Everything in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. No, Actually Steve, iPad Was Taken
Excitement over Apple’s unveiling of the iPad – you better get one, unless you enjoy going through life without being able to look your fellow humans in the eye – quickly gave way to hilarity over the name “iPad,” a name that made people think of many things, including an old MadTV skit. Buzz is buzz, I guess.
2. Chris Matthews Demonstrates How Post-Racial Barack Obama is…by Injecting Race into His Commentary on Barack Obama
I’m sure Chris Matthews is trying to make some incredibly pithy and insightful point here about how inspiring a figure Barack Obama is for other people who are not white, but unfortunately, it comes out all wrong. Perhaps in future Chris will restrict himself to remarks about the substance of what people have to say instead of focusing on their ethnic backgrounds. Irish twit.
3. The Wizards Will Have to Suck Without Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton. I Think They Can Manage.
David Stern has brought the hammer down on pistol-packing Wizards Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton, suspending the players for the remainder of the season. Chris Matthews suggested they should play for the all-white basketball league instead, but then he remembered that they’re black. He always forgets.
4. There’s a Reason Us Non-Hockey-Fans Always Focus on the Fighting. It’s Cause it’s So Damn Fun.
Some guy named Mark Fistric hits some guy named Eric Nystrom in the head with a helmet. Love the Punch-Out music playing in the background.
5. Or Maybe You Could Mug a D-List Celebrity and Steal Their Invitation?
Big League Stew tells us how to crash a Super Bowl party. Holy cow, nachos and hos wearing nothing but body paint? I thought they only had Cubans and nice-guy serial killers in Miami, but apparently I was way wrong.
6. I’m Pretty Sure Boise State Got Hosed on This List Too
An intensive scientific study yields an authoritative list of the top 25 college football programs of the last 10 years. USC is #1, so apparently, there are no points taken off for cheating or the coach being an asshat.
7. Holy Crap, More Hockey Footage That Has Nothing to Do With Hockey
Keeping the pucks roll going…some announcer saying two Detroit Red Wings had sex with the other team.
8. I Would’ve Just Said “Fuck You,” But Mark Twain’s Way Works too
Mark Twain once sent a scathing letter to a peddler of dubious medicine he had become annoyed with, and that letter has been handed down to us as an example of how much wittier 19th Century literary titans were than, say, 21st Century blog commenters. If I received such a letter from such a man, I would not know whether to be insulted or honored. Yeah, you’re right, I’d be insulted. But I’d also be grateful for the lesson in grammar.
9. Sportswriters are More Full of Shit Than Weather Men. And Other Stuff Any Pissed Off Sports Blogger Could’ve Told You.
The 6 most statistically full of shit professions. Politician is not in the top 6?
10. RIP J.D. Salinger
Somewhere, Mark David Chapman is crying. And that somewhere is Attica.
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
