The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Evidently, John Ritter’s Creepy Brother is Now the GM of the Redskins
The Washington Redskins have a new general manager, Bruce Allen, who takes over for the recently-departed Vinny Cerrato (and by “recently” I mean about five minutes ago). Allen’s first task? Pretending to evaluate Jim Zorn for the rest of the season, to make it look like the organization didn’t already have its mind made up to can him. Head coaching candidates for next season could include Jon Gruden, whose departure from MNF would be devastating news for fans of scratchy movies of him in gay shorts playing catch with Brett Favre.
2. Cause the Tiger Woods Saga Didn’t Have Enough Bimbos
Tabloid buffoons have managed to drag poor Jessica Simpson into the Tiger Woods mess, by “reporting” that the busty karaoke singer exchanged texts with Tiger after flirting with him at a golf tournament. A sure sign that the Tiger story is running out of steam: people are attempting to draw connections between him and random famous floozies. He’ll be linked to at least one Kardashian by the end of the day.
3. When They Say “War on Drugs” in Mexico, They Mean “War on Drugs”
Arturo Beltran Leyva, the “boss of bosses” among Mexican drug kingpins, is dead after a two-hour gun battle with Mexican Navy marines. Reports say the Marines rappelled from helicopters onto the roof of Leyva’s apartment building at dusk and commenced fucking the place up with grenades and machine gun fire until pretty much everyone was dead, including one guy who jumped from a window. Pretty awesome. Too bad it won’t put so much as a dent in the illegal drug trade.
4. Somebody Get Joseph a Tantric Sex Guide
Christians in New Zealand are angry about a billboard depicting Joseph and Mary looking unhappy in bed, with the caption, “Poor Joseph. God was a hard act to follow.” No, the billboard was not erected by snarky atheists; it was actually put up by a local Anglican church which claims it was trying to stir conversation about the meaning of Christmas. All it stirred was conversation about the best ways to vandalize an Anglican church.
5. Tennessee, the Land of Drunken Four-Year-Old Cross-Dressing Kleptomaniacs
Hayden Wright is the world’s most famous beer-swilling four-year-old drag-queen, after cops found him wandering the streets of Chattanooga at 1 in the morning drunk on beer and wearing a dress he stole from under a neighbor’s Christmas tree. Adding a heartwarming family touch to the story is Hayden’s mommy’s quote about why he broke out of the house in the middle of the night: “He runs away trying to find his father. He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.” Of course.
6. Nerd Warfare: It’s On, Bitches
The US military is concerned about the future effectiveness of drone aircraft missions after some Iraqi geeks used software purchased off the web for 30 bucks to intercept the video feed coming off an unmanned Predator. Because the US is the US, it will try to solve this problem by illegally breaking into everyone’s computer to see who has this software, then throwing all of them into jail where they will sit without being charged for years, getting angrier and angrier. While the people who actually did the hacking run around free because no one can find them.
7. Sorry Bucks, But, You’re Still the Bucks, and I’m Still Kobe Bryant (via: Bareknucks.com)
8. Monkeys Move Beyond Poop-Throwing, World Trembles
Chinese martial arts expert Lu Wung thought it would be hilarious, not to mention profitable, to teach some monkeys taekwondo and take them out on tour. Everything went fine, until the monkeys turned on Lu Wung during a show and beat the hell out of him. One monkey even got hold of Lu Wung’s fighting stick and hit him over the head. Amazingly, it gets weirder: After Lu Wung finally used his human guile and a rope to subdue the unruly primates, the battered trainer tied their hands and forced them to kneel “to punish them and make them show remorse for their nasty attack.” And people told me my plan to train an army of ninja monkeys and conquer the world was insane. Well what do you think of it now haters?
9. Electric Whips?
10. Don Chavez Makes Fun of Tori Spelling
Cause that’s what Don Chavez does.
Further Reading:
OMG Responsible Sportswriting LOLZ
Cris Cyborg Might Pose for Playboy
7 Awesome Songs from Fight Scenes
SLR Podcast: Tiger Woods, Lions/Ravens
Naturally Ronaldinho is the Best
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
