Five Reasons Iron Man is Cooler Than Batman

Batman is the coolest superhero in the whole superhero universe? I dispute that notion. I dispute it with every fiber of my being. I am adding more fibers to my being just so I can dispute that notion even more. It’s not Batman who is the coolest, it’s Iron Man. I shall now make my case.

1. Iron Man actually enjoys being rich.

Both these guys have more money than the pope; only one of them actually likes being rich. Oh sure Bruce Wayne puts on a show of enjoying his wealth. He goes to big parties with babes on his arm, acts the playboy, smiles and pretends he’s all about living the Diddy life. But you know he doesn’t really mean it. You know that in reality he is a miserable bastard who would rather spend his days meditating in a dirty rat-filled hole like some kind of self-denying warrior-monk than hang with his homies in a vodka commercial, Diddy-style. The Playah Bruce Wayne thing is just the mask hiding his true self. And his true self is so non-Diddy.

Tony Stark on the other hand? He loves being rich. He is the Ric Flair of superheroes. He is all about the swag. He is a walking advertisement for runaway unapologetic screw-the-little-guy capitalism. Give this guy three minutes with Karl Marx and Karl Marx would be punching Cornelius Vanderbilt in the face and buying up all the railroad shares and hiring architects to build him the most decadent Italian-style villa in the history of the world (more cherubs damn it!). Tony Stark doesn’t front. He isn’t ashamed to be what he is. He gots it, he flaunts it. Maybe he and Diddy should take Bruce Wayne clubbing and teach that poor mofo how to lighten up a little.

2. Iron Man doesn’t need someone else to build his stuff for him.

Maybe this is just me but if you’re going to be a superhero without actual superpowers who has to employ crazy gadgets in order to undertake his superhero activities without being snapped in half by the first supervillain he encounters? Then you should build your own damn gadgets. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. Bruce Wayne isn’t a mechanical genius like Tony Stark. He is just an industrialist with some kung fu training. It’s not fair to expect him to build his own Batstuff. Lighten up on the guy a little bit. He is trying to clean up Gotham. Have you seen Gotham lately? If that place was a ’79 Aspen it would take at least 15 cheerleaders in short-shorts wielding giant dripping sponges to even make a dent in that mess. With all the money going to charity of course.

Sorry I ain’t buying it. Major major coolness downvotes for not building your own stuff. Maybe Bruce Wayne should get off his lazy ass and take some DeVry courses. Learn how to weld. Does he have even an elementary grasp of how a particle accelerator works? Probably not. Well Tony Stark can build one of those bastards OUT OF SPARE PARTS JUST LYING AROUND HIS PLACE. I bet Bruce Wayne doesn’t even know how to clean the crumbs out of his toaster. He has to call Lucius. Tony Stark could build a nuclear-powered toaster without even waking up from his post-model-banging mid-afternoon snooze. And it would make the sweetest toast ever.