Fifty Things That Confuse Ryan Lochte

Kat Gotsick is a writer for FanSided partner For more great content, head on over to Bro Jackson and check out Kat’s work.

I enjoy the show “Mad Men.” It is a fine Sunday night companion. Unfortunately,  I committed to recapping “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” for Bro Jackson. I watched most of the Anna Nicole Smith reality show and I still couldn’t get through it. Lochte is a sculpted Olympian I love to watch, but even with the candy factor his television persona is unwatchable.

Maybe it’s because he’s a chilling mix of dumb and cocky. To his credit, all of the rap slang he uses seems to stem from a good-natured place. He likes hip-hop culture and at least tries to fit in by not being racist. I don’t think he’d ever go to a Halloween party at a frat house dressed like Lil Wayne.

But he’s still pretty clueless. And so if you ever encounter Lochte, keep in mind these 50 things—you don’t want to confuse the poor guy.

  1. If penguins are birds, how come they don’t fly?
  2. Puns
  3. Silent letters
  4. Sugarless Candy (“How do they be sweet?”)
  5. How Cristiano Ronaldo “looks so American but isn’t”
  6. The Sequester
  7. How some people decide to live in Ohio even if they could live somewhere else
  8. The Indigo Girls
  9. That the hot lady in “Modern Family” is in her 40’s
  10. Astroturf (thinks it’s made of grass)
  11. How does Shazam just know?
  12. A bi-cameral legislature
  13. Are you sure Bruce Lee died? (“Because I just saw ‘Enter the Dragon’ and he was totally in it.”)
  14. Is it a ponytail because it’s made of horsehair?
  15. Is The Rock smart or just acting smart?
  16. Where are girls’ butts sometimes?
  17. Why does Vince Vaughn talk so fast?
  18. “There’s a real live human named Benedict Cumberbatch? That’s not a cartoon bad guy?”
  19. The “For Dummies” series of instructional books
  20. Why people use arms in dancing
  21. Shirts with no words on them
  22. Radiohead
  23. Anything French
  24. How Hawaii is in the USA
  25. “That video of the eagle picking up the baby isn’t real?”
  26. His local post office
  27. Is Buckaroo Bonzai a real person or are people f-ing with me?
  28. Women who … just … scream.
  29. Boy massagers
  30. “My hands sometimes when I look at them too hard”
  31. How did the other two Beastie Boys know how that first Beastie Boy was going to end his rhyme?
  32. Insurance
  33. People who farm
  34. Is Chris Brown a good guy or a bad guy?
  35. Zippers
  36. How does Mr. Spock know so much about babies?
  37. Words that spell different than they sound
  38. The appeal of Bieber
  39. People who look real Asian but talk real American
  40. Was that Red Bull guy an astronaut? Or just a guy?
  41. Stephen Colbert, “because someone told me he’s different in real life”
  42. “How did John Cusack be sexy?”
  43. “Rat dogs”
  44. Colors in between other colors
  45. “I was watching ‘Law & Order’ and I swear one of the actors was named Iced Tea”
  46. NASCAR
  47. Fantasy NASCAR
  48. Turtles / Tortoises: What’s the diff?
  49. Some movies are quiet and some are loud. And some people think both kinds are good.
  50. Why girls think he is dumb

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