By day, I am a mild mannered caddie.
At night, I protect the city of Omaha from violence as Fantastico, Nebraska’s only Luchador Real-Life Superhero.
And today, I’m here to answer your questions about survival.
Today we get straight to the mail. My city is under siege.
I understand that hosting the College World Series in Omaha is good for the economy here, but I am tired of rowdy fans keeping me awake and littering my lawn. I live close to the stadium and the foot traffic ruins my yard. The constant urinating kills the grass and my prize winning tomatoes. I’m tired of it. I think I’ve see you pee in my lawn as well. So stop it. Your and their urinating. Just stop.
First off, I’m sure it was a hooligan in a mask that pissed your yard, not Fantastico. I usually roll with a Stadium Pal, so I can roam freely and unfettered. Regardless, as G.I. Joe said, knowing is half the battle. Let’s take a deeper look at this marriage made in hellfire that is Omaha and college baseball.
Every year in June the college universe descends upon my fair city for the College World Series, and I feel the need to defend it against young drunks hell bent on destruction and random acts of mayhem. To defeat one’s enemies, you must know one’s enemies. I know what it’s like to be young and drunk. Check that box. I still imbibe quite a bit to keep up with the mindset of the young Destructos out there.
Once the field is set for the CWS, I like to profile the teams coming into town in order to know what I’m dealing with. I put together extensive whiteboard layouts for each team and what type of fan they would lure to Omaha. Let’s just say last year I zeroed on the Stony Brook to be a small but rowdy bunch and I was dead on. The teams that come often usually have bigger more well behaved crowds. Let’s see what we are dealing with this year. Baseball fans are inherently rowdy due to the massive amounts of downtime.
North Carolina – They seem to be here every year for the last decade or so. These guys are professionals. Sure they bring some new people every year that are bound to piss on a statue or two, but this is mainly a parents and loved ones crowd. I would love it, if eight North Carolina’s made the tournament every year. The powder blue gear makes them easy to spot at night. The never win it, so you don’t have to prepare for a crazy night of jubilation. Omaha Threat Level – 1.
Oregon State – Another frequent visitor over the last decade or so, these guys can get a little rough, but for the most part act like champions. People from the Pacific Northwest are in general weird, and I’ve seen a few smoking copious amounts of weed before game time. But that usually mellows them out. The problem here is that weed eventually wears off and then it’s Denny’s time. 90 percent of all crime happens within 40 feet of Denny’s. 100 percent of all crimes involve people reliving themselves. That’s 190 percent. That’s science. Omaha Threat Level – 3
UCLA – It’s their third rodeo in the last few years, so they’ve gotten the memo. Don’t fuck with Fantastico’s turf. I got roughed up by a few of these dudes a few years ago, but when the melee started, honestly, I thought they were women. I don’t fight women. Not even the criminal ladies. I heard their cat calls calling me out, and then when it went down, it was so many tanned braceleted arms that I couldn’t really make out what was going on. Plus my mask slipped and I was virtually blinded by the pack of he-shes. I’ve bought a better mask and now search for Adam’s apples. If you bear neck fruit, you’re going to feel the sweet sting of my arm hammers. Omaha Threat Level – 4
Louisville – These cats are so burned out from the NCAA basketball Championship that I bet their crowd will be small. But the ones that make the trip will be skilled at mayhem. They basically had a dry run in Atlanta earlier this March. I phoned my buddy in Atlanta, but he said he didn’t know what the average Louisville fan was capable of. I asked if they rode around on thoroughbreds and swilled bourbon, and he said it was late and needed to get some sleep. Even after I re-iterated how vital prior knowledge would be in stopping an angry mob on horses, he said I was weird and hung up. Good old Greg. Great at answering phones but terrible at breaking down mob mentality. He’s always been like that. Omaha Threat Level – 5
Mississippi St. – They don’t come often so these are the crowds you have to watch out for. This coupled with a rival (LSU) also in town makes for mayhem. Having a constant, uber-present antagonist in town makes every night a possible boil over. I’m not sure who is better behaved of the two SEC schools, but my guess is it will be MSU. I figure their numbers will be lower. I base this solely on the fact I didn’t know their mascot offhand. It is a bulldog. If a tiger and bulldog throw down, quick tip from Fantastico, put your money on the tiger. Omaha Threat Level – 7
LSU – A veteran of every competition except any involving academic knowledge, this group knows how to get down. The entire state of Louisiana is all hot sauce and alcohol. Constantly practicing in their public nuisance expertise in the forever-party that is southern LA, the Tigers always leave their mark. The only benefit is they do have to pick and choose which locations they feel the need to travel to and destroy. With every other weekend offering a new town to demo, Tigers fans show up in droves, but it could be worse. Nobody pisses like the unemployed. Nobody. Omaha Threat Level – 9
Indiana – Oh boy, we are getting into the danger zone here. The first timers. These fucking guys. The entire state picks up and moves to Omaha for two weeks to celebrate the fact that they have never been good at baseball until this year. Armed with mini bats, and foam fingers, and the zeal of a first time masturbator, this crew will roll deep and hard. Plus I heard they’re good. There isn’t much to do in that part of the country except drink, so I expect the cans and wangs will be on full blast. If you see any Indiana gear, I suggest either walking the other way or get out your riot hose. Omaha Threat Level – 10
North Carolina State – The perfect storm. First timer coupled with the fact their arch rival is in town. This shit is going to get real for the Wolfpack (already a bad sign, their mascot’s namesake). Either they win the whole thing and try to burn the town down, or they lose and try to burn the town down. With urine. This is the team I’m targeting for maximum lawn damage. On nights of their games I’d rent a port a potty and put it at the end of my driveway. If you can’t beat them, you know, get them a portable room to defecate in. My sensei once asked me what my spirit animal was and I knew instantly it was anything that hated wolves. So I’ve got my head on a swivel for these guys. Lawn owners beware. Omaha Threat Level – 13
There you go. Those are the crews in order to watch out for. Fantastico’s lawncare survival tips to avoid death of your prized tomatoes by urine. This is a profile of what you can expect, not a manual, people. You’ll also have to use some of your innate cunning and guile in order to stop ruffians and their willingness to use God’s green as their stall.
If, God forbid, you’ve got a bro doing his business, just let it happen. It’s nearly impossible to stop the stream once you’ve started. I tried it once, and that shit burns. Plus it just sort of leaks everywhere anyway. Plus if you’ve angered the assailant you have to beware of the return attack. They’ll usually up the ante to eggs or rocks or even a steamer.
Until next time–stay safe out there, dammit.