The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. I Don’t Think He’s Going to be Able to Walk That One Off
Add Texas A&M’s Derrick Roland to the list of athletes who’ve gruesomely snapped a limb on-camera. He’s lucky he’s not a horse or he’d be at the rendering plant by now.
2. It’s About Time Pro Athletes Got Their Fair Share of Paparazzi Harassment
Famed celebrity gossip shithole TMZ is launching its own sports site, which will bear the uber-creative name “TMZ Sports.” The new site is expected to focus on athlete legal problems, moral lapses and general embarrassments. Oh, and pictures of their girlfriends in bikinis. In other words, it will be SportsByBrooks with a budget. And a modicum of journalistic credibility.
3. When Was She Planning on Telling the Rest of Us?
LPGA golfer Helen Alfredsson, who is Swedish like Elin Nordegren but not nearly as hot, says she has known about Tiger Woods‘ infidelities since last summer’s British Open. So, Helen Alfredsson has some great sources, apparently. Either that or she can see the future, in which case, she needs to be immediately kidnapped for use in an ethically dubious crime fighting plan.
4. Thank You for the Touching Tribute. Now Pay Me My Money, Suckas.
Chicago grocery chains Jewel and Dominick’s thought it would be cool to pay tribute to Michael Jordan in ads they bought in a recent SI special issue commemorating the basketball great’s induction into the Hall-of-Fame. Unfortunately, when Michael’s people discovered the ads used Michael’s name and an image of a shoe suspiciously similar to an Air Jordan, they saw not a touching salute but an opportunity for a lawsuit. Welcome to the “Michael Jordan Will Never Forget the Way You Fucked Him” list, Jewel and Dominick’s.
5. More Proof That Crowd Shots are a Plague Worse than the Black Death Ever Thought of Being
Annoying little pinheaded kid flips off the camera during a Villanova/Fordham basketball game; dad isn’t amused. So much less adorable than the little girl throwing the ball back, mostly because it ends in borderline child abuse.
6. Did You Know You Have a Knife in Your Chest? Oh, Okay. So That’ll be Decaff?
Folks enjoying a warming cup o’ joe at Bray’s Diner in chilly Hazel Park, Michigan Sunday night were treated to a rare spectacle: a man walking in and ordering coffee with a 5-inch knife sticking from his chest. Cops say the man called 911 at a payphone, said he’d gotten stabbed during a robbery and informed them he would wait for the ambulance inside the diner where it was warm. It sounds like the set-up for an SNL bit, doesn’t it? “Mr. Doesn’t Care That He Has a Knife in His Chest.” It’s no funnier here than it would be on SNL.
7. Now You Can Both Titillate and Piss Off Glenn Beck…Simultaneously
A Danish company has invented a dress that changes color in response to carbon dioxide levels in the air, and branded it the “Climate Dress” (because calling it the Al Gore would’ve brought up all sorts of legal issues). It’s the perfect gift for the woman who has everything except a dress that both flatters her hips and tells the world you won’t be fucking her unless you own a Prius.
8. A Sneak Peak at the Crap You’ll be Getting Dragged to Next Summer Whether You Like it Or Not
They’ll keep churning out these movies until they morph into Golden Girls in Manhattan.
9. Happy Birthday to the Anti-Lance Armstrong
Someone, somewhere cared enough about three-time Tour de France last-place finisher Wim Vansevenant to wish him a happy birthday. I personally think he finished last three times on purpose, just so he could be sort of famous.
10. Coming Soon to a Corny Kay Jewelers Commercial Near You…
Jeff Fisher and Vince Young shared an on-field snuggle during Tennessee’s weekend win. I think it’s lovely when men display affection so openly. As long as it ends before TMZ posts shocking photos.
Further Reading:
Waiting for Godunk: On Coaching, the Big Dance and Smelly Frenchmen
Blackhawks Legend Stan Mikita Hit by Identity Theft
The Last Second Holiday Gift Guide
College Football Hit of the Year
Rampage Jackson and the A-Team Comic Book
Firing a Head Coach – A Bulls Christmas Eve Tradition
Recent Tweets You May Have Missed: Vinny Del Negro, Jimmie Johnson, Jamie-Lynn Sigler
Fantasy Football Fiasco – Week 15
10 Collegians on US Roster for World Juniors
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
