Come for the Zooey, stay for the Schmidt. That should be the slogan for New Girl. Zooey drew us all in but we soon discovered that the true break-out character was her roomy Schmidt, the uber-horny former fatty with the serious OCD issues. Max Greenfield earned a well-deserved Emmy nomination for breathing life into this hilarious character, a pitch-perfect blend of obnoxiousness and vulnerability with a touch of sex appeal. Did I say a touch? I meant a whole dump truck full. That is one sexy man. When he takes his shirt off? If I were a lady I’d be sweating like a pig. But I’m not a lady so I’m totally dry. Like a desert. No perspiration at all. When Schmidt de-shirts…
Ahem.
As we prepare for the return of New Girl in all its adorkable glory, let’s look back at the Season 1 Top Ten of Schmidt. And yes there will be GIFs. Hilarious, hilarious GIFs.
10. Douchebag jar
The douchebag jar gag was a nice way of introducing us to Schmidt’s douchiness. I’m just glad they didn’t go overboard with it. Douchebag jar every episode would’ve gotten tired. The one where Jess threw Schmidt a terrible party on the party bus and her boss brought half a pot cookie and Nick’s girlfriend punched that dude had the best run of douchebag jar gags. I think after that we all felt full of douchebag jar. Like after eating two bratwurst. Enough bratwurst.
9. Schmidt wants to see Nick’s penis
Classic sitcom hi jinks. Jess accidentally sees Nick’s penis, meaning everyone in the apartment has now seen Nick’s penis…except Schmidt. For some reason this really bothers Schmidt. Why does he want to see Nick’s penis so badly? Does he secretly have feelings for Nick? Is it a friendship thing? Jealousy? Is Schmidt a mountain of bizarre compulsions so toweringly high even Edmund Hillary could not scale it riding on the back of the world’s hardiest Sherpa?
8. Schmidt becomes Naughty Santa
Schmidt’s work relationship with the women at his office is used to turn classic TV gender roles on their ears and therefore comment on said roles. See, normally it would be the bimbo having to dress up as a naughty Santa at the office Christmas party (think Cerie dressed as Santa, and try not to fap you sickos), but the office is full of women and Schmidt is the bimbo so he has to dress up as Santa… Oh screw it. Schmidt as naughty Santa.
7. Schmidt tries to White Fang Cece
Lots of stuff happened in the season finale. Nick was going to move in with The Waitress but Charlie showed up at the last second and almost beat him to death with a hammer! No wait, that was just a dream I had. Okay I remember. Schmidt tried to break up with Cece, and used the story of White Fang to explain why. When you like someone set them free! Not love? No because they can’t bring themselves to say it. Cause deep down they’re both so guarded and insecure! They don’t know how to express their feelings except through wild sex! Anyway, it didn’t go the way Schmidt planned. White Fanging a person isn’t as easy as it looks. Especially when they weren’t raised by animals.
6. Schmidt can’t tell if his boss is flirting with him
Schmidt has a problem. He thinks his hot boss Kim is sending him signals disguised as normal everyday office requests, but he can’t be sure. I think we’ve all been there. Is the person we want to have sex with flirting with us in an incredibly indirect way or are they simply waving the flag to let us know it’s now safe to pass the workers repairing the shoulder after the recent rain? Oh the way she waves the flag. Those powerful arms. Those oddly asymmetrical hips. That eyepatch. What was I talking about? Oh, Schmidt and his boss. Well he finally decides to have sex with her. And gets arrested cause the security people think he’s attacking her in the parking ramp. It happens.
5. Schmidt cooks Thanksgiving dinner, is an insane OCD kitchen maniac
This was the start of the Schmidt-Cece relationship. Jess wants Thanksgiving dinner but Schmidt won’t let anyone else in his kitchen. So Schmidt is going to do the cooking. Cece immediately realizes how insane he is about his sacred kitchen space and begins teasing him. Cause she likes him but she can’t just say it cause she’s guarded…didn’t we already cover this? Anyway, hilarity ensues. Sexy teasing food-wasting future-development-setting-up obsessive-compulsive hilarity.
4. Schmidt and Cece, busted
Unlikely TV sitcom couple Schmidt and Cece don’t want their friends to know about their relationship, mostly because they don’t want to acknowledge it to themselves (cause they’re insecure and guarded blah blah). But of course no secret can last forever. Schmidt and Cece finally get busted when their sexcapades in the back of Schmidt’s man-bulance backfire. As in, Winston drives off to Mexico to see his annoying girlfriend Shelby with them naked in the backseat. Amazing! They gave Winston something important to do! (Note to self: Create a treatment from my idea for a Winston & T-Dog crossover/spin-off show, send to network execs, prepare to live a life of luxury once the dollars start rolling in).
3. Schmidt and Cece hook up, world gags or is delighted?
This was certainly high on the list of greatest twists in TV history. Right up there with Bobby Ewing in the shower, that one season of Roseanne being a dream and everything in every episode of Lost. Who ever would’ve guessed? Schmidt and Cece? But Schmidt is a loser who used to be fat and everyone’s ashamed of him. Sure he has a hot body now but so what? Cece is a sexy model and also somehow incredibly smart and funny. Why would she want douchey Schmidt? Unless…she is attracted to him because deep down they’re both the same! Insecure and guarded and not willing to show their true feelings! Did we get that point yet? Good. Anyway it was funny. Schmidt the wannabe player is a real player after all? Good show, Elizabeth Meriwether, et al. Usurp our expectations some more.
2. Schmidt becomes a hippie
Turning things on their ear is a good way to get comedy out of something. For instance, if you have a character like Schmidt who is incredibly uptight and materialistic and just about the last person you’d ever expect to put on a filthy shirt and bang a bongo drum with the wash-outs down in Venice Beach, a funny idea would be having him put on a filthy shirt and bang a bongo drum with the wash-outs down in Venice Beach. This is exactly what happens after Jess mistakenly encourages Schmidt to expand his horizons. He becomes a quasi-hippie, and the delicate balance of the apartment is thrown out-of-whack. Cause Schmidt’s the mom. And if the mom starts acting like an irresponsible hippie, who will do the laundry? The kids will have to do the laundry. And they don’t want to do the laundry. That’s what the mom is for.
1. Schmidt breaks his penis
It wasn’t subtle, it wasn’t all that clever, but it was necessary. When you look back on it. Schmidt had to break his penis inside that Russian gal. Cause how else could he and Cece discover that there was more to their relationship than sex? Schmidt’s sex part had to become disabled so his other parts could grow. Also it was funny watching him howl with pain at every erection. His girlfriend is a model and he can’t get a hard-on without rending pain! That might be irony, I’m not sure. I’ll check with my troll.
