The most important things in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Let the Kiffin v. Neuheisel Trash-Talk War Begin
After one mediocre season at Tennessee, coach Lane Kiffin has shockingly bolted from the Volunteers to take over for Pete Carroll at USC. Some may wonder how in the world a man with a .500 record in college and a way-below-.500 record in the pros can possibly have earned arguably the most prestigious coaching job in Division 1 football. Well, it’s simple actually: Lane Kiffin is the greatest con man in the history of the world. If he were as good a football coach, he would be equal to fifteen Knute Rocknes.
2. College Campuses Were Once Hot-Beds of Political Dissent. Now They’re Just Places Where People Get Drunk and Break Stuff.
Amazingly, the departure of Lane Kiffin not only angered the University of Tennessee student body, it actually touched off a riot. With running and screaming and spray painting and tear gassing and urinating and pretty much everything except traffic copter footage of guys being dragged from their vehicles and beaten senseless. I would tell the rioting students to get a clue, but that would be like telling the ocean to stop being so damn wet. Congratulations, generation that produced the current crop of college age students. You have succeeded in raising the dumbest group of human beings ever to pollute the world. These people’s mothers must be especially proud:
3. Rex Ryan Respectfully Disagrees With Your Opinion That Charles Woodson Was the Best Defensive Player in the NFL This Year, and if You Don’t Like it, You Can Kiss His Giant White Pimply Ass Right on the Jets Logo Tattoo
I think if you asked 100 football fans which corner they’d rather have on their team, Charles Woodson or Darrelle Revis, all but the delusional Packer-backers among them would take Revis. We know who Rex Ryan would take, cause he told everyone at a press conference. This is how you get to be a players’ coach.
4. Chuck Norris Wants to be Geraldo Rivera, Except This Time, He’s the One Breaking the Noses
Action hero and spokesman for the insane far-right Chuck Norris wants America to know that Barack Obama is keeping something from them. And if you want to know exactly what this something is, all you have to do is infiltrate the secret vault Obama created by executive order. Chuck would infiltrate it himself, but his knees aren’t what they used to be, plus he’s too busy stalking Ann Coulter.
5. Why Do I Sense an Undercurrent of Glee?
Jimmy Kimmel does his monologue as Jay Leno. It’s a good thing he wore the giant gray wig and cartoonishly protruding fake chin, cause I would’ve had no idea who he was impersonating otherwise. He is no Frank Caliendo, that’s for sure.
6. Am I the Only Male in America Who Thinks Hugh Hefner is Just Kinda Creepy?
America’s favorite aging wannabe Pasha, Hugh Hefner, announced on Twitter that his “girlfriends” the Shannon Twins have moved out of his mansion and into “the Playmate house” where they will be free not to smell his old man smell. This reportedly leaves Hefner with only one android-like blonde Playmate still living with him. Sorry Hef, but if there’s only one much younger woman sharing your home with you, you don’t have a harem. You have a nurse.
7. She’s Hoping One of These Days Spencer Won’t Recognize Her, and She’ll be Free
Waste of DNA Heidi Montag has admitted that she is addicted to plastic surgery, claiming she once had 10 procedures in one day. Remember the good old days when self-improvement meant reading books and trying to experience more of the world? Now it just means paying some Mercedes-driving dickhead thousands of dollars to inject your own butt-fat into your lips.
8. How Do You Even Out the Advantage Hitters Gain by Taking Steroids? Make Them Use These Bats.
Some sculptors work in marble. Others in clay. A few in bronze. Peter Schuyff? He works in baseball bats.
9. Those Are Not Trees on Mars, No Matter What Jesse Ventura Says
Some new NASA images of Mars appear to show trees growing atop sand dunes on the supposedly lifeless planet. Scientists assure us that the “trees” are actually patterns left over by evaporation. Nevertheless, a group of beavers has set to work building their own spaceship so they may venture to the Red Planet and sink their comically oversized teeth into the sweet, sweet martian wood.
10. And if McGwire Won’t Agree to a Lie Detector Showdown, Canseco Will Challenge Him to a Bake-Off
You thought Jose Canseco would keep his mouth shut in the wake of Mark McGwire’s steroids admission? Well you obviously don’t know Jose Canseco. I love Jose’s idea for him and Mark to take dueling lie detector tests on national television. America needs to know once-and-for-all which of these two former sports heroes is the bigger lying puddle of snail-goo.
Further Reading:
The Top 10 Performance Enhancers According to Bob Knight
I Thought the Cubs‘ Starting Rotation Was Their Only Strength…
If it Was Good Enough for Yogi Berra, it’s Good Enough for Michael Oher
Random Retro Baseball Player: Von Hayes
10 Hottest American Idol Contestants
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
