Everything in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. LeBron James is the Chosen 1. As Long as You’re Not Choosing Him for the Dunk Contest.
LeBron James has decided to pull out of the dunk contest, a year after promising basketball fans he would participate in the always-overhyped All-Star weekend activity. That’s okay LeBron, we know you have more important things to do…like sit in the stands with your All-Star buddies overreacting to every dunk. “Wow, that was an awesome two-handed stuff! I am totally mesmerized by things I have seen hundreds of times and should be bored with by now! Hey, let’s go watch some fireworks!”
2. Vincent Jackson’s Sunday Was Worse Than Yours. Unless Your Name is Tony Romo.
Hours before his team was ousted from the playoffs by the upstart New York Jets, San Diego Chargers wide receiver Vincent Jackson was reportedly pulled over for playing his music too loud, and wound up being cuffed after officers discovered he was driving with an invalid license and expired plates. Sucks for Vincent, but still, any story that starts with a sports star getting pulled over and doesn’t end with the cops finding a bunch of drugs or a dead body in his trunk…that’s a positive story in my book.
3. In America She’s a Sweetheart; In Australia She’s Just Another Target for a Butt-Kicking by a Russian
Melanie Oudin failed in her bid to become Australia’s Sweetheart by getting knocked out by Russian Alla Kudryavtseva in the first round of the Aussie Open. I know what most of you are thinking of doing right now, but let me save you the trouble: no, Alla Kudryavtseva is not hot. You may move on with your day.
4. They Should Get Rid of the Pucks, the Sticks, the Ice and the Refs and Just Call it Professional Thuggery
Rouyn-Noranda Huskies forward Patrice Cormier (not a female, despite the name) hits Mikael Tam of the Quebec Ramparts with his elbow, sending Tam to the ice where he stops breathing and begins convulsing. MMA would like to thank hockey for making it look like a civilized activity.
5. Avatar isn’t only Killing Other Movies at the Box Office and Awards Presentations. It’s Also Killing People.
A 42-year-old Taiwanese man went off to see the box office smash Avatar a little under two weeks ago, never suspecting that he would suffer a stroke halfway through the movie and wind up dying in the hospital 11 days later. Doctors say a combination of hypertension and becoming overstimulated at the awe-inspiring spectacle of Avatar led to the man’s death. This is the first fatality directly linked to a movie since the time that guy choked to death on his own vomit 20 minutes into Funny People.
6. Comets Have Begun Mating With Asteroids, and We Are All Officially Screwed
Astronomers have discovered a curious object in the asteroid belt, one that looks for all the world like a combination between an asteroid and a comet. The plan now is to send a man out to the asteroid belt in a small, triangular spaceship equipped with shields and warp, so he can blow the comet/asteroid into smaller pieces that then fly off wildly in all directions, even circling the entire universe and coming up behind him. And if he doesn’t destroy the asteroids fast enough a UFO will come shooting back at him, forcing him to flee to the other end of the screen. Godspeed brave asteroid-destroying astronaut. And let’s hope your mom doesn’t catch you blowing your lunch money.
7. Sergio Garcia Pretends He Wants Tiger Back on the Tour
Sergio Garcia, the man who was supposed to become known as Tiger Woods‘ main rival but instead has become known as the dude who spit in the cup, says he wants Tiger back on the tour quickly because winning over Tiger is sweeter than merely winning. Like he’d know.
8. The Daily Wrongness: Masters of the Universe Art Exhibit
Ever wanted to see Skeletor naked and stretched out provocatively on a green bearskin rug? If your answer is “yes,” you should go look at this, then get help.
9. This is Why Your Mom Makes You Go Before You Leave
Tuesday’s Australian Open match between Donald Young and Christope Rochus was delayed a half hour while crews cleaned up the pee trail left when one of the ballboys lost control of his bladder and tried to flee the court. Gosh, I hope there’s video of this soon, so we can all enjoy seeing a young man get scarred for life.
10. Four Words I Never Wanted to See Together in This Particular Order: “Super Bowl Shuffle Remake”
Several members of the famous 1985 Chicago Bears team have gotten together to make a Super Bowl commercial in which they relive the joy that was their famously cheesy video for “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” I hope Jim McMahon has at least gotten some new teeth since the last time I saw him.
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
