(Fantasy Football Fiasco is your be-all end-all review of the week that was in fantasy football. Oh, and a bunch of crap that has nothing to do with fantasy football.)
An end to the NFL regular season brings with it the demise of another fantasy campaign. You are either basking in the glow of championship domination, or wallowing in a tepid pool of misery as you retrace the countless missteps you made along the tumultuous road that was 2009.
Whichever category you fall into, you will undoubtedly be praising those athletically gifted gents who made weekly lineup decisions much less tasking, or cursing the names of those overpaid corpses who ruined your chances at capturing fake glory.
Now is the time here at the Fiasco when we hand out seasonal awards. The best of the best and the worst of the worst are all subject to our all-knowing, all-seeing eye. Nothing escapes our gaze, kinda like that creepy “Eye of Sauron” from The Lord of the Rings:
So, without further ado, let us pay tribute to those who shined and those who shat during the 2009 season.
The All-Ninja Team
QB – Aaron Rodgers – What, no Drew Brees? That’s right. Rodgers was consistently productive every week with 30 touchdown passes to just seven interceptions. In one my leagues, he recorded double-digit points in all his starts. Not even Brees or Peyton accomplished that. In addition, he led all quarterbacks with 316 rushing yards and chipped in five scores. Rodgers has definitely entered elite status. Even his beard has reached elite status.
RB1 – Chris Johnson – Not only is he the best running back in football, he’s also the best fantasy player period. Over 2500 total yards and 16 trips for six. Incredibly, the majority of his damage was done in the final ten games. He will assuredly supplant Adrian Peterson as the overall number one selection in drafts next summer. Never mind. He’s going to skip the season crying poverty.
RB2 – Maurice Jones-Drew – The best hyphenated name in the game edges out AP because despite being the entire focal point of the Jaguars offense, he still managed to yield solid results on Sundays. Some thought he might not be able to carry the full-time load, but 1700 total yards and 16 scores is proof to the contrary. He does need to attend the Deion Sanders School of Touchdown Celebrations. That “Prada Store” ditty is ridiculous.
WR1 – Andre Johnson – All Andre needs to do is find the end zone a little more often and he will be the consensus best receiver in the game. He’s big, fast and catches everything in sight. Playing in Houston hasn’t helped his star power, but like Reggie Wayne, he just goes about his business minus the prima donna attitude. On second thought, he should start behaving like a raging prick. That will definitely improve his credibility.
WR2 – DeSean Jackson – Wow, this dynamo got really good, really fast. I anticipated an uptick in his production this season, but nowhere near the big play ability he displayed. Eight touchdowns over 50 yards and twelve in all is mighty impressive. Like Chris Johnson, Jackson is a threat to score every time he touches the ball. Too bad his quarterback can’t piss in the ocean without missing the water.
WR3 – Vincent Jackson – Perhaps a mild surprise, but V-Jax has turned himself into quite the go-to player on one of the league’s most potent offensive attacks. He set career highs in catches, yards and touchdowns in ‘09 and is a big reason why the Chargers are a legit Super Bowl contender. Unfortunately, Norv Turner is his head coach, which means crushing disappointment can’t be far off.
TE – Vernon Davis – Who saw this coming? He more than doubled his receptions from a year ago and his thirteen sixers tied an NFL record for tight ends. Apparently, Mike Singletary’s questioning of his manhood struck a nerve. I’m certain Michael Crabtree is already whispering in his ear that he’s vastly underpaid. Is that a contract squabble I smell? Why, yes it is.
The All-Dandie Team
QB – Jay Cutler – If you were fortunate enough to be in a league that doesn’t penalize for interceptions, then Cutler was serviceable. However, most weren’t afforded such luxury. 26 picks and 27 TDs is not what the Bears faithful had in mind when bad haired Jay strolled into town. Having a million dollar arm and a ten cent head won’t cut it in the pros. Just ask Ryan Leaf.
RB1 – Matt Forte – Yes, another Bear. Forte was the biggest bust in fantasy this year and I would know, because he blighted my roster all season long. Four touchdowns? Was it a product of Cutler’s turnovers and the offensive line’s woeful play, or is Forte destined to walk in the diarrhea-filled shoes of other Chicago flops like Salaam, Enis and Benson?
RB2 – Brandon Jacobs – What an unmitigated disaster this mound of shit turned out to be. Not once did he eclipse 100 yards rushing in a game. His touchdowns slipped from 15 in ‘08 to six in ‘09. Oh, and he pretty much quit on his team in week 16. Safe to say, I’ll never draft this waste of flesh again. Good riddance, fatass.
WR1 – Calvin Johnson – Megatron looked more like Megasuck most of the season. Nagging injuries, horrid quarterback play and constant double teams all contributed to Calvin’s awful numbers. I expect a major bounce back in 2010, which means very little. I predicted a major bounce back for Brian Westbrook this year.
WR2 – Greg Jennings – I recall seeing this dude picked in the first round of some experts’ drafts last summer. Like a dickhead, I bought into the hype and nabbed him late in the second round. It seemed like a safe pick at the time. I expected somewhere between 10-12 scores. He got me four. I hope you trip and fall down a long flight of thick metal stairs, Greg Jennings.
WR3 – Roy Williams - Well, the Cowboys found a more than suitable replacement for Terrell Owens. His name isn’t Roy Williams, though. No, Roy continued to run lazy routes and drop easy catches. In other words, he lived up to his bust status in spades.
TE – Dustin Keller – It was thought that Keller’s numbers would spike because rookie Mark Sanchez would need a safety outlet in the passing game. Didn’t happen. Keller’s stats stayed the same. No reason for him to hang his head. He’s still the most kick ass Keller since Helen.
The All-Wire Team
QB – Alex Smith – Just when you think he’s done for good, the 49ers pull him out of mothballs. Down the stretch, Smitty was money. He set a career high with 18 touchdown passes and did so in just eleven starts. If Michael Crabtree matures next year, Smith could end up a top 10 fantasy quarterback. I can’t believe I just wrote that.
RB1 – Jamaal Charles – What a fu**ing beast this guy turned out to be. 1417 total yards and eight scores in only ten starts. Whoa! I foresee him being a trendy first-round pick this summer. He needs a nickname. Hmm. His initials are JC… I got it. How about Jesus Christ? I like the sound of that. “JC: A savior in KC.”
RB2 – Jerome Harrison – If you were shrewd enough to snatch this guy off the scrap heap a few weeks ago and plug him into your lineup, then you were probably rewarded with a fantasy title. His bizarro world week 15 performance was one for the ages. He’s still a Brown, though. I’d steer clear in drafts.
WR1 – Miles Austin – From third string to Pro Bowl in three months. Not too shabby. Along with DeSean, Miles was the most deadly big play threat in the NFC. His week 5 coming out party versus the Chiefs had the look and feel of a one-week wonder. Looks can be deceiving. I still say his name sounds like that of a polo player.
WR2 – Sidney Rice – The biggest benefactor to Brett Favre’s arrival had to be Rice. He went from barely making the team, to flirting with the Pro Bowl. I seriously doubt the combo of Tavaris/Sage will treat Sidney as kindly should Favre retire, again. Wait a sec. Brett Favre will never retire. He is a GOD and should be worshiped as such.
WR3 – Robert Meachem – This guy single-handedly bailed out one of my fake rosters, twice. Like Sidney, he reached his potential in year number three. However, the fact that Brees likes to spread the ball around hurts his future value. That and the fact that his name rhymes with “peach,” which as we all know is one of wussiest of fruits, albeit a tasty one.
TE – Brent Celek – The third-year tight end broke out in a big, big way in ‘09. Three one hundred yard games and eight touchdowns will catapult him up the preseason rankings. He has the tools to be a great one for years to come. Especially when Donovan McNabb gets traded to the Browns.
The Best of the Rest
Ray Rice – A surefire top 10 pick in 2010. He’s Brian Westbrook without the bad ankle, knee and head.
Rashard Mendenhall – Runs hard and appears to have shaken his fumbling problems.
Cedric Benson – I still can’t believe it’s possible to resurrect a career in Cincinnati. Another driving-a-boat-while-drunk arrest has to be in his future.
Ricky Williams – Who says 32-year-old running backs can’t hack it? Must have been all that pot he smoked back in the day.
Dallas Clark – Man, it must be fun to have Peyton Manning as your quarterback.
Derrick Mason – All he had to do was catch that wide open touchdown versus the Steelers. Oh well. He still can ball at age 35. Maybe the Browns can trade for him.
Matt Schaub – Finally made it threw a full schedule without missing a game. The results? 4770 yards and 29 TDs.
Vince Young – As long as he stops contemplating suicide, he should be pretty decent.
Brett Favre – You had me at the second comeback. Or was it the third? No matter. 33 touchdown tosses and only seven picks is pedestrian for a GOD. He must be saving his best for the Super Bowl.
Song I Can’t Stop Listening To – “Let Me Ride” by Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and Daz
I love me some true old skool rap. The over-produced drivel being pumped out today is downright laughable. I just sounded like a grumpy old man there. Next thing you know I’ll be yelling at the neighborhood skateboarders to get off my driveway.
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Alas, it’s time to close up shop here at the Fiasco. Fear not, I shall return, when the mercury hits 90 and fat men are struggling to breathe at two-a-days. Until then….
Scott Tunstall is the Lead Blogger for Inside the Iggles. You can follow him on Twitter.
