Late last week, our nation was fascinated by what will certainly be remembered as one of the most important events of this millennium: the birth of Kim Humphries and Kanye West’s baby. If you’re unaware, you should know they named him North. As in North West. It truly must have been a difficult selection process, considering they must have painstakingly read lists and lists of baby names and crossed off every single conceivable other option before arriving at North. That’s commitment.
At least we, the infotainment-obsessed masses, have another pair of inductees into the Celebrity Baby Name Hall of Fame, a distinguished shrine to all the A-listers who felt naming a child should be a performance art project or and/or a drunken “just screw it” lottery. Current members include…
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale: They named their child Zuma Nesta Rock, proving that the only thing dumber than one washed-up celebrity naming a baby is two washed-up celebrities naming a baby.
David Duchovny: He named one of his kids Kyd, because nobody is better at phoning it in than David Duchovny. I’m surprised he didn’t enlist the help of Pamela Adlon and Evan Handler to do the naming work for him, seeing how he’s been content to let them carry Californication for the past few seasons.
Game: Tried to get all creative/unique and named his daughter Cali Dream, which only goes to prove that Game should’ve stuck what what he does best: making derivative, safe, unexceptional music based on banal 1990′s braggadocio and name-dropping rap legends.
Penn Jillette: Okay, he isn’t entirely to blame; Teller really should’ve spoken up when Jillette said he’d be naming his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter.
Bryan Adams: Sure, his daughter is named Mirabella Bunny, which sounds like the name of a tough-talking-yet-fragile prostitute from a Quentin Tarantino movie, but the dude made Reckless. When one album has “Run to You,” “Heaven,” “Somebody,” and “Summer of ’69” all in a row, you’re forever above reproach in my book.
Kevin Smith: Uh, do NOT google pictures of his daughter Harley Quinn from when she was a fetus.
Roger Clemens: All four of his boys have K-names, which makes me wonder how the last one feels, knowing he was conceived only so the family could avoid being targeted by jokes equating their children with a group of violent, racist, and despicable potassium farmers.
Kevin James: Obviously, the idea to name his son Kannon sprouted during the same period of unparalleled mental fecundity that produced the spectacular script for Here Comes the Boom.
Billy Ray Cyrus: From her name alone, everyone knew his daughter was destined to become a stripper.
Alicia Silverstone: I was going to put in a joke about her naming her child Bear Blu Jarecki, but then I felt that was unfair because this list is supposed to be about celebrities.
Gwyneth Paltrow: “Apple” is both the name of her daughter and the name of a food item forbidden in her crazy-person diet, which I’m sure was an intentional overlap (considering those pervasive Gwenth-Paltrow-is-a-cannibal rumors and whatnot).
Really though, Paltrow should be thankful. Considering the role of Pepper in the Iron Man films, naming her daughter Apple is only the third most obnoxious food-related thing she’s done with her life.
Sylvester Stallone: His boy, Sage Moonblood, has grown up to fulfill his destiny: a renowned holistic gynecologist.