Everything in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Want to Get Nominated for Best Picture? Then Blow Some Shit Up.
The nominees for this year’s Oscars were announced this morning on fine talk shows all across America. As expected, The Hurt Locker and Avatar will be pitted against each other in life-or-death Academy Awards combat, as will the films’ respective directors, Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron, who used to be married (that’s what’s known as a subplot). SAG Award and Golden Globes winners Jeff Bridges, Christophe Waltz, Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique also received nominations, clearing the way for them to repeat their victories on Oscar night. Despite the lack of suspense, viewers will tune in…cause they want to see the dead people reel. Everyone loves the dead people reel.
2. Soon the NCAA Will Realize its Dream of Letting the Entire ACC into the Big Dance
Rumors are bouncing around that the NCAA is hot to expand the Big Dance field from 65 to 96 teams. Yet another brilliant, bald-faced money-grubbing big-conference-fellating move from the people who brought you the BCS.
3. Eric Maxwell, Reality is Trying to Call You. Please Pick Up.
Shocking – well, okay, slightly stunning – video of high school volleyball coach Eric Maxwell becoming irritated at one of his players and drilling her in the head with the ball. Bobby Knight wants to give this guy a medal; everyone else thinks he should be strung up by his ballsack and pelted with shit.
4. Things I Would Pay to See: Herschel Walker Kicking Jose Canseco in the Neck
Herschel Walker won his MMA debut over the weekend, and Jose Canseco was watching. Now Jose wants to challenge Herschel to an Athletes Your Dad Loved showdown for the ages. If Tonya Harding fights a blade-swinging Battlebot on the undercard, I’m in.
5. Kentucky: The Cradle of Jerks
The world’s greatest college basketball player John Wall appears to be feuding with his coach John Calipari. After a big loss this weekend, Wall seemed to get rubbed the wrong way by Calipari’s public criticism of him, and said he “tries not to listen” when Calipari speaks. See, and the whole time I thought the key to being a good player was paying attention to your coach. But Wall proves that you don’t have to. Remember that kids: don’t listen to your coach. And fuck Wheaties; ReddiWip is the real Breakfast of Champions.
6. Pretty Gay, Rudy
Rudy Gay sees the clock running down on the quarter and fires up a heave from a little short of half-court. Nothing unusual except for the fact that there are actually seven seconds left on the clock, plenty of time for the Lakers to rebound, and fire it down the court to Kobe Bryant for a three. I guess Rudy thought the “7″ on the clock was a “1.” He either needs glasses or a little remedial kindergarten.
7. The Hat Looked Great, Even if the Movie Sucked
The story of a man who started making his own Indiana Jones-style fedoras after seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark and ended up producing the fedoras Harrison Ford wore in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. No offense to this guy but I really hope he never has to produce another fedora for an Indiana Jones movie. Cause there should never be another Indiana Jones movie. Ever.
8. Can You Also Turn Your Dog into a Touchscreen? Cause That Would be Cruelly Hilarious.
A Portuguese company called Displax has invented a peel-and-stick polymer film that can be used to turn any flat surface into a touchscreen-like input device. So now you can finally live your dream of becoming the modern-day Marcel Proust. Just find a woman who is willing to lie there naked and let you use her back as a keyboard.
9. It’s a Good Thing No One Listens to PETA
The spoil-sports at PETA want to ruin the wonderful tradition that is Groundhog’s Day by replacing the famed Punxsutawney Phil with a shitty robot groundhog. Well America, it’s time to tell these animal-loving weenies where to go, and stand up for our right to make meteorological predictions based on the random reactions of a groggy rodent. Stick to throwing fake blood on models, PETA pukes.
10. They Post Stuff Like This at Esquire?
11 Memorable Attempts at Super Bowl Counterprogramming. Or, What Bud Bowl Hath Wrought.
Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.
