The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Mark McGwire Admits to Willingly Shrinking His Penis. I Might’ve Kept That One to Myself, No-Longer-Big Guy.
Yesterday afternoon, new Cardinals hitting coach Mark McGwire dropped a bomb on the sports world by admitting he took steroids all throughout the ’90s, even in 1998 when he and fellow man-made freak Sammy Sosa saved baseball by racing to break Roger Maris‘ home run record. Yesterday evening, McGwire sat down with noted Little Person Bob Costas for a tearful interview that, at least in this one excerpt, feels suspiciously like a tearful rehearsed statement presented in the form of an interview (like deep penetration, extemporaneous speaking is apparently impossible for McGwire).
2. Thug Sticks Up for Cheater
This is fun: Bob Knight sticking up for Mark McGwire by arguing that steroids are no different than Gatorade, and claiming that McGwire simply got bad advice. Remind me never to hire Bob Knight if I’m on trial in some alternate dimension where half-senile old basketball coaches are lawyers.
3. If Jay Leno Had Had His Own Cancellation to Joke About All Along, He Never Would’ve Gotten Canceled
Jay Leno’s low-rated primetime talk show has officially been canceled, leaving Jay’s future with the network up in the air. Sucks for NBC and Jay, but hey, at least now he’s got something to joke about in the monologue besides Tiger Woods.
4. And Conan O’Brien is Also Mad at NBC. Even Tiger Woods is Like, “Wow, You Guys Sure Messed Up a Lot of People’s Lives.”
Conan O’Brien smiles on the outside, but inside, he is ready to go all Sunday Bloody Sunday on NBC. Cause he’s Irish, you see.
5. Some Would Argue That the Franchise Died About Halfway Through Spider-Man 3
Director Sam Raimi has confirmed that plans to prepare a fourth Spider-Man film for a summer 2012 release have been scrapped, leaving the popular film franchise deader than Mark McGwire’s credibility. Sony Pictures has since revealed that it plans to move forward with a Spider-Man reboot for 2012, without Raimi, Tobey Maguire or any of the rest of the original cast. Even the guy who decided to paint the Hindenburg with rocket fuel thinks this is a bad idea.
6. Hedo Turkoglu Likes Him Some Underhand Alley-Oop Passing to Demar DeRozen
I realize I’ve been neglecting the NBA in this space. This could possibly be because the NBA is utterly irrelevant outside of the playoffs and Gilbert Arenas‘ gun-related antics. Or maybe it’s because there haven’t been enough videos of Hedo Turkoglu throwing sick alley-oop passes to Demar DeRozen. Yeah, that’s it.
7. What Random Food Item is Jesus’ Face on Today?
A man about to enjoy his lunch at an Indian eatery in England instead found himself having a religious experience when he noticed that the burns in his naan bread vaguely resembled the image of Jesus as portrayed by artists who never saw Jesus and therefore have no idea what the hell he looked like. “‘It was one eerie experience, given how close we were to Christmas Day,” said the man. A double-meaningless coincidence? Awesome.
8. Shaq Pulls a Reverse-Tiger: Cheating on His Wife With a Swedish Model
Radar Online, the same icky site that has competed daily with TMZ to ruin Tiger Woods‘ life, has revealed details of married NBA star Shaquille O’Neal’s 18-month relationship with Swedish model Dominica Westling. The editors at Radar Online are clearly all short, white, unathletic, small-dicked haterz who could never get within sniffing distance of a Swedish model without committing a felony.
9. Japanese TV, When Will You Ever Stop Blowing My Mind?
This is what a race between Usain Bolt and a mannequin would be like if Usain were a Japanese guy in blackface and the mannequin were a dude dressed up like a mannequin with his ass in the front. Why isn’t this kind of stuff on American TV? Outside of the fact that it would offend the majority of American TV viewers and hopelessly bewilder the rest? (via With Leather)
10. There Are So Many Different Things Wrong With This, I Don’t Even Know Where to Begin
When I was a kid, there were Star Wars action figures, Star Wars lunchboxes and of course Star Wars pajamas. Kids nowadays are much luckier, though, because they have a Star Wars burlesque show. I played with my tiny plastic Chewbacca; they play with their tiny fleshy winkies. I feel cheated. And a little revolted.
Further Reading:
NFL Playoffs Divisional Round Picks, Spreads, etc.,
Since the Pistons Last Won a Game…
Dear Braylon, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Should Baron Davis be Annoyed at NBA JAM?
The New Havana Red: Aroldis Chapman
Mark McGwire the American Liar
Charles Woodson Named AP Defensive Player of the Year
Are the Best Dunkers in Small Colleges?
Surprise: T-Mac to Bulls Not a Terrible Idea
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
