White House Down: Someone Should Blow Up Roland Emmerich

Roland Emmerich is back and this d-bag is blowing crap up again. His new movie is called White House Down SO GUESS WHAT GETS BLOWN UP. Yeah stupid. Your neighborhood Waffle House. That would make a dramatic image. Screw that crap. Roland Emmerich doesn’t waste time blowing up Waffle Houses. He doesn’t waste time with plot either. Story? Character development? That just gets in the way of the pretty explosions. ORANGE FIRE BLOSSOMS!

This is what I think happened. At some point in Emmerich’s life he wanted to be an architect but wasn’t good enough at it so he became completely bitter and went full Hitler on the deal. Like Hitler becoming dictator just so he could stick it to all those art school snobs who rejected him. You think you’re so great? I’ll take over the whole effing country and PURGE your pretentious asses. Oh and I’ll probably murder a bunch of people in the process. Cause I’m a Richard I guess.

At least Emmerich doesn’t murder people. He takes his frustration out on computer generated architectural marvels. THEY WOULDN’T LET ME DESIGN MY OWN BUILDINGS. SO TAKE THAT FAKE WHITE HOUSE. You are SO blown up.

That’s what I think happened. This guy’s entire movie career is an act of revenge against architects. Even if that whole scenario is just something I dreamed up while incredibly drunk? There’s no doubt this guy enjoys mayhem. That frigging 2012 was just wall-to-wall mindless destruction. All those buildings and freeways and stuff. And John Cusack’s last shred of credibility as an actor. RIGHT DOWN INTO THE YAWNING ABYSS.

While we’re on the subject of actors who no longer have any credibility, HOLY CRAP JAMIE FOXX IS IN THIS MOVIE. Remember when we all were tricked into sort of respecting Jamie Foxx? Damn he was good as Ray Charles. So convincing. Well you can forget about that. Jamie Foxx might as well be Nic Cage now. And don’t be throwing any Django up in my grill. Foxx was the weak link in Django. Why didn’t he get nominated for an Oscar? Cause Christoph Waltz carried his ass that’s why.

This is the world we live in now people. A world where Jamie Foxx is playing second-fiddle to Channing Fricking Tatum in a crappy Roland Emmerich orgy-of-destruction summer movie. That means he’s really third-fiddle. EXPLOSIONS. Channing Tatum. Jamie Foxx. That’s where this guy rates. He might as well be John Cusack outrunning Armageddon in a limo at this point. There is no way he comes back from this. I bet he gets the lead in the National Treasure reboot.

But crappy acting as we know is not the point of this movie. The point is HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THE FIREBALL I THINK I JUST GOT A STIFFY. Emmerich makes movies for people who find Fast and the Furious too challenging. Pry open the mind of an Emmerich fan and you will find a mouth-breathing date rapist with a barrel of homemade napalm hidden in his grandparents’ garage. These people WEAR THEIR FRIGGING HATS BACKWARD.

I don’t even blame Emmerich. He knows his audience. He knows what they came for. You don’t go to the fireworks cause you hope a T.S. Eliot reading will break out. You go cause you’re hoping the Italian guy will push the wrong button and set the whole half-hour show off at once. Cause who wants to wait around that long for the grand finale? You’ve got places to be, cats to torture.

After just a cursory look at the trailer I would say Emmerich is giving his fanbase everything it could ask for with this new piece of manure. KABOOM and running and shooting guns and terrorists and OH MY GOD THEY JUST BLEW UP THE WHITE HOUSE and yelling and driving and fire and noise. These are the perfect movies for people who don’t like paying actual attention. You can bury your face in your mobile device and when something goes KABLAM you just look up. DAMN! And they start talking and you put your face back in your phone.

Not that I endorse cell phone use in theaters or anything. Actually I OPPOSITE endorse it. I THOROUGHLY CONDEMN it. If I had a parchment and a nail I would write out my feelings about people who use cell phones in theaters, find someone using a cell phone in a theater and nail the parchment to their forehead. We need cell phone etiquette reformation in this country people. And I am your Martin Luther.

By the way, you should NOT go see this movie. Under no circumstances should we allow ourselves to validate Channing Tatum. This guy has to be stopped. Don’t we have enough bland leading men in this country? Where have you gone Richard Burton?

But back to Roland Emmerich. Can you believe there was a time when I almost respected this guy? It’s true. I thought Independence Day was a great moment in the history of bullcrap. Yeah it was borderline insipid but it had something. Spunk? I don’t know the exact word. I just found it crazily entertaining on a totally disgraceful level. With its inane action and hokey patriotic nonsense and reassuringly stupid aliens.

And then something happened to Roland Emmerich. He didn’t develop one single jot as a filmmaker. In all the years since Independence Day I don’t think he has evolved one inch. He just piles on more of the same crap. It doesn’t get better or more refined, it just gets louder. I don’t even need to see White House Down to know what it is. It’s Independence Day but instead of aliens they’re terrorists. Instead of Will Smith it’s Channing Tatum. Instead of Jeff Goldblum it’s Jamie Foxx.

Oh wow. Jamie Foxx is Jeff Goldblum? It’s worse than I thought.