ESPN First Take: What If Civil Cases Were Solved By Debate Show


Ben Liebman is a writer for FanSided partner BroJackson.com. For more great content, head on over to Bro Jackson and check out Ben’s work.

One thing everyone in Hollywood can agree on is that we aren’t too far off from a grim dystopian future. This summer lovers of dark visions can choose between films from Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon. However none of these movies are going to be honest about where all signs point to in our society. They do touch on big government and the destruction of our planet, but none of them will bring up the new militant power in our lives. Of course I’m talking about First Take on ESPN2.

Before we get into predicting the future we should take a nuts and bolts look at First Take. If you aren’t familiar with the show (really you don’t know First Take? Have you been living in a cave or the west coast of Florida?) First Take is a 120-minute debate/pageant featuring Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith. The moderator Cari Champion is there to just throw red meat up in the air and wait until one of the guys starts screaming.

The show is somewhat similar to Pardon the Interruption except if Tony and Mike were force fed cocaine and HGH. First Take takes the topics that PTI covers in thirty minutes and somehow stretches them out to two hours. While the show started off being somewhat of a joke it quickly made a splash in the ratings. Success has a way of silencing critics and the First Take crossfire debate style began to bleed across all programs and channels on ESPN. Network executives saw a new format that could not only drum up great numbers, but also was relatively cheap to make. Now it wouldn’t shock me if Linda Cohn and Chris McKendry started arguing about who was the better anchor to call the Heat highlight package on the 6pm Sportscenter. In the not too distant future we will all be living under the judgment of First Take.

With First Take taking over it won’t be too far off until we call on the show to replace our own bloated legal system. Instead of paying all those judges, lawyers, and stenographers we would only need to pay for three people. There wouldn’t be a backlog of cases either because the show is built for speed. While each case is different there isn’t one part of the code they won’t be able to adjudicate.

Divorce
Cari – We want you to tell us on Facebook who you think deserves sole custody of the children, Jake or Karen. Log on now and we will tell you the results after the break.

Small Claims
Skip – Before we decide who owes the money for the power bill I want to regale you all with a story from when I covered the 1993 Cowboys.

Medical Malpractice
Stephen A. – That Rhinoplasty is so, so, so disrespectful, and I can’t believe you don’t see that.

Probate
Skip – Stephen A., there is no way that the wife deserves the ski house. She choked away he chance in the opening statements. I tweeted all about this last night before taping a video of myself reading the tweets out loud before then screaming at the moon until dawn.

Tax Law
Stephen A. – I spoke today with Coach Mike Woodson about the conversation I had yesterday with Carmelo Anthony about the comments JR Smith made last week about the play of Tyson Chandler during last month’s game against the 76ers.

Criminal Law
Skip – And I am going to ask Tyler the Creator exactly what he thinks about the murder weapon when he comes out here, Stephen A.

Stephen A. – I’m sure a young superstar like Tyler will have plenty to say about it.

Cari – Don’t go anywhere as Tyler the Creator joins the conversation after the break. We’ll discuss the Spurs chances at the title with him and if he sees any reasonable doubt in the state’s case. Stay with us.

There is no sense fighting off First Take because they’ve already won. Just plan for your next speeding ticket to be decided by which hash tag is tweeted the most. You won’t see this future play out on your movie screens this summer because this story would never do well in a focus group. Enjoy the futures where everyone can fit into spandex and fly, but remember that the reality is each future legal ruling will only be published on Adam Schefter’s twitter page.

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Tags: ESPN First Take TV Shows

  • http://www.arrowheadaddict.com Patrick Allen

    This reminds me of some kind of 1984/Brave New World hell. (shudders)