Red 2 and 10 Movies That Make Old People Cool
By Dan Zinski
Hollywood mostly stays away from depicting the lives of old people. There’s a good reason for this. Old people’s lives are incredibly depressing. I’m sorry if you’re offended but it’s just true. Getting old is depressing. And who wants to be depressed at the movies?
We want the movies to make us happy. That’s why, generally speaking, movies are filled with young hot people doing exciting things. They are not filled with old wrinkly people who can barely walk. Of course there are exceptions. Every now and then the movies do tackle old people as a subject. And occasionally they even manage to do the impossible. They make old people cool. Here are ten such movies:
10. Twilight Zone: The Movie
This is mostly remembered as the movie where John Landis killed Vic Morrow. Incidentally, why is John Landis not in prison? He was guilty of criminal negligence if not outright homicide. But I digress. Mostly this is remembered as the movie where Vic Morrow died. But that’s not the cool-old-person episode that made me list this movie. That would be ghoulish. No, the cool-old-person episode is the one called Kick the Can. It’s the one directed by Steven Spielberg. In this segment, old people kick a can. And magically become young. It stars Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and Scatman Crothers. It’s not nearly as cool as the part where John Lithgow thinks he sees a gremlin on the wing of the plane but it’s still pretty good. At least no one died shooting it.
9. Cocoon
When you think “movies that are filled with old people” you probably think of this movie first. It’s the quintessential old people movie. Why is it only #9 on the list? One word: Gutenberg. Sorry but Gutenberg is an automatic downgrade. The other stuff is cool though. Wilford Brimley is in this movie. He is practically the coolest old person ever. He wasn’t even that old when they shot this movie but he SEEMED really old and that was enough. Don Ameche is also in this movie. I love it when old Hollywood legends pop up one last time. It’s like “Hey there’s Don Ameche.” And a couple months later he croaks.
8. Red/Red 2
The entire purpose of the Red franchise – yes now it’s the Red FRANCHISE if you can believe that crap – is to make old people cool. By having them shoot guns. That’s pretty much all that’s going on in these movies. Those were not long meetings. “Get me some old people and get me some guns. And some cameras.” Yes, Helen Mirren is disturbingly hot. You got me there. I can’t deny it. Every time I see her I experience this weird craving for crappy grandma candy served on moldy-smelling doilies.
7. Venus
This is probably the greatest example of an aging Hollywood legend making one last stand. Peter O’Toole plays this weird old guy who has a thing for this dumb young chick. O’Toole got nominated for an Oscar. Of course he lost again because he always loses. The Oscars love trolling O’Toole. They’re like Lucy messing with Charlie Brown. She’s never going to let you kick the football Charlie Brown. Figure that out.
6. Amour
Hold on a second dude. This movie is cool? WHAT THE HELL COULD POSSIBLY BE COOL ABOUT AN OLD WOMAN’S SLOW AGONIZING DEATH? Just chill out man. I’m not saying slow agonizing death is cool. But standing by your slowly dying woman until the bitter end the way Jean-Louis Trintignant’s character does in this movie? That is surpassingly cool. That guy is a hero. I mean can you imagine the smell? Screw the people who say this movie is depressing. It’s not depressing at all, it’s uplifting. You know what’s depressing? The Lone Ranger. That’s what’s depressing. So stuff it.
5. Arsenic And Old Lace
Yeah I’m going old school on this one. I know I’m not supposed to do that on this blog which is intended for a young hip male audience. But you got to mix it up occasionally. You got to throw in a little ‘40s screwball farce starring Cary Grant and directed by Frank Capra. I know you don’t know who those people are but screw you. This movie is awesomely hilarious. It’s about two old ladies who murder people and hide their bodies in the basement. Interested now? I thought you would be. You morbid creeps.
4. Space Cowboys
Pretty much any movie made in the last 20 years starring Clint Eastwood and/or Tommy Lee Jones could be on this list. But I really only could pick one for each. I could have gone with Gran Torino for Clint and No Country for Old Men for Tommy Lee (it has “Old Men” RIGHT IN THE TITLE FOR FRIG SAKE). But I decided, hey, why not pick a movie that has both those actors in it? This is called killing two birds with one stone. Apologies to any old people who might be reading this. I know killing is a sore subject with you. And birds too. Old people like birds I notice. Pigeons especially. They like feeding pigeons. And going into space.
3. Grumpy Old Men
Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon were a great comedy team for many many years. Late in the game they made this comedy about two old dudes who hate each other but really love each other. They express their love by hating each other. Okay I admit, this movie is not as funny as people seem to think. And we really didn’t need a sequel. But whatever. Matthau and Lemmon were such a great team.
2. Harold and Maude
This is about a weird uptight suicidal young guy who has a fling with a free-spirited old woman. See what they did there? Normally it’s the young person who is free-spirited and the old person who is uptight. Maude is played by Ruth Gordon and she won an Oscar for the role. Deservedly since she kicks ass. The movie is very deadpan like all those Hal Ashby movies in the ‘70s. Being There? That could have been on this list I suppose. Since it stars Peter Sellers as an old guy. But I don’t really like that movie. This movie is better. It’s both funny and unspeakable.
1. The Straight Story
Never in a million years did I think David Lynch would direct a Disney movie about an old guy driving hundreds of miles on a lawn mower. Where the hell did that come from? Well I’m glad it happened because this movie rocks. Richard Farnsworth rocks as Alvin Straight. The movie is incredibly touching in that sort of corny way that only David Lynch knows how to achieve. He is a master of corniness that doesn’t feel like corniness. And this one doesn’t have any severed ears. I guess that’s a good thing. Depends on your mood.