I’m going to pitch you a movie:
It’s 2013, and a dastardly villain named Mr. Swackhammer (who sounds a disturbing amount like Frank Reynolds) has spent a decade rotting in a prison on the moon. He is a broken man, forlornly bouncing a basketball in his dank cell, muttering to himself about a “go-go-gadget arm that put him in this hellhole,” when he sees a light shining through the bars on his cell window. It’s a ship, orange and round, hurtling toward the moon at an alarming rate, and finally crashing through the wall of Swackhammer’s cell. One of the panels of the orb opens with a smoky hiss, and out steps . . .wait for it . . . MICHAEL JORDAN.
He explains to Swackhammer that in the 18 years since Jordan and the Tune Squad defeated the MonStars and closed Moron Mountain for good, Jordan has embraced the dark side. Due to his inability to do wrong from 1983-1995, no one believes that his actions have had evil intentions. Drafting Adam Morrison third overall: Dastardly. Kwame Brown? You know it. He exclaims to Swackhammer, “I had a Hitler mustache in a national commercial for God’s sakes! Come on! I traded Tyson Chandler for Erick Dampier and then cut Dampier without even using the $13 million trade exception that was my only valuable asset! WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I AM A GOOD PERSON?”
Jordan decides the only way to teach the people of Earth a lesson and destroy their most iconic heroes, the Looney Tunes (yes, it’s a stretch, but America loves nostalgia). He says he’s even brought some friends, and out from the ship walks the Nerdlucks, who grab the ball Swackhammer has been bouncing. It’s the very ball that they use to steal talent from NBA players. Jordan says that it’s clear that the MonStars’ mistake years ago was only player choice. “Come on, Swackhammer! Shawn Bradley? Are you kidding? Let’s talk about who’s talent we’re going to steal. It’s 2013, and we need to find the best.”
PG: Russell Westbrook
Some people might say Chris Paul, but we’re not looking for floor generals here, nor are we looking for our guy to dish out assists (sorry Rajon). We want scoring, and we want a lot of it. His reckless playing style, unbelievable athleticism, and bad decisions are perfect for the MonStar squad. He’s a monster on the defensive end, and that’s also going to be important, remember, we need scoring, but the last Space Jam finished with a 78-77 final. Plus, as a bonus: His fashion sense comes with him. All of the MonStars will be wearing flower-print shirts and lenseless glasses for the whole movie!
SG: Kobe Bryant
Again, scoring is what we want, and age/bones-turning-to-dust are not a problem once his talents are transplanted into a MonStars body. He’s already got the facial expressions down, and we need his veteran leadership once the Looney Tunes inevitably drink some sort of “Special Drink” aka “Deer Antler Spray” at halftime.
SF: Kevin Durant
We need some outside shooting on this squad, plus our team was looking a little mean. Durant seems like a nice guy, and with KD on the court, it’ll keep Westbrook angry.
PF: Blake Griffin
Fine, this one’s just for the Sportscenter highlights and YouTube hits. Griffin is a borderline MonStar already.
C: Anthony Davis
Some people would have expected to see Dwight Howard in this spot, but he’s a cancer that we can’t afford on the MonStars, and it’s pretty clear what kind of marketing tie-ins this could bring about.
Team sounds good, right? Here’s the rest of the movie: The Nerdlucks steal the talent from these players, the Looney Tunes come to the rescue because they’ve seen all this before, and challenge the MonStars to a game (Yes, it’s the exact same plot as the first movie, but hey, it’s worked before), but they’ll need an NBA star of their own. Enter LeBron James.
LeBron and the Tune Squad go into halftime up 66-18, causing Jordan to yell at the Kobe-infused MonStar how he’ll never be as good as him; this speech can be unscripted, I’m sure Michael has a little something in the hopper. Jordan steps in to Kobe’s spot on the floor, leading a valiant second half comeback, but the MonStars fall short when Lebron hits a game-winning fullcourt shot. Jordan, Swackhammer, and the rest of the Nerdlucks are banished to a fate worse than moon jail: They’re required to attend every Charlotte Bobcats game for the rest of eternity.