Fansided

Ten Signs You Are Going Through NFL Withdrawal

By Kenneth Griggs

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Apr 25, 2013; New York, NY, USA; New York Jets fans Joseph Aderente from Brick, NJ (left) and Charlie Morse from Northeast, Maryland (right) react after the Jets select defensive tackle Sheldon Richardson (Missouri, not pictured) with the thirteenth over pick in the 2013 NFL Draft at Radio City Music Hall. Aderente and Morse were not happy with the pick. Mandatory Credit: Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports
Apr 25, 2013; New York, NY, USA; New York Jets fans Joseph Aderente from Brick, NJ (left) and Charlie Morse from Northeast, Maryland (right) react after the Jets select defensive tackle Sheldon Richardson (Missouri, not pictured) with the thirteenth over pick in the 2013 NFL Draft at Radio City Music Hall. Aderente and Morse were not happy with the pick. Mandatory Credit: Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports /

Kenneth Griggs is a writer for FanSided partner BroJackson.com. For more great content, head on over to Bro Jackson and check out Kenneth’s work.

The day after the Super Bowl I woke up in the fetal position. My NFL-inspired bedspread was balled around me and I was sweating profusely. A terrible apoplexy had overtaken me and I was screaming, as someone told me later, that someone must turn the lights back on at the Superdome. At about this time, I recall seeing a baby crawling upside down on the ceiling and when it turned its head 180-degrees I saw it had the face and gaping mouth of Eli Manning. I knew then that the NFL withdrawals would be heavier than usual. And it was only the beginning. Take a look at how bad it has gotten.

Top ten signs I’m having NFL withdrawals:

1. Re-watched every Green Bay Packers game for last two seasons taking meticulous notes. Afterward, sent a David Foster Wallace-size letter to Mike McCarthy explaining why I hate John Kuhn.

2. Have seen BiBi Jones in every known Kama Sutra position; however, Google search of “Threesome BiBi Kim Reggie Bush” has produced nothing.

3. Spend four hours a day tweeting at John Clayton and Adam Schefter—intermittently hassling Kristin Cavallari to DM me topless photos.

4. Started logging forwards from my father. Created folders for each category and labeled according to humor level. Categories are as follows: puppy photos; fish photos; jokes Rob Gronkowski would find filthy.

5. Have been prank-calling my friends while they’re at work. None of them have thought their kids being kidnapped by a guy with Shannon Sharpe’s voice is funny.

6. Created a fantasy league for “Mad Men.” Points given for smoking, sex, and drinking. Don Draper is a Priest Holmes incarnate in this league.

7. Every night at seven have wife singing, “Are you ready for some dinner?” Complete with little black dress and inner-thigh jiggle.

8. Hired Lawrence Taylor to be my friend. It’ll be August in no time on cocaine.

9. Tailgating before church. Studying old ladies lateral movement in pews to see if they could play pulling guard. And last week doused the priest in Holy Water after a resounding service.

10. On Monday nights going to soup kitchen and giving 22 homeless guys a dollar to re-enact the Immaculate Reception in local park.

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