We used to sing a song called “Pizza Love” in my childhood choir. For those curious, you can watch a creepy video of random children singing it here; it’s a spectacular and moving tune. Like any normal kid and/or mutant turtle, I loved pizza (and much to the disappointment of my waistline, I still do). Of course, loving something isn’t worthwhile unless you form strong, quantifiable opinions regarding it and then force those opinions onto others. With that in mind, I proudly present to you my power rankings of pizza toppings. Feel free to disagree in the comments.
12) Pineapple: Gross and stringy. These words describe not only Taylor Momsen but pineapple as well. I don’t think pineapples are sentient, but they seem to know exactly how to get stuck between your teeth every single time. It’s awful. It’s like they’re evolutionarily designed to be a nuisance. I blame Darwin.
11) Anchovies: Unless you’re engaged in some sort of Futurama reenactment game (in which case you’re probably super cool and we should be friends), there’s no excuse for ever having anchovies anywhere near your person, let alone on your pizza. I’m instantly suspicious of the motives of anyone who orders anchovies. You could say they seem “fishy,” but then I’d have to cudgel you to death.
10) Olives: Olives belong in martinis and that’s about it. I’ve never understood why they are they so ubiquitous as a pizza topping. Why does nobody order a purely olive pizza if they are such a “classic” ingredient? Oh, that’s right, because they’re foul and disgusting. Olives have the taste and texture of a diseased salamander; they add nothing desirable to a pizza. Unless you’re a masochist or are trying to poison someone, I see no logical reason to actively make your pizza worse. I even dislike them more than I dislike Oliver North, and he was pretty evil.
9) Sausage: Sorry, it’s been ruined by porn jokes. If you can actually order a giant sausage pizza without cracking up like a pre-pubescent boy, you are, well, probably a lot more mature than I am. Kudos.
8) Mushrooms: Do you like fungus on your pizza? Boy, I sure do! Mushrooms belong in omelettes, Mario games, and Carlos Castaneda novels. They taste better than olives, sure, but the texture is similarly repulsive. While they aren’t utterly terrible, they aren’t something I seek out to experience (sort of like Infected Mushroom’s music).
7) Pepperoni: Saying pepperoni is your favorite topping is like saying Pulp Fiction is your favorite movie or Tupac is your favorite rapper. It is hard to argue with quality, but it is easy to dismiss unoriginality. I can’t fault you for loving pepperoni, but I can refuse to gain respect for you both as a pizza connoisseur and as a human being. Pepperoni is a crutch for the unimaginative. It is a tasty crutch, sure, but a crutch nonetheless.
6) Garlic: Are vampires are still “a thing” culturally? Can anyone shed any light on that? That phase was unbearable. So many tweens will now grow up to tell their children about how sparkly and sexy vampires are. Those are not the values I want passed down to future generations! Zombies are a tad better than vampires, but not by much. Ghosts are still the scariest and most underrated creatures, since there’s no realistic way to combat them (there’s no magical trump card, like garlic). So, overall, garlic is okay, I guess. Wait, what?
5) Onions: Onions are incredibly versatile; they are the Percy Harvin of toppings. Interestingly, they have been actually proven in scientific homeopathy circles to cure headaches. I’m pretty sure Harvin is excited about the state of Washington’s legalized access to cheap, medicinal, dank onions. I recommend Walla Walla, but, hey, there are numerous quality strains.
4) Pesto: Okay, so pesto isn’t technically a topping. Whatever. I’m the one making the list. I hated pesto when I was a kid; I always imagined my pizza was leaking gangrenous pus. Now, as a pseudo-adult, I still imagine my pizza is leaking gangrenous pus, but I’m kinda weird so I like it. The only bad version of pesto is Jimmy Pesto from Bob’s Burgers, and even he gets a pass for spawning the awesome Jimmy Junior.
3) Sun-Dried Tomatoes: Far, far superior to those moon-dried tomatoes the hippies are always raving about.
2) Green/Red Peppers: Maybe the only thing in the world that is rendered actually worse by the addition of some sort of pepper is the Iron Man series. Peppers of all colors are delicious, and they add a slight bit of crunch to pizza that other vegetables are incapable of providing. They also have numerous health benefits, which can transform your pizza from a one-way ticket to a greasy, sodium-infused grave to a method of prolonging your lifespan (thereby allowing you to eat more pizza. It’s an awesome cycle).
1) Bacon: If you think I’m referring to the disgrace to taste that is Canadian bacon, you deserve to have your citizenship revoked. I don’t even care if you don’t live in America; whichever country you reside in should banish you simply because your lack of intelligence is too big of a risk to potentially allow into the gene pool. There’s a reason why only children like Canadian bacon on pizza; kids are morons. Adults order real bacon on their pizza, because adults have enough money to pay for surgery when their hearts explode from eating too much fat. I don’t need to tell you bacon is delicious. It is a simple, basic truth of life. HOWEVER, woe be the pizza place the uses those crumbled up bits of bacon that look like vole droppings; I want actual hunks, thanks.