The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. 10 Things I Learned from Week 15 of the NFL
1. It’s Brett Favre’s world. Brad Childress is only living in it.
2. Michael Turner likes his ankle and would prefer teams not try to injure it on purpose.
3. Ben Roethlisberger and Y.A. Tittle now have more in common than just names that are hard to remember how to spell.
4. JaMarcus Russell may suck like nobody’s business, but he’s still better than fricking J.P. Losman.
5. No wonder Randy Moss always looks listless and out-of-sorts during games. He’s tired from holding the earth on his shoulders.
6. I guess that late-season Jay Cutler turnaround isn’t coming.
7. The Cowboys playoff train is ready to leave the station, and Nick Folk is standing on the platform waiting for someone to toss him his luggage and possibly cab fare.
8. There’s this guy named Jerome Harrison who plays for the Browns, who has now rushed for more yards in a single day than anyone who ever played for the Browns, including that guy who was in The Dirty Dozen.
9. The Eagles losing Michael Vick is like the Duke family losing Vance. It’s like Antonio Alfonseca losing one of his extra fingers. It’s like Europe losing Luxembourg. It’s like the Rolling Stones losing Ron Wood. I think the Eagles will be able to muddle through, is what I’m saying.
10. Terrell Owens is looking forward to his future as a wide receiver for someone other than the Bills. The feeling is mutual, I’m sure.
2. And He Never Even Played in the NBA
Thanks to Dan LeBatard, the world now knows that Dennis Rodman’s father was named Philander, and that Dennis has 26 siblings of at least the half-sibling variety. The next mystery I’d like cleared up: what exactly is that oily substance LeBatard secretes when the TV lights shine on his skin?
3. Asthon Kutcher isn’t the Only One Who Abuses Twitter
Magic star Dwight Howard is suing his ex to keep her from posting pictures of their son Braylon on Twitter. I wish I could sue someone to stop them from putting Stan Van Gundy on TV. Then maybe the nightmares would go away.
4. I Thought That Kind of Stuff Only Happened in the Lingerie Football League (via Awful Announcing)
Embarrassing pant-loss episodes…they’re not just for gym class anymore.
5. How Does the Church Feel About Dine-and-Dash? Driving Off Without Paying for Gas? Liquor Store Hold-Ups?
A priest in England is under fire after telling the destitute members of his congregation that it’s okay for them to resort to shoplifting. In related news, Winona Ryder just joined the Church of England. (You can have that one for free Conan)
6. I Apologize to Tila Tequila. She is Good for Something After All.
Tila Tequila announced on Twitter that she is pregnant. Thankfully for the child, Tila does not plan on raising it herself, but is acting as a surrogate for her brother and his wife. Please God, tell me her brother didn’t donate the sperm.
7. One Thing You Won’t See on the Streets of Laredo: A Bookstore
Residents of Laredo, Texas, population 176,576, will soon have to drive 150 miles to San Antonio if they want to buy a book, unless someone figures out a way to keep the city’s only bookstore from closing its doors. I know, I was shocked too: they have books in Texas?
8. Betty Draper Did Not Fly Off into the Sunset
Mad Men creator Matt Weiner revealed in an interview that January Jones‘ contract has been renewed, shooting down all those rumors that Betty Draper would no longer be a part of the Mad Men universe. No word yet on whether January’s riding pants have also been re-upped. But I’m hopeful.
9. She’s Waiting for the Bimbometer to Hit 20. Then She’s Gone. Probably.
Sources close to Elin Nordegren say she still hasn’t made up her mind whether to leave husband Tiger Woods. Tiger would like to know how many hos he has to screw before the dumb broad gets the hint that he would prefer her to pack up her stuff and go back to Lappland or wherever the hell she’s from.
10. I Found Someone More Evil Than Those People from Jersey Shore
Workers at an Orlando daycare center were left with an indelible impression of the depths to which the human soul can sink when they arrived at work Friday morning to discover someone had stolen all their Christmas stuff, including the tree, the presents they had for the kids and the turkey. Hey, doesn’t Tiger live down there? Here’s a chance at redemption Eldrick. Don’t mess it up.
Further Reading:
Jerome Harrison: Underwhelming to Undrafted Fantasy Keeper
The Decade’s 10 Worst Sports Media Personnel Moves
The Perfect Gift for the Family Drunk
Pete Vuckovich MLB HOF Mustache
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
