Everything in the universe. Ranked. Daily.
1. Getting a Head Start on Being Overrated
In a move sure to shock Bill Plaschke, a 13-year-old Delaware quarterback has made a verbal commitment to Lane Kiffin and USC. I won’t use the kid’s name here, because I refuse to participate in the most egregious case of silly advance hyping since Freddy Adu. By the way, for all we know, not only will Lane Kiffin not still be the coach by the time this kid is old enough to play for USC, but there might not even be a USC, or a California, or an earth.
2. Those Are Some Thighs. Those Are Thighs, Right?
Controversy has erupted among feminists over Winter Olympian Lindsey Vonn’s SI cover, which features the somewhat attractive blonde skier bent so far over, the only thing you can think about is sheltering under her ass until the spring thaw. The feminists are enraged that, once again, a magazine aimed at young, silly males has chosen to emphasize a female athlete’s minor sex appeal over her sports skills. But everyone knows feminists are just bitter and ugly, so no one pays attention to them anyway.
3. Proof That James Cameron Was Wise to Choose Movie Directing Over Making Music Videos
Once upon a time, James Cameron directed a music video for his buddy Bill Paxton’s band, and convinced his other buddies Paul Reiser, Lance Henriksen and Kathryn Bigelow, who would eventually become his ex-wife, to appear in it. James probably thought this video was gone forever but, nope. Nothing ever dies, as long as YouTube lives.
4. Smells Like Whatever Kids Smell Like These Days
Frances Bean, the daughter of late Nirvana front-man Kurt Cobain and insane freak Courtney Love, is taking the musical plunge by performing on the debut album for the band Evelyn Evelyn, a side-project for Amanda Palmer of Dresden Dolls. I don’t want to say that Frances’ appearance on this record is a stunt, but Weird Al will reportedly be singing on the same track. So, at the very least, I’m conflicted over whether to take this seriously.
5. Johnson Jokes Are too Easy
Fox NFL analyst and hair legend Jimmy Johnson has signed on as a spokesman for male enhancement product ExtenZe. Now the time has come for me to show a certain maturity and not do the joke about wanting a Johnson like Jimmy’s.
6. I’d be Blasted too if I Had to Hang Out With a Bunch of Baseball Fans in February
I was wondering who Freddy Garcia was going to be pitching for this year. I guess it’s the White Sox, since this video of him all drunk and sweary was taken at Soxfest. Or maybe he just crashed it.
7. This Guy Gets 10 Points for Moxie, and Minus-1,000 Points for Non-Evilness
How hard is it to pull off a scheme where you pretend to be a U.S. Marshall, arrest a woman you don’t like for some reason, tell her you’re going to deport her, drive her to the airport and make her fly to the Philippines on her own dime? Not very hard, apparently, since this guy did it. And the woman he “deported” is still in the Philippines somewhere. Lou Dobbs is jealous he didn’t think of this.
8. Conan’s Off, So We’re Stuck With Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel makes the funny about Tim Tebow’s controversial anti-abortion ad. Pretty much any clip from Jersey Shore makes a good pro-choice argument, if you ask me.
9. Carl Everett Calls Bullshit on This
Scientists have, for the first time ever, worked out what a dinosaur might really have looked like, instead of just making a good guess based on their knowledge of Godzilla. Hint: Think chicken more than lizard.
10. And Did You Know that Hitchcock Had a Terrible Fear of Eggs?
