The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. You Know What Sucked Worse Than Charles Barkley on Saturday Night Live? The Defense in the Arizona-Green Bay Game.
After three mind-numbingly boring playoff games, the Cardinals and Packers finally gave NFL fans a barn-burner. Those who appreciate good defense and competent officiating were probably appalled, but screw them. I’ve personally always thought that covering receivers and calling obvious penalties are overrated. I like guys running wide-open on every play, and if I had my way, helmet-to-helmet hits and blatant facemasks would not only be legal, but actually encouraged.
2. You Know Who Else Sucked Worse Than Charles Barkley on Saturday Night Live? The Eagles.
Some thought the Dallas Cowboys could never beat the Eagles three times in the same season, and certainly could not blow them out two weekends in a row. These people were wrong. Thanks to the Eagles and their suckiness, America was treated to one of the most terrifying images in history: George W. Bush and Jerry Jones high-fiving each other in the box.
3. When it Comes to Sucking, There’s Charles Barkley on Saturday Night Live, and Then There’s the Patriots vs. the Ravens
Bill Belichick must’ve thought he was having a nightmare Sunday as he watched his team of highly-paid professional football stars fall behind 24-0 in the first quarter to the Ravens. Unfortunately for The Dark Hoodie, it was not a dream, it was real. Somewhere, Eric Mangini was eating Ritz crackers and Cheez Whiz and cackling like a hyena.
4. Yes Charles Barkley, You Sucked on Saturday Night Live, But at Least You Did Not Suck as Bad as the Bengals
Ochocinco’s new truck, parked in his spot at the stadium, was the only evidence to prove he was actually at the game Saturday against the Jets. It is a sweet truck. It has a bigger carbon footprint than a 747, but what the hell, it’s only the planet we live on.
5. This Was Funnier Than Anything Charles Barkley Did on Saturday Night Live
Mark Sanchez pokes Pete Carroll about his decision to leave USC for the Seahawks. He should’ve done it while scarfing a hot dog. Then it would’ve been double-funny with chocolate icing on top.
6. Maybe Charles Barkley Should’ve Tried Dancing Like Donovan McNabb
Donovan must’ve had a premonition about how bad that game was going to be, and figured he better give the fans some entertainment before taking the field. I smell a Dancing With the Stars appearance coming on.
7. Charles Barkley Wasn’t the Only Former Basketball Star Who Appeared on a TV Show This Weekend…and Sucked
Scottie Pippen made a cameo appearance on The Cleveland Show in a musical number called “Balls Deep.” Aw, isn’t that cute, the little fat kid is in love.
8. Another Manslut Off the Market
Derek Jeter is reportedly set to marry his girlfriend Minka Kelly, the brunette starlet from Friday Night Lights. I guess notorious bachelor Derek figures he’s sown enough wild oats for one life and needs to start a family. I’m sure they’ll have several incredibly attractive children who are all bright and charming and athletically gifted. Except for that one awkward mutt who grows up to discover Nick Swisher is his real daddy. Hey, crazy things happen, especially when tequila is involved.
9. These Two Should Date. Or Jump Off a Bridge Hand-in-Hand. Either One.
Cameras caught Megan Fox kissing Mickey Rourke while the two were shooting a scene for their new movie Passion Play. I don’t know what makes me sicker: the sight of Mickey Rourke kissing someone or the thought of Megan Fox getting movie parts.
10. Charles Barkley Sucked on Saturday Night Live. Alicia Keys Did Not.
Somebody had to bring it like they knew what they were doing.
Further Reading:
Cubs Make Andre Dawson an Offer He Can’t Refuse
LeBron’s Over-the-Backboard Shot vs. Kobe’s Over-the-Backboard Shot
Spence Rescinds His Apology to Joe Flacco
Hockey Hair: A Tribute to the Salad Skate
Lamarr Woodley Should Wear More Bowling Shirts
A Candlelight Vigil for Pete Carroll
In Mother Russia, Hockey Brawl You
DeSean Jackson Fan Mad at Michaels and Collinsworth
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
