poblete had been pregnant for six months without realizing it, and while squatting…well, you can imagine the rest. Or maybe you don’t want to.
10. Today in Crap the World Doesn’t Need: Motorcycle With Rocket Launchers (via: TechEBlog)
Further Reading:
Top 10 Sports Villains of the Decade
Waiting for Godunk: I’m Tall, I Get it
Is DeSean Jackson MVP Material?
Chicago Loses Top MMA Promotion
J.P. Losman is Latest Bust in the Bay
Shannon Brown’s Fast Break Jam
1o Biggest Assholes of the Decade
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
