Guys, it is time to declare a moratorium on playing beer pong. If the suspension manages to progress to complete abandonment of the world’s most overrated drinking game, I can’t say I’d be heartbroken. The game is just too riddled with flaws to justify the collective obsession over it. You don’t see pet owners singing the praises of their ancient, sickly, barely-functioning dogs; they take the poor creatures out back behind the shed and put ‘em outta their misery (compassionately, of course. And with a shotgun).
Listen, I’ve had my fair share of memorable pong nights, but the game is clearly deficient in multiple respects. It’s terrible at parties since it alienates the thirty people not currently playing, forcing them to stand around bored as four enthusiastic bros do their best impersonations of DeAndre Jordan shooting free-throws. I have probably seen hundreds of beer pong players in my day (a stat I shouldn’t be proud of), and I’ve yet to meet anyone that actually shows consistent competency. If you’re the type of guy who thinks he can get “dialed in” at beer pong on a regular basis, you’re only fooling yourself. You must be living in some fantasy world void of math because I guarantee your all-time shooting percentage is abysmal. Also, you should probably get used to being “dialed in” to a dialysis machine, since you’ve likely decimated your kidneys.
In social settings, people want to feel camaraderie and connection, not debilitating tedium. A beer pong table takes up valuable floor space at a party, hampering the potential fun of the many in support of the few. I’m pretty sure that’s fascism. Folks go to parties to mingle, gyrate, and accrue tales of oh-so-regrettable-but-not-really promiscuity for their memories, not to watch strangers throw balls into cups (unless it’s a jock-fitting party for the baseball team, but I don’t think those exist). I’m not even the biggest fan of dancing in public—I abhor it, actually—and even I would rather have more dance floor space than an area designated for beer pong. Sure, I’d just slink around the perimeter, trying to build up the courage to go embarrass myself with my lack of coordination and rhythm, but it’d be better than watching incompetent pong players talk trash
Of course, I’m not the type of guy who will just rail against some undesirable entity without proposing useful solutions (‘sup, Democrats). That’s why I’ve decided to offer you five thrilling, fun, and better drinking games than beer pong. So next time you find yourself at some Keystone-filled soiree, propose one of these games as opposed to beer pong. You’ll leave the party a hero, hoisted on the shoulders of a chanting, reverent crowd.
Let’s get started!