(Fantasy Football Fiasco is your be-all end-all review of the week that was in fantasy football. Oh, and a bunch of crap that has nothing to do with fantasy football.)
Playoffs! Yes, Jim Mora, I’m going to talk about the playoffs. Well, the fantasy playoffs anyway. Maybe you’re like me and lost in the semi-finals because the stupid Cardinals turned it over seven times last Monday night. Or perhaps you’re like my pal Sean, who started the Browns D/ST and Mike Wallace on Sunday and won by 45 points. Asshole.
Whatever the case, the fake team postseason is in full swing. Many a fantasy nerd is crossing fingers, knocking on wood and praying to Jobu to help them capture artificial glory. They are sweating worse than a serial killer during a police interview whether or not Peyton and Reggie and Dallas will be rested. They are scrambling worse than Tiger Woods after Elin found his cell phone to acquire last minute waiver wire claims that will improve their odds at winning the prize.
It’s the silly season, after all, so undue amounts of stress and borderline insane behavior is pretty much par for the course. Nobody knows this better than one of my favorite Christmas flick characters, Detective Martin Riggs:
Crazy or not, Riggs understood the best method to deal with holiday depression was to shoot drug dealers and flirt with suicide.
Week 15 Ninjas
The Roethlisberger 500 – If you were fortunate enough to own any of the participants in the Steelers-Packers aerial bombardment, count yourself charmed. Especially if that player was Big Ben Roethlisberger. The two-time Super Bowl champ with awful taste in women eviscerated the Pack secondary to the tune of 503 yards and three touchdowns, on only 29 completions. That averages out to a gaudy 17.3 yards per catch. I don’t give a hoot if you like Ben or not, you gotta give it up to the dude for dealing five bills to a pro defense.
One man gang – Jamaal Charles continues to take advantage of woman-beating douchebag Larry Johnson’s exodus from Kansas City. He dropped 179 total yards and a touch against the mistake by the lakes. Nice. Charles is improving his draft stock by the week. Right now I’d pencil him in as a late second round back next summer. Which means he’ll end up being dumpster juice when I select him.
Bad motherfu**er – Apologies to Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne and Larry Fitzgerald, but Andre Johnson is the best wide receiver in football. He’s caught 20 balls and posted 389 yards his last two games. Sadly, he balls for the painfully mediocre Texans, thus he will never be lauded with the pub he so rightfully deserves.
Best Harrison Since William Henry
If you started Jerome Harrison on Sunday, congratulations. You are either the luckiest prick in the history of man, or you traveled 24 hours into the future Saturday night via your DeLorean time machine. 286 yards and three scores? In one game? Unbelievable. Harrison might not run for 286 yards the rest of his career, but for one day he was King Shit. Too bad he’s still a Brown, which means he’s destined to blow out a knee or be buried on the depth chart by an incompetent head coach.
The Best Bush Since Billy
The Raiders are kicking themselves for a lot of things these days. Like wasting the number one overall pick on rotund JaMarcus Russell and naming temperamental Tom Cable head coach. Well, it might be time to add investing a number four overall pick on oft-injured Darren McFadden. Justin Fargas and now Michael Bush have both outperformed McFadden the last two years. In upsetting the reeling Broncos, Bush rumbled for 133 yards and a trip six. Something tells me the Raiders would be better off skipping the first round of the draft. Either that or hire someone to smother Cryptkeeper Al Davis with a pillow.
Best Moore Since Thomas
Some guy named Matt Moore tossed for 299 yards and three touchdowns against the Vikings. I have no idea who Matt Moore is, but he did what Jake Delhomme has been unable to do all season: He threw the ball to Steve Smith again and again. This Moore fella must be smart or something because he’s the only one to conclude that feeding Smitty makes the Panthers a decent team.
Week 15 Dandies
Golden Boy is tarnished – Tom Brady had another fantasy flop versus the Bills: 115 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT. Awful. To me, Tom and the rest of the Pats look bored. They kinda sorta go through the motions most weeks. The days of 30-40 point Sundays are a thing of the past. Maybe the offense just can’t dominate without stealing the opposition’s defensive signals. Might be time to bust out the video equipment, eh Belichick?
Saintly swoon – Mike Bell and Pierre Thomas combined to rush for 28 yards on ten carries in losing their first game of the season. I speak from experience when I say that there is nothing more infuriating to an owner than when a juggernaut offense takes a steaming dump during the fantasy playoffs. You know it’s bad when backup tight end Dave Thomas leads the team with eight catches. That’s right, a guy with the same moniker as the old bastard from the Wendy’s commercials.
The Revis factor – Much to the chagrin of Roddy White owners, the Falcons’ stud wideout ran into the best shutdown corner in the game on Sunday. Darrelle Revis limited White to four grabs for 33 yards. As someone who had to endure seeing three of my receivers blanketed by Revis in ‘09, I’m seriously considering avoiding all AFC East pass catchers in the future.
Worst Smith Since Captain John
Alex Smith was beginning to become a reliable fantasy starter the last few weeks. Unfortunately, he reverted back to his horrid spaz-like ways versus the Eagles. 177 yards and three picks is the kind of outing that labeled Smith a major bust. Until he proves he can beat quality defenses on the road, you’d be best served keeping Smith affixed on your bench. There’s a decent chance Mike Singletary might murder him during a game.
Worst Turner Since Ike
Michael Turner lasted one play before tweaking his sprained ankle. One carry for seven yards. Ugh. I’m sure all those who slid Turner back into their starting lineup are feeling very ill indeed. Nothing stings like a big fat 0 in the points column. Except maybe a bitch-slap from Ike.
Worst Owens Since Billy
Terrell Owens is closing out one of the most unproductive seasons of his career. Two catches for 20 yards was the latest stinker hung up by Mr. Me. Incredibly, he has yet to point the finger of blame at anyone for his poor 2009 campaign. However, since his arrival, the coach has been canned and the starting quarterback demoted. Coincidence? Hmm…
Break Out The Iron Maiden
It was a banner week for the maiden. The best hyphenated name in the game, Maurice Jones-Drew, was in need of a monster game. A couple days inside everyone’s favorite medieval torture device provided the necessary motivation as MJD racked 140 total yards and two scores. Well, the maiden isn’t done bloodletting just yet. Marques Colston has had a good year, but hasn’t recorded a multiple touchdown outing since week 2. I’m of a notion that a few spikes to the abdominal area will be able to coax a dominating performance from Marques. Lock ‘em up!
The Only Xmas Song I Really Like – “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love
Darlene Love has been appearing on David Letterman’s late night program at Christmas for close to twenty-five years. I recall first seeing her perform in the early ’90s. If you lack holiday spirit for whatever reason, give this tune a listen. It’s guaranteed to brighten your mood. On a side note, Darlene Love also appeared in the aforementioned Lethal Weapon, playing Trish Murtaugh.
An Ode to Uncle Eddie
“Shitter was full.” I dunno about you, but that line sums up Christmas at my house every year.
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From everyone here at the Fiasco, have yourself a Merry little Christmas. Whatever you do, don’t shoot your eye out.
Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger at Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.
