Ben Liebman is a writer for FanSided partner BroJackson.com. For more great content, head on over to Bro Jackson and check out Ben’s work and be sure to check Ben’s Game of Thrones recap from last week to see how we got here.
“Game of Thrones” makes the best use of animals on any television show since “Lassie.” Frasier’s dog was cute and all, but I doubt he could be counted on to engulf an intruder in flames when they try to interrupt Niles. This week’s power rankings take all of that into account, and more. Remember to enjoy these last few episodes because the finale is coming.
On the Bubble
Catelyn Stark – Season three has reduced her to only side-eye glances and sad faces.
The Bear – That animal was pretty hardcore, but it seemed to have trouble dealing with a wooden stick.
Davos Seaworth – Still learning English from a shut in.
After being left off last week’s rankings, Gendry made a strong push last episode for some respect. While Melisandre’s plans are still as murky as her shadow children, this is a far better spot for the bastard son of King Robert than with the brotherhood. I just hope he isn’t expecting an emotional connection with Uncle Stannis.
14. Barristan Selmy
After last week, Barristan the Bold must have felt like he bought Google stock at $10. He risked it all by pledging his sword to Dany, and she isn’t letting him down. With the emissary from the Yunkai totally overmatched, his play seems paying off for the moment. They are still not any closer to heading toward Westeros, but clearly we are seeing Dany taking the role of a true leader.
13. Theon Greyjoy’s Private Parts
The worst fear of any man played out last week with Theon, and even now I am finding it hard to talk about. He awoke and there were these two women and…well the torture guy was there and stuff. They cut off his…I got that taste in my mouth like I funneled too much light beer. It was a powerful thing, obviously.
Even when it seemed like Jaime had decided to leave the Lady of Tarth behind I had doubts. It just didn’t make sense. What sort of world would this be if our Bert and Ernie broke up? After this trip it might be the right time to consider a travel agent for all future adventures. Someone get her armor back from the Harenhall softball coach.
11. King Joffrey
Obviously the sheltering of Joffrey has hurt him because if he had been exposed to prison documentaries, he would have known you can’t let someone step up on you like his grandfather did. He still wears the crown yet he seems smaller and smaller each time we see him seated on the Iron Throne. Joff was able to eventually free himself from his mother’s grasp, but Lord Tywin is a totally different animal. At least he let Joffrey keep his crossbows.
One day there will be a Scream level satire of Game of Thrones when they discuss the major rules you can’t violate. One of those rules is to never run through the forest for any reason. Arya, in her attempt to flee the Brotherhood, violated that central tenet and ended up in the grasp of the Hound. Will the Hound deliver her to King Joffrey in order to repay for when he fled the city during the Battle of Blackwater Bay?
9. Margaery Tyrell
Marge isn’t going to let Sansa Stark ruin the lead-up to her wedding. That much was clear when she tried to pitch to Sansa that her new arranged marriage with Tyrion might not be so bad at all. Her pitch is the kind that normally would only attract women who are dating professional athletes, but anything to calm down one of her bridesmaids. Marge is only concerned with power, and that can’t go unnoticed on a list like this.
8. Cersei Lannister
The Queen Regent is entering the DH portion of her career. She might have previously had hall-of-fame abilities, but now she’s just a shell of her former self. You can still count on her to make a move or two, but this week could be the last time she is ever thought of as more powerful than Marge.
Taking the biggest fall this week is the red-haired wildling whose power seems to lessen the farther away from her homeland she gets. You can’t hope to hold down the top spot of a power list when a solitary windmill amazes you. It’s never a good idea to invest too much energy into someone who could be confused by the concept of cheese in a can.
Since we’ve been able to genetically create a miniature St. Bernard there is no way that we can’t get behind breeding Dragons. Now the whole fire breathing aspect might be a pie-in-the-sky idea, but are you telling me we can’t get a flying squirrel to have sex with a komodo dragon? Dany’s three dragons are the ultimate trump card, and there isn’t one character–except maybe Hodor–who I wouldn’t trade for just one of them. Negotiating with those three-winged babies behind you shouldn’t be considered fair.
5. Tyrion Lannister
It is always a bad situation when you have to explain to an angry whore that you are now marrying the heir to the North. While on the surface Sansa should have the most problems with her nuptials, it is Tyrion who has his hands full. How much focus can Tyrion place on the power struggle in the court when now he has two women on his plate? While it worked in “Big Love,” this seems like an entirely different set of circumstances.
4. Jon Snow
Jon should start working on his “it’s not you, it’s me” speech because I just don’t see his relationship surviving while he remains an undercover crow. If the wildlings do eventually get to Castle Black, will that be the moment Jon reveals his true allegiances or has Jon possibly actually gone too far into the wildling lifestyle? Either way these last few episodes are guaranteed to feature tough decisions for the bastard of Winterfell.
3. Jaime Lannister
We love a redemption story in this country, and saving Brienne from becoming Bear food might have forever pushed Jaime into the good graces of the viewers. Yeah, I know he pushed Bran out a window, but that was ages ago. Back then, the Dragons were still petrified eggs. If he ever reaches King’s Landing he could neatly fit beside his father and become one of the most powerful men in Westeros once again. This time we’d even like him.
2. Daenerys Targaryen
It’s good to be the Queen right now. She’s got her army of Unsullied, Barristan, and Jorah backing her up on the ones and twos, oh, and the most important dragons since Puff. While her focus has shifted from Westeros to Yunkai, she still would be the worst person to negotiate a real estate deal with.
“Actually Ms. Targaryen, we are looking to get a bid in the high $900s for the place. That kitchen renovation with Volantis marble cost close to $50,000 on its own.”
“I understand…How about my Dragons burn your face off?”
“You know, $750,000 could work. Seems a fair bid. Now where is my pen?”
1. Tywin Lannister
Lord Tywin did everything last week but place his genitals on the face of King Joffrey during their throne room scene. Tywin was one of the toughest players in Westeros before, but now he could be considered de facto King. Is there anyone left in King’s Landing who would dare attempt to go against the wishes of the hand of the king? While Tywin doesn’t have any Dragons on his side, he has the biggest package this side of Theon.
And now I’ve got the castrating Theon scene in my mind again. Great. I think that I just tasted bile in my throat. I am going to be fine. Just need a moment to collect myself. How could they make us watch that scene? This might call for an extra pull or two from my milk of the poppy bottle tonight.
Tags: Game Of Thrones