The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Week 16 NFL Headlines
Vernon Davis Goes into Stands, Returns With Strange Woman’s Phone Number
A Senior Moment: Missed Field Goal Sends Tom Benson into Unfortunate Celebratory Frenzy
Packers and Seahawks Re-Enact Jon Gosselin Apartment Ransacking; Seahawks Play Apartment
Egg-Laying Ceremony Marks Final Giants Game at Venerable Stadium
Boozy Foreigner Boots 61-Yard Field Goal; Glenn Beck Probably Outraged
Colts to World: “Undefeated Schmundefeated”
The AFC Playoff Picture: Like a Season of Lost Only More Absurdly Convoluted
2. JFK Enjoyed Being JFK. Until That Whole Getting Shot in the Head Thing. Then He Probably Wished He Was Teddy.
A photograph has surfaced that appears to show a pre-presidential John F. Kennedy lounging on a boat full of naked babes while on vacation in the Mediterranean. The ick angle comes in when we learn that, at the same time Kennedy was allegedly enjoying this frolic, wife Jackie was in the hospital giving birth to a stillborn child. The confusing, over-the-top, full-of-shit Oliver Stone movie based on the photograph is slated for release some time in 2014.
3. Florida Will Miss You, Urban Meyer. When You Finally Decide to Leave.
Urban Meyer shocked the sports world on Saturday when he announced that he was being forced out of his Florida Gators head coaching job by a serious health problem. A day later, Meyer slightly irritated the very same sports world by revealing that he had changed his mind about the severity of his condition and planned on returning to the sidelines after a leave of absence. No Urban…you’re supposed to collect a bunch of retirement gifts then flip-flop. Did you learn nothing from Michael Jordan?
4. Gravity Goes All Ron Artest on Ron Artest
Lakers star Ron Artest will miss Monday night’s game after suffering a concussion at his home. This is not a very funny story until you add in one little detail: that Artest got the concussion because he tripped over a box and fell down some stairs. Now it’s hilarious, right?
5. Tyra Banks, Still Copying Oprah
Daytime TV hostess Tyra Banks has announced that she is ending her show after the current season. For her final episode, she will berate her interns one last time, and present a special gift to the lady who kept her hair looking so shiny these last five years. All while unsuccessfully feigning sincerity.
6. Was He Wearing Hanes Comfort Cool Boxer Briefs When He Did it?
Charlie Sheen’s wife Brooke Mueller claims the actor threatened her with a knife during the Christmas day domestic dispute that ended with Charlie getting chucked in jail. Who would’ve thought a man who was once married to Denise Richards could be capable of violence?
7. Dead Man Still Walking
The Chicago Bulls plan on firing embattled coach Vinny Del Negro…as soon as they find someone willing to take his place. Forget about Doug Collins, who would rather coach a rugby team composed entirely of unfed chimpanzees. If the Bulls had any sense of humor at all they’d let Joakim Noah be the player-coach.
8. Someone Stole the Butt-Covering Part from Rihanna’s Bathing Suit
9. Down Goes the Lake Champlain Bridge. Down Goes the Lake Champlain Bridge.
Who doesn’t like video of giant stuff being destroyed? Besides you, Party-Pooper Bill.
10. Where Are They Now: Matti Nykanen
Where is four-time Olympic ski jumping champion Matti Nykanen? He’s sitting in a jail in Finland after being arrested for attempting to kill his wife on Christmas Day. “You know how much I hate egg nog! Plus I’m Finnish so I’m pissed off all the time anyway. Take that and that and that!”
Further Reading:
Can You Find 10 Bears You Really Want to Keep?
Why Mike Holmgren Will Fail in Cleveland
Ana Ivanovic, Fake Rocks, Over-Stimulated Seal
2009’s Most Unforgettable Sports Moments
Apparently Baseball is a Business
Eagle Eye Observations: Week 16
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
