The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  There’s Only One Way to Solve This:  A Tiger Woods Joke-Off

What oh what will NBC do about Jay Leno now that they have decided to axe his low-rated 10 PM talk show?  Will the network release Leno from his contract, allowing him to bolt for rival FOX?  Will they tell Conan O’Brien to take a hike and give Jay back his Tonight Show gig?  Will they carve out a new half-hour time slot for Leno and move Conan back to 12 o’clock?  Will they shock everyone by firing both Leno and O’Brien and giving the Tonight Show to Bonnie Hunt?  How much fun will David Letterman have mocking the chaos at the network that once snubbed him?

2.  When a Garrett Comes in for a Colt, You Know You’re in Trouble

The complexion of Thursday’s National Championship Game changed completely when Texas QB Colt McCoy was injured on a running play and had to exit the game, forcing Mack Brown to play untested back-up Garrett Gilbert against Alabama and their fearsome defense.  Does it get you hot when I use sports journalist terms like “the complexion of blah blah blah changed completely”?

3.  He’s Mad Because They Ruined His Shirt.  Hey, it Was a Nice Shirt.  And He Only Has 2,000 Others Just Like it.

Nick Saban’s world is nothing but blackness and misery, even when he’s just been doused with Gatorade by his jubilant players in the wake of defeating Texas for the national championship.

4.  Where’s Baron von Raschke When You Need Him?

A doof in a Mexican wrestler outfit ran onto the field during the National Title Game, but you missed it, cause the spoil-sports on ABC decided not to air it.  Yet they’re willing to put Lee Corso on the air even though he’s this close to forgetting who he is?

5.   Tebow Would’ve Ripped the Hurt Arm Off, Glued on a Robot Arm and Run Back Out.  Cause He’s Not a Pansy Like Colt.

Colt’s cute and his post-game interview was quite poignant.  But come on.  You gotta just suck it up and go back out.  The gamblers are counting on you.

6.  James Carville’s Penis Enters the Airport Security Debate

Democratic pitbull James Carville’s take on airport security:  “Let me buy a [security] pass … so that they can scan me and and search me and measure my penis, then let me get on the plane.”  As if the lines didn’t move slowly enough at airports, now we have to wait while they take a ruler to everyone’s schlong?  My God, could you imagine being stuck behind Visanthe Shiancoe?  “We’re gonna need the extra-long tape measure Roy. The one we used on the anaconda that time.  And tell everyone to put on their hard-hats.”

7.  Eric Mangini is Not Fired.  Even Though He is an Asshat.

Mike Holmgren looked over his new team in Cleveland and decided Eric Mangini is good enough to run it until he can find someone who doesn’t suck.  That’s exactly how he explained it to Mangini too.  But Mangini is used to being belittled, having spent years pressing Bill Belichick’s shirts.

8.  If Anyone Would Know What an Unmade Bed Looks Like, it Would be Sharon Stone

Sharon Stone was apparently trying to say something nice about Meryl Streep when she made the following remark to Tatler Magazine:  “I think that’s why Meryl Streep is working so much, because she looks like a woman we can all relate to.  I look at her and I think, ‘I’m chasing my kids, I’ve moved my parents in with me, I’m coping with food spills – that looks like me in real life’.  Meryl looks like an unmade bed, and that’s what I look like. To me, that looks true.”  Is Sharon just jealous cause Meryl gets an Oscar nomination every time she exhales while Sharon is ignored for tackling challenging material like Basic Instinct 2?  On an unrelated note:  Sharon Stone was so hot in Total Recall.

9. I Still Say They Made a Mistake Getting Rid of Paula.  She Was Must-Cringe-Away-From TV.

American Idol is coming back.  To get you in the mood, Hail Mary Jane offers up the 10 Funniest American Idol Auditions of All-Time.  Go for the William Hung video, stay for the marijuana talk.

10.  Dang, Alicia Keys…

Charles Barkley is hosting Saturday Night Live this week, with musical guest Alicia Keys.  I know because I watched these promo vids.

Further Reading:

Texas Steals a Play from The Waterboy

Why Chris Bosh Should Choose the Bulls

Tiger Woods Movie in the Works

Boo-Ray, The Card Game that Crittenton and Arenas Were Involved With…

Great Moments in Unlicensed Pittsburgh Sports Merchandise

Stop the Ticketmaster Merger Monopoly

A Gynecologist’s Take on Cowboys/Eagles

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.