Everything in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Golf’s Favorite Grandpa Gives Tiger Woods a Good Talking to
Tom Watson, the ghostly figure who came striding out of the mists of time to nearly win the British Open last year, thinks the Tiger Woods scandal has hurt golf, and thinks that when Tiger does return from his self-imposed exile, he should make a more concerted effort to comport himself like a gentleman on the course, and not swear and throw clubs like a punk kid. Tom just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be young, black and a jack-ass.
2. Things You Will Not See During the Super Bowl Telecast: Restraint, Dignity and Men Kissing Each Other
The owners of gay dating site ManCrunch.com have their hot pants all in a bundle after CBS’s apparent decision not to air their ad, which features two men kissing, during the Super Bowl. Well, I for one would not want my kids seeing that kind of filth during a wholesome all-American exhibition of sex and violence like the Super Bowl. First you let them see two dudes kissing, and before you know it, they’re joining the Democratic party, drinking soy milk and trading all their guns for Jonas Brothers tickets.
3. Mike Florio Just Reset the Turd-Watch Meter. Then Went Back to Practicing His Mobster Voice for When Scorsese Finally Calls.
Rey Maualuga proved that he is a true Cincinnati Bengal by getting busted for DUI this morning while driving around with two girls, one 18, one too young to be listed in the report as anything but a “juvenile.” Imagine what a distraction this would’ve been for the Bengals had they been in the midst of Super Bowl preparations right now. And if you want a real challenge, imagine the Bengals in the Super Bowl.
4. Hedo Turkoglu is a Man of One Word. And That Word is “Ball.”
Why did Hedo have a good game? “Ball.” What would Hedo do about global warming? “Ball.” What does Hedo think will happen in the last season of Lost? “Ball.” Who is Hedo’s favorite all-time Detroit Lions defensive tackle? “Karras.”
5. SNL is Going to Have a Field Day With This. Because They Think Mocking the Blind is Funny.
Sight-impaired New York governor and frequent Saturday Night Live target David Paterson appeared on The View with guest-host Tim Hasselbeck, who was filling in for his spouse Elisabeth as part of some wife/husband host-swap gimmick. Unfortunately for Paterson, a conversation about football broke out, during which Paterson said to Tim, “You switched jobs with your wife today. I was thinking that um if maybe some of the members of the Jets defensive backcourt switched wives with their Jets last Sunday, the Jets will be in the Super Bowl right now.” Well, he got the Jets part right. Maybe next time his assistants should write out his quips in Braille. Help a man out.
6. Yo Grandfather, Get Your Hands off the NBA Player’s Wife’s Booty, or I Fear We May Find Ourselves in a Fracas
Eddie House’s wife was trying to watch her husband ball against the Suns about a month ago when someone grabbed her inappropriately, she complained, and a brawl broke out. Fun story made even more fun: Two of the guys thrown in jail for the fight were Tigers catcher Gerald Laird and his brother Brandon, and the feel that started it all was copped by their horny grandfather. That’s what I call sports synergy.
7. Dwight Howard Mistakes a Ref for a Teammate. More Proof that NBA Games are Fixed?
Dwight Howard attempts to start a fastbreak, but unfortunately, doesn’t realize that the guy he thinks is breaking away is actually an official.
8. Bert Cooper is Now the Gayest Character on Mad Men
Mad Men creator Matt Weiner has confirmed that the series’ official gay character Salvatore Romano will not be returning for season 4. Homosexuals now have no reason to watch the show, except to ooh-and-aah over Joan’s outfits.
9. Okay Dad, I Get it, You Love Me
A Taiwanese man now has a giant scrap-metal Optimus Prime standing in his driveway, all because his son loves Transformers. It was either that or kidnap Megan Fox and present her to the boy as a sex slave. But then you have to feed her, and there’s the whole probably getting arrested thing.
10. Your Local Dangerous Highway Has Nothing on These 19 Dangerous and Absurdly Complex Roadways from Around the World
The road is a Marble Madness course, and you’re the marble.
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
