The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. The NBA Will Have to Get Along Without Gilbert Arenas for a Still-to-be-Determined Period
David Stern is not yet ready to decide how harsh Gilbert Arenas‘ punishment should be for the guns thing and the making a joke about how much trouble he was in over the guns thing thing, so Stern has suspended Arenas indefinitely. This gives the Commish plenty of time to choose: flogging, stretching on the rack, waterboarding, Clockwork Orange-style reprogramming or just kicking him out of the league forever. Might I suggest boiling him in oil? It’s novel, plus you get such a nice crispy corpse to hang somewhere as a reminder of why players shouldn’t bring guns into the locker room.
2. Baseball Writers Love Andre Dawson, are Lukewarm Toward Bert Blyleven and Roberto Alomar, Hate Jack Morris and Barry Larkin
Despite a number of solid candidates, the baseball writers decided that only Andre Dawson is worthy of joining the immortals in Cooperstown this year. This guarantees that next summer’s enshrinement ceremony will be a short one. I guess the baseball writers had early dinner reservations or something. Those bastards are drunk on their own power. I mean, just look at Tim Kurkjian. How can you peer into those eyes and not see the soul of a tyrant? I just hope they don’t wait too long on Robby Alomar, cause I’m pretty sure he has AIDS and will die soon.
3. Matt Kemp Tops Our Weekly “Who is Rihanna Fucking Now?” List
Matt Kemp plays for the Dodgers, and he is boning Rihanna. I’m not sure if he’s lucky or just kind of a dirtbag.
4. His First Mistake Was Believing Anything Terrell Owens Says
A fan who says Terrell Owens promised to give him his Bentley if he failed to catch 10 TDs in Buffalo this year is screaming that T.O. has reneged on the deal, which was allegedly arranged via Twitter. T.O.’s reps have responded by saying Owens was only kidding when he put up the car. Well, he got away with it this time, but I wouldn’t try that kind of crap in any card games against guys with Italian last names. That’s how the East River ended up so full of bodies.
5. The Couple Who Got it on in the Cowboys Stadium Bathroom Thinks This is Hilarious
The head writer for the Eagles‘ official website thought it would be funny to film himself spitting on the big blue star in the middle of the Cowboys Stadium field before last weekend’s Dallas/Philly game. You know who didn’t think it was funny? Almost anyone else.
6. If it Was Minnesota, They’d Call it a Schism
Josh Cribbs thinks he should get fat new contract for being the only good player on the Cleveland Browns, but his new boss Mike Holmgren evidently disagrees. This made Josh so mad that he went straight to Twitter and started whining. Then he realized what a jerk he was being and decided to leave it in God’s hands. So now God has to decide how much money Josh Cribbs should get, as if God didn’t already have enough to worry about, with the climate change and the comets and Glenn Beck drunk-dialing him in the middle of the night. Selfish humans.
7. There’s Nothing Easier Than Following a Loser
The Washington Redskins have made Mike Shanahan their head coach and VP of football operations, and will pay the two-time Super Bowl winner $7 million a year for the privilege. Shanahan’s first move: shrinking his feet to Ken-doll size, so they’ll fill Jim Zorn’s shoes. Hope he enjoys having dinner with Daniel Snyder every night for the next seven years.
8. I Could See Albert Belle Doing This
L.A. police are seeking a man in his late ’20s who was caught on video using a bicycle to perpetrate a drive-by mugging of a five-year-old. He’s in his twenties, he rides a bike and he robs five-year-olds? Ladies and gentleman, I believe I have identified the world’s biggest loser. When they catch him they should duct-tape him to a post and let people throw feces at him.
9. Who the Hell Stabs Themselves?
Fat comedian Artie Lange was found full of knife wounds by his mother on Saturday, after she went to his Hoboken apartment to bring him a truckload of food. Joe Buck was momentarily suspected, but it was quickly determined that Lange had stabbed himself. Apparently, he got incredibly wasted and mistook his own body for a pork chop. A really huge, sweaty, hairy, undercooked pork chop.
10. Random Johnny Carson Clip in the 10 Slot
Carson brings out the big guns: Mel Blanc and Jack Benny
Further Reading:
Ladies Choice: 11 Sexiest MMA Fighters
Barack Obonga: 12 (Fake) Photos of Obama With Weed
I’m Shopping Hinrich Again (Bulls Rumor Mill Starts Anew)
15 Funniest Scenes in Dumb and Dumber
John Herrera: No-Talent Ass Clown
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
